I am a comic that thinks outside the box.. after everything is gone from inside it. I was born without that filter that keeps certain thoughts inside, and most times, it pops out at the worst moments.. its going to happen, so best be prepared for whatever is about to come out.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Its a cell phone, ok... not a theme song, your not batman. You have never had Peter Parker call you with an update on Spiderman... just your mom when its time to come in for dinner.
Here's the thing, ladies, you can get away with it, your feminine, dainty.
But when I see a grown man, with a singing cell phone,... you could not be any gayer if you were drinking a Zima sitting on Tom Cruise lap.
I have learned more about myself then I ever truly thought I knew.
Case in point,.. I did not know my fourth favorite fruit was pineapple. I know it now, after a question period with my neice.
"Brad, whats your favorite fruit?
"whats your second favorite fruit?"
ummm a Banana.
Whats your third favorite fruit?"
I am not sure Deanna.. an Orange I guess.
I know what its like to have to stand infront of tons of reporters, cause if you hang out with 5 year old, its all you get.
Um yes, Olivia?
"Why does my puppy dog stick to the fridge?"
Great question, its because your doggy has a maginet on the back of it and the maginet sticks to metal, and the fridge is made of metal so it sticks to the fridge.
Next question, Ian.
"Whats your favorite colour"
Well my favorite colour is Red, followed by blue, yellow, green, brown and orange.
"How did you know I was going to ask you about those other colours?"
Cause your 6 and its what you do, Next question, Olivia? Its because your dog has a maginet on the back of it.
Next question, Ian?
"Why are Olivias Ken Dolls brown?"
Its because she is chubby and we think she should get used to it.
Next Question Olivia?
Its because there is a fucking maginet on the back of it!!
I mean its not like I dont love my child, cause I have loved them from day one. It does not mean I have liked them every single minute of every day, and if you have with your children, your dillusional and need theropy.
Cause your not supposted to have the same likes and dislikes as your kids, cause your an adult, and they are children.
"Hey daddy wanna play Legos?"
Cause I like sex and other fun stuff, thats why. Putting little plastic blocks together just is not any fun for me anymore.
I tell you what, you stay here and play with your legos, daddy is going to go get a piece.
We moved from Ottawa to Toronto not too long ago, and I needed to refill a prescription. We found a doctor taking new patients, and made an appointment to go in and see him. So he did some minor tests, just to compare from the last time I was into a doctors office. He sent off for my chart history from my old doctor, and then did some comparisons.
Right out of the box,.. he said "Bradley,.. I am concerned about your cholesterol."
"Really? Why is that?"
"Well, it was high last year,.. and now here it is a year later, and it has only gotten worse."
"Oh, yeah,.. I figured that."
"Really? How come"
"Cause, I have not really done anything different."
That's when I realized that its the only time as an adult that you feel like a little kid again. The Doctor looking down at you and you looking up at him
"You did not do what I told you did you?"
"No,.. no I didn't."
"What should you have done?"
"I should have listened to what you told me to do."
"What are you going to do from now on?"
"I am going to listen to what you tell me to do."
"When are you going to start doing that?"
I told him that I needed my prescription filled for my pariot cause I get heartburn.
This guy, that went to school for ALOT more years than me, goes and gets me a list of things that cause heartburn.
I am looking at the list thinking,... "I already know this........"
So I told him, " I know how to GET it."
That's like going to the hospital with a post up your ass and they show you a list of how to get a post up your ass.. and all you can do is look at the doctors saying "I already HAVE the post up my ass,... I just need to get it REMOVED!!"
Rule #1. Do not fall directly onto a post.
So my doctor looks at me and while glancing at the chart goes "You should probably drop a few pounds Brad."
What do you say to that?? "Thank you. Thanks for the confidence boost."
Go in for help, leave with the insults.
Which leads me to another point.
Just call someone what they are,.. if they are fat, say "Your fat". Don't try to soften it up for me.
My grandparents used to call me husky. "He's Husky. Big for his age."
No,.. I am fat. Husky is a DOG.
Don't call me Big Boned, heavy, husky, plump, cuddly, or soft. I am fat. I know this. You should know this. So don't get offended if your fat and I describe you as that... Fact is fact, and fat is fat.
Looks like we are keeping her. Which is fine by me, cause I have always wanted to bang a babysitter,.. and I think this is my gateway into that lifestyle.
It was always hard trying to bang a babysitter not having a baby.She would show up, ring the door bell, i would answer the door, "So you ready for your ride home?"
Honestly though, I could never bang a babysitter... I could FINGER one though. Not like that is any fun for me... "Oh yeah this is great,.. wow,... this is awesome,... I cant wait to use my carmax later!"
Over the top?
Its the only thing I was getting,.. no lotto, no chocolate, no make up, no magazines... just Preperation H.The woman behind the counter looked right at me as she was scanning my only purchase and with a smile said "So, how you doing today?"
Really? You think this is an impulse buy? "Well lets see, other than the fire up my ass right now, I am having a red letter day! And yourself?"
The guy behind me is refilling his Herpes cream, maybe he is going on a picnic later. Fire in the hole lady, lets scan it, tell me the price, so I can get the hell to my car and APPLY IT!!
Now you have to goof off
"So Brad, what can you do for this company?"
"I can do this." start snapping fingers and whistling.
"Can you tell us something about yourself?"
"Well, I have pink eye, and my foot is asleep. Oh, and I have matching silverware for the plate in my head."
"Do you have any hobbies?"
"I like to collect ointment. I also enjoy lunging at people cause I think I can fly."
"What do you bring to this company?"
"Do you mean other than the head lice and genital herpes?"
"We will be in touch."
First I was taken back... All I could think was "What kind of question is that?"
But my reply was totally different... ever have that happen? Happened to me...
What I ment to say was "Of course I would..."
All I could reply was "Can a person that weighs six hundred pounds HAVE sex?"
- ► 2010 (34)