I am a comic that thinks outside the box.. after everything is gone from inside it. I was born without that filter that keeps certain thoughts inside, and most times, it pops out at the worst moments.. its going to happen, so best be prepared for whatever is about to come out.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Public restrooms

I was in a public rest room recently, and had an interesting incounter... now let me set this up for you.

It was a single bathroom, door locked, and on the outside, when you locked the door, there was a little sign that would change from "vacant" to "in use".. any idiot should be able to understand how this works... even if you can read the words are in different colours vacant was green, and in use was red.. pretty simple right.

Now it is late,.. on a Friday,.. after going out... I was a ways from home.. and needed to..."drop the kids off at the pool".

So I whip in to this gas station, run to the bathroom and am in the process of putting them in the "deep end".. and this guy comes up to the door and knocks on it.. which by the way you get to do one time. Ok. Once, that's is all you need to do. Knock one time and when there is a reply, you wait. That's the way its been working for decades....

Not two minutes later,.. same guy, knocks on the door again and says "Are you still in there?"

Did I come out yet? Yeah I am still in here, and now its going to be a while cause now I am going to piss on everything I think your going to touch!!

The toilet seat, the thing you press when you flush, the toilet paper, the baby changing station, the paper towels,... yeah, even the condom/colone dispenser.

Have you seen that thing by the way? the Condom/Colone dispenser?? Its about this big... if your buying your condoms in a gas station bathroom, I am willing to bet that the farm animal you are about to sleep with, isnt going to care how you smell!

Its all about timing

I remember back when I started having "real" fun with girls.. some people may call it "adult time", maybe "sexual relations" would be better.... anyway, we were messing around and "we" realized that "we" were out of condoms. So "she" decided that "we" should try the "pull out" method...

Now, let me explain.... luck has never been something that has been good to me. I could fall in a bucket of nipples, I come out sucking my thumb, ok.... so "we" set the gps for pulloutsville,... That's a lot of pressure for a guy.. that requires really good timing...something you should probably be really good at.

Its like going to the gas station, and you have only a twenty dollar bill in your pocket... and your pumping gas, and you have to stop right on the twenty,.. cause if you go even one penny over, and you go inside, they give you a baby!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


There was an article in Maxim that caught me totally off guard. It was talking about how bad Meth is.. but the puzzling part was that it had a "pleasure" scale of how good it made you feel.

Yeah, thats what we need to keep the kids off Meth, let them know how good it makes you feel, they will definitely stay away!

The scale was based on Dopamine, the pleasure sensing chemical that your brain releases when your doing certain activities.

Apparently, eating a cheeseburger was 1.5,.... Having sex... was 2.

Really.. there must have been some bacon on that cheeseburger.. cause that just does not seem right to me.. I am just saying, they are only a half a point apart on the scale.. so that tells me either that is the most amazing, "magical" cheeseburger ever inve.. wait, what is that? Ground unicorn meat on that cheeseburger? That is delicious! Or that is lousy sex.. take your pick!

So its cheeseburger 1.5, Having sex 2, Having a cigarette also a 2, Cocaine was a 4,.... Meth... 11!!

Can anyone vouch for this? No, cause they are all at home scratching their skin and holding their teeth in there pocket sitting in their mobile home.

Do you know what that means? You could be eating a cheeseburger, having sex, smoking a cigarette, on cocaine, STILL NOT TO METH YET!!
Not even close!! Your still at least a hand job and a happy meal away!!

Friday, September 17, 2010

how to meet the ladies...

I have been trying to figure out a way to meet women since I have been single and I came up with what I thought was a pretty good idea.. join a cooking class.... you know what I saw when I got there.. other creepy dudes!!!

Now you might look at me and think "Man, I bet this guy looks at lots of Internet porn!" and you would be right.

I look at so much Internet porn that I should probably join a support group.. which is true,.. but I am afraid that if I do, when I get there, all I would see is the guys from my cooking class!

If you didn't see that coming you weren't looking!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

I like my women

I really like women.. I do..
I like my women like I like my cars... Paid for!

I like my women like I like my chairs.... able to support my ass.

I like my women like I like my meth labs... always cooking!

I like my women like I like my peas... Black eyed, and dont make me tell you again bitch!!

I like my women like I like my beer... gone when I am done!

I think I figured women out

It finally hit me.. I know how to compare women to something that everyone can understand.

Women are like sunglasses.....

The really pretty ones that you spend alot of money on, and you want to always take care of,.. you will loose.

However, the cheap ones that you pick up in a gas station and you really dont give a shit about, you will have for years, and years, and years.

Some guys will want to clap at this, but cant... cause she is sitting right beside him.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Different rules when it comes to drinking.

You cant even get too drunk with your wife or girlfriend. You ever notice fellas that if she gets too drunk its never her fault?
"What happened babe?"
"I don't know.. I was just drinking, I don't know what happened."

I love this one "Someone put something in my drink!" I know.. its called alcohol!

And I don't know what it is with you ladies, but you get too drunk and you loose the ability to walk. Men, we get fucked up but we are still waking.. "fuck it, i got it.. i got it..",.. most will even still try to drive.
Not women. you drink too much, you just give up. Ever have this conversation fellas? "get up! COME ON BABE, GET UP!"
"just leave me here.."
"Your in the McDonalds parking lot."
"Carry Meeeeeee"

You better carry her ass... you hear me.. you better put her to bed, leave her water and Tylenol by the bed.. and you better be there for her every two minutes when she wakes up thinking she has to throw up.

"I am going to throw up.. come with me hurry."
"I am not sick.. Your sick.. I am going back to slee..."

So there you are, sitting on the edge of the tub.. helping her NOT throw up.

"just do it"

"Just do it"
"It hurts!"

"let it out you will feel better"

I am not mad...
"Your yelling your mad!!"

Kids, go back to bed, mommy is not feeling well.
"Don't let my babies see me like this."

what about when its us.. huh ladies.. what about when we are the ones dying!!

Are you helping us? No,.. your in the door way making it worse.

"Look at you.. your pathetic! Your fucking pathetic.. I hope you die motherfucker... ohh look.. now your pissing on yourself..... get in the tub!! KIDS wake up!! come in here... look at your father..... "

On Line Dating

My friends convinced me to try online dating so I tried that...

everyone says their friends convinced them to try it.. everyones a lier cause you do that on your own, late at night when no one is watching. Its like looking at porn, you don't want to get caught looking at that site, ever!

Women write some funny shit on their profiles.. stuff like "I am an outgoing lady looking for an outgoing guy"

Bullshit, we are both in front of the computer on a Friday, who are you lying too?

Women are deceptive with their photos too... you see one thing online and then you see them in the coffee shop and its like Ohhh.. Eeee! Well,..... still going to fuck her!

I did POF, anyone else here do that? No? over 100 thousand people on there, but I am the only one from Ottawa.. nice.

So let me tell you how it works, you put your information on the Internet, and then you do this 50 question survey... and then the Internet will send you matches weekly with whom it thinks is a match for you based on those questions.

So far the Internet has been a bit of a dick about it.

I am not getting good matches is all I am saying.. ok.. its like I get "Hey Brad, I see you like to sit on the couch and watch movies.. maybe you should send this woman with a lazy eye that never shuts up a message cause you wont want to take her out in public."
"Wait, we also see that you like to go to bars every now and then so maybe you would like this woman who is a 2 at 10 but at 2 she is a ten.... ohh and she is a slight alcoholic..."

Internet dates are tough, if you have never been on one.. its weird right from the start cause you met online, that's not normally how you meet people. So at the start of the date you are like "Ahh ok.. sooo whats wrong with you? Cause I got alot of stuff going on with me that I left off the profile. I see you may have left a few things off as well... like for instance.. when did you loose that ear? How do your glasses stay on? When were you going to tell me you were in a wheel chair?"

My Peeps....