Customer Service

Its nice to have good customer service isn't it.. you go out, someone that is doing a great job at whatever it is just blows you away... really makes you walk away with that warm fuzzy feeling inside.

Hasn't happened to me in a while, but life goes on. I kind of feel the service industry is getting a little rude.
See, I went into the grocery store by my house, the Metro, and all I wanted was to get a cake. Now I understand times are getting tough. There is nothing out in the glassed in cake area, like there is nothing on display. So as I approach the girl behind the counter she turns to me and says "I just put everything away cause I close in two hours. You have a problem with that?"
Nope, not at all.... I was just wondering what kind of cake you had.

"Well, why don't you tell me what kind of cake you WANT, and I will tell you if we have it."

Ok, we can go that route... "I was looking for a cake that's not a Bitch."

This morning, we went out to breakfast... all I ordered was Eggs and toast.. not a big order right. On the table was a little plate full of jelly and jam. So when the waiter came to the table, I asked him "Do you know what the difference is between Jelly and Jam?"

His reply,... "Well sir,... I cant exactly 'jelly' my dick down your throat."

I thought that was rude. Turns out he could... ended up being a bigger breakfast than I anticipated.

Telemarketer fun

I had a telemarketer call me last night, and one of the first questions out of his mouth was "Do you think you are paying too much for your auto insurance?"

And I said "Actually yes. I have been with this company for a while, but I think the reason my rates are high,... is because I plowed into a school yard full of kids shortly after I left a wine tasting. What can you do for me?"

Then he was like "I am sorry, ............I think I dialed the wrong number!"

Douche bag + douche bag = Karaoke fun!!

I like going and watching Karaoke, some of my friends do it ok,.. I get it. I don't get up there, cause I know something no one else knows,.. I cant fucking sing.

But you know what I have noticed,... some people at Karaoke take this WAY too seriously. And you know who they are when they grab that microphone,.. cause they have that same look on their face like "This is my chance!"

And there is only one kind of person worse than this person, and that is.......... the husband and wife combo team! You know who I am talking about,.. they have the matching Karaoke jump suits on,... and they have been singing the same song every Tuesday night for the last 14 years.
Its always "Love Shack" or "Celebration", "Islands in a Stream", "Summer Nights" or some other piece of garbage.

The last time I went, there was this couple that was singing "Love lift us up where we belong", and every time they got to the chorus,.. they would hold hands and raise them above their heads as if they were asking God himself to Lift them up. She was like five eleven, and was about four feet three,.. no one could have lifted her, ok.

I could just see God up there saying "Mmmmmmm NO! You two don't belong up here,....you two belong down at the Legion on 'Two-fer night! Now scram!"

My only advice for women

If I had any advice that I can give women, it is this: Your beautiful, stop telling us that your not.

I wanted to do something nice for my girlfriend so I decided to take her shopping, right, I figured "That seems like a chick-magnet thing to do, let's take her shopping."

Know what she did? She called herself horrible things All Day!

We're shopping and all I hear from her is "I'm Fat! This shirt makes me look bloated! I'm Fat! My feet have kankles! Looks like I have two chicken cutlets right here! I'm fat! My ass is huge! "

Its like she is trying to brain wash me, not only do I have to listen to this shit, but now I am thinking "Man, I have a fat girlfriend"

And don't get me wrong, my girlfriend is not fat, ok.....but when you hear that 94 times in a minute you start thinking "Jesus would someone tell this fat bitch to shut up! Hey, don't cry,... you look fat when you cry."

You ladies are beautiful, don't let us in on that, ok.... cause all we see is your Bah-wa-wa-wa (ass) and Bah-wa-wa-wa (Boobs). I mean,... my girlfriend and I have been together for like a year, and I did not even know she HAD a face, you know.

Guys cant argue

I have yet to really see, in my life, a guy win an argument with a woman. I think its up there with the Tooth fairy, The Easter Bunny, and Santa Clause... they are all things that don't exist.

I had an argument once, and honestly I don't know how it started... but do we ever? I can, however, tell you how it ended.

My girlfriend and I were really going at it,....... arguing, and she said, "Is that all I am to you? Are you just in this relationship for the SEX!! Is that the only reason your WITH ME!"

And I was like "No, sex is not the only reason I am with you,.. and to put it in perspective for you,... the bathroom is not the only reason I bought my house,.. but I would be pissed if you took it away!!"

Think about it. If I bought a house, and like say, 9 months later someone comes and rips the toilet out of the bathroom, and only lets you use it once a month and even then it really isn't that good, I would be upset.

I would probably go looking for other toilets. Maybe even try out several at one time. I have a white toilet, but maybe a brown one would be more comfortable... I hear they make them in all shades,.. but I really don't know much about that. Maybe really push the envelope, and get two toilets that look the same but are not related cause that's kind of creepy, you know.. or even an older toilet cause I have always thought that would be cool.

Are you still thinking about toilets??

Getting over your ex

I think everyone has been dumped at one point in their lives right. That can be hard to get over. You cant stop thinking about them, every time you go somewhere, you see someone that looks like them. Right.

I was dumped once, could not get over her. I could not stop thinking about her. When you get dumped, you cant stop thinking about people.

My friend gave me the best piece of advice, he came over and he said "You know what your problem is dude, you got too much shit laying around reminding you of her.You get rid of all this stuff, and I am telling you,... you will feel much better."

So I tried that,... I was laying in bed, and the pillows smelled like her,.. so I stabbed them. Cut them up into little itty bitty pieces. And he was right,.. I felt a little better. So then I went around the house and collected all the pictures I had of her, and ripped them up into little shreds and set them on fire on the coffee table, and Pee'd on them. Wow, it was like this huge relief off my shoulders.

And then,.... I got the hell out of her apartment, cause her place was bringing me down. There was so much bad energy in that room, and now I feel much better.

Thinking about the Enviroment

Thinking about it today, and seeing all the ads for the "hybrid" cars I don't understand what the big deal is. These things have been around for years and they are still ugly. Why? They can make a Kia look like one hell of a sports car, but for some dumb reason, the "hybrid" cars still look like shit.

They are called a "Hybrid" but to me,.... they just look "Inbred".

You go try to put gas in on of those things and the damn hose goes limp in your hand. Then you have to rub it on the headlights,.. tap it a few times on the gas hole...asking yourself questions like "why does this keep happening to me?", then whispering to your car "its not you,.. its me...."

Which brings me to another point.. I honestly don't care if our oceans ARE contaminated with oil,.. that's what we cook fish in anyway. They are not dying,.. they are just marinating.. cut a hole in a lemon tanker, your half way there to eating anyway. Just trying to be proactive, you know what I'm sayin.

Just realized today,.. I love public Transportation!

Holy crap have I been missing out. I always hear of people bitching about public transportation,.. the bus is late, the people smell on the bus in the summer, people stand too close to you when you ride the bus,.... and to those people I say... HEY! Things are not that bad!! Yeah Crazy people ride the city bus,.. but have fun with it.

I rode on a bus in down town Toronto,.. and there were two guys talking on their cell phones. So I just pretended they were talking to each other. It was a really interesting conversation.

The first guy was trying to figure out how to cook a meat loaf so he was asking questions like "So how long do I put it in for?"
and the guy sitting next to him was talking about some tramp he had sex with the night before and he was giving statements like "All night long!!"

Then I realized that the crazy guy sitting next to me was doing the same thing I was doing, but he just started flipping out.. cause he started yelling "That is NOT how you cook a MEATLOAF!! It will BURN! Someone tell that guy,.. it will burn!!"

But the conversation just kept going, cause the one guy was saying "So what did you do to her?"
and the other guy was like "put a butter glaze on it" and that is when I flipped out and started yelling "Don't do that, you will get an infection on your meatloaf!!'

Ever quit your job?

Everyone hates work.. if you did not have to do it, you probably wouldn't do it. And if you would, well,.... your just a glutton for punishment.

I think, if I was to quit a job now, I would have to do it to where I knew that I would be remembered.

Go down swinging, and know that a year from now, they would still hear the echos of my name in the hall ways.. but how,... what could I do...

Then I figured it out,.. just before lunch time,.. I would go around to the people I did not like,.. and ask them if they wanted to go in on a Pizza. Collect the money,... and just leave to "pick it up" and not go back.

About 3:30 you know someone would be like "I don't think he is coming back!! I am STARVIN! I am NEVER ordering out with people again!"

But what if I get called into the office.. everyone knows when they are about to get shitcanned... so that is the day I take the pocket full of glitter with me.
My boss would be like "So Brad,... we have come to a decision.. and we have had to make some cuts,.. unfortunately your one of them..."

Then BANG! face full of glitter... good luck getting that shit out! he goes home to the wife and kids,.. "Where you been honey?"
Oh I was at work... fired someone today.
"Was her name Mercedes? or Lexis? You promised Ed... No more strip clubs!"

always stay away from the one with the glitter..

My Fiancee does it again!!

Is it just me,... or does your fiancee drive you crazy with questions that they should already know the answer too,..... but for what ever reason,...... don't??

Not like "Whats the third chemical from the left on the Scientific Periodic table?"... cause that is something I can google and find out...

More like "Where are my keys! Have you seen my keys!"

So I thought I fixed it for her,.. made it simple... right. Simple thing for a simple person, should be a simple fix.

One word: Wrong!

She came home on Monday and I told her "Look, I have a solution for you and your keys. OK,.. See this right here.. its a cute little bowl I picked up for you,.. and it says 'KEYS' right on the side of it.. so your KEYS,.. go in the KEY BOWL.. see that... Keys.... in the KEY BOWL...

When you come home from work, and you open the door,.. your KEYS,.. get put in the KEY BOWL.. simple right?"

I come home yesterday... first words out of her mouth....

"Have you seen the key bowl?"

The internet has become TOO BIG!!

The Internet is so big now, that when you type in the name of the website your looking for, and if you make a spelling mistake,..... that is some guys website.... someone has that.

That's how huge the Internet has become. Case in point, the other day, I wanted to type in "Google" to look something up,.. and my finger slipped, and instead I accidentally typed in "blowjobs"... OMG!!


I was up for three hours trying to find "Google"..... with my pants off.

The worst part is, .... they actually kicked me out of that particular Starbucks... which is bullshit, cause I bought a coffee AND a muffin!

I figured it out.. all you need to do is look for your name

To tell if you are rich or not,.. you don't have to check your bank account to see where you fall as far as classifications go for rich, middle class, or poor.

Its as easy as one two three. just look for your name.

1. If your name is on the building you work in,.. Your rich. Case in point Barns and Noble... they are both rich.

2. If your name is on the desk that you work at,... your middle class.

3. If your name is on your shirt (sewn or button) your friggin' poor!!

If you need to say something to the affect of "Hi! Welcome to ____________, how may I help you",... no one needs to point this out to you,.. but your skipping some payments on your visa, know what I'm sayin?!?

and lastly,.. if there is a number on your shirt,.. your a convict.

Just where do strippers get their names anyway?

I have never understood where strippers get their names from,.. so I did a little research for this joke... I went to a strip club.. or as most like to make it sound more proper.. a gentlemans club.

I was there for about 5 minutes before I became numb to all the boobs in the room, not to mention the strippers on the stage.. and I started trying to peek down the waitresses shirt when she brought me my drink,.. cause after all, hers were covered.

So these three ladies of dance came out on stage and the Dj announced them coming out "Alri-i-i-i-ght.. here they come,.. give it up for PORCHE, MERCEDES, and LEXIS!!" Man,.. I was taken back,.. so eventually thru the 39th minute of the Nine Inch Nails song "Closer" they jiggled their way over to me.

And I did what ever guy does,.. I struck up a conversation with them. I motioned for them to come over to me,.. money in hand,.. and like sharks around a chum drag,.. they raced over.
So I asked them "Did your mom's really name you all after cars? Cause that is one heck of a coincidence."

Mercedes was the speaker for them,.. and she gave me the old "Pfffft! Really? Our mom's did not name us that,... We named us that!"

"Really?" Why would you name yourselves that?"

"Cause,.. its what we WANT!"

and it got me thinking... instead of naming themselves after something they want, .... would it not have been better to name yourself after something you NEED??

Can you imagine going to a stri..... gentleman's club and hearing this.... "Ladies and gentlemen,.. here they come.... On the eighth day,.. God created..... Ed-u-cation,..... Pen-icillin,.. and Self-Re-spect!! Here they come!!

My wife lies to me

All the time, and I don't really ever know if its true, but I just take her word for it cause I really dont know any better.

I have a college degree, and she has her masters, so honestly I just take her word for it cause it just seems to make sense. So now she just lies to me. The other day I was sitting on the couch with her and I turned to her and was like "Hey,.. how about a blow job?", and she said "No, you will get the flu."

"What? How does that make any sense?"

So she told me "See, I knew you would not understand. Your going to get all wet down there, catch a draft, and then catch the flu."

Made sense right,.. I was thanking her, "Holy cow, I never would have thought of that, you right. I don't want the flu, thanks."

So yesterday, I went and got my flu shot, and recommend you all do the same.

Fast Food Servers

I have come to realize one thing about all fast food restaurants... If you go into one of these establishments, .....and the person on the other side of the counter is skinny....it only means one thing.

They are NEW!

You should never let the skinny 18 year old summer chick make your blizzard, cause they have no idea how much candy you want.

Now that bitter 39 year old assistant manager with the star wars pin.... she fucking KNOWS!
And to top it off, she will be playing the old "one for me, one for you" game when she's making it.

Strip club DJ's and the lies they tell

Strip clubs are great.. go into one, you have pretty much seen them all. The only difference is the brass pole is in a different location. Even the DJ sounds the same from one club to another.


Just once, I would like to slip some truth serum into that guys glass, cause all they do is tell lies.

"Here she comes, lets give her a big round of applause... on the eight day,... God created LEXIS! Here she comes!"

After the truth serum.. I think we all know they will be speaking to a different story.

"Here she comes people...... She's a single mother of three...... living in the back of a 1996 Hyundai... and is currently on Valtrex and allergic to "the pill"..... ladies and gentlemen give it up for...... RUTH!"

Seriously, I don't know why, do you??

How come,...... I go every two weeks to get my hair cut. Every two weeks. First Choice hair cutters,.. $14.96.. Like clock work.

It does not stop growing... its like Richard Simmons,.. or the energizer bunny. I believe the theme song to the hair on my head is "Can't stop, wont stop".

And I have figured out the hair on my head is related to the hair in my ears... cause its the same way. Some people reading this knows what I am talking about.

So here is the part that throws me for a loop. Shouldn't my pubic hair be tucked into my fucking socks by now?

Its the same thing after every christmas

After christmas its the same thing. You eat way too much, you drink way too much, and you spend way too much.

Well with all that eating, and drinking,... you put on a few pounds.. and this year, I think I have hit that point in my life that everyone gets too. and they realize,.. Shit, I have to stop eating,.. cause I am getting fat.
And it pisses me off. I almost don't even want to have sex, so I can spare someone the site of having to look at my naked body. I don't even want to look at my naked body.

I get all nude to take a shower, and I see my reflection, all I want to do is punch my reflection in the face! Ask him "Why do you look like that!! Start working out!!"

Every year its a little more, but this year... WHOA! Now I don't know that women get the same thing that men get when they get fat(ter). But this year, after the holidays, I was so shocked,.. and so angry with myself, I just wanted to punch myself in my fat upper dick area!!

Its like a hairy fanny pack you get there!! Right up front, overshadowing the painfully average size penis, just what every guy needs.

Something there to make it look smaller, a nice little squirrel skinned fanny pack, all filled with disappointment, self loathing, and failure.

That is one thing that will not help you get laid... a fat upper dick area.. that and Rock band 2.. neither will get you laid.

But there is an up side... it matches the hair on my back. And that is important in this day in age, cause everyone needs to match.

Walmart announcements

Ok, so it has been a little while, christmas is over, the fun of shopping has passed, and now everyone, everywhere, is back to normal,.. accept in Walmart.

I was in walmart just after christmas, and my most favorite thing in walmart is the announcements.. cause you never know what you will hear.

I am still waiting to hear one that tops my all time favnorite.. it was in Cullman, Alabama. I was standing in line, waiting with the rest of the herd to pay for my stuff.. and I heard the following.

"Good afternoon Walmart shoppers, if you are parked in the southern part of the parking lot, could you please move your vehicle, because we need to get our parking lot re-tard. Thank you."

All I could think was... WTF?!? I have not seen some lazy eye'd guy walking around here in a my little pony t-shirt smelling like PB&J,.. but I will be sure to keep an eye out for him from now on.

Information learned from the zoo

I went to the Toronto Zoo and they have signs all over the park that tell you about the animals and also how to protect yourself from them.
In the center of the zoo, they had this list of rules that tells you about the animals.
1. If confronted by a Lion - make yourself really tall and scream.
2. If confronted by a Tiger - throw rocks in the opposite direction and stay really still.
3. If confronted by a Cougar - buy her a drink, tell her she looks twenty two, and wear a condom.