Public restrooms

I was in a public rest room recently, and had an interesting incounter... now let me set this up for you.

It was a single bathroom, door locked, and on the outside, when you locked the door, there was a little sign that would change from "vacant" to "in use".. any idiot should be able to understand how this works... even if you can read the words are in different colours vacant was green, and in use was red.. pretty simple right.

Now it is late,.. on a Friday,.. after going out... I was a ways from home.. and needed to..."drop the kids off at the pool".

So I whip in to this gas station, run to the bathroom and am in the process of putting them in the "deep end".. and this guy comes up to the door and knocks on it.. which by the way you get to do one time. Ok. Once, that's is all you need to do. Knock one time and when there is a reply, you wait. That's the way its been working for decades....

Not two minutes later,.. same guy, knocks on the door again and says "Are you still in there?"

Did I come out yet? Yeah I am still in here, and now its going to be a while cause now I am going to piss on everything I think your going to touch!!

The toilet seat, the thing you press when you flush, the toilet paper, the baby changing station, the paper towels,... yeah, even the condom/colone dispenser.

Have you seen that thing by the way? the Condom/Colone dispenser?? Its about this big... if your buying your condoms in a gas station bathroom, I am willing to bet that the farm animal you are about to sleep with, isnt going to care how you smell!

Its all about timing

I remember back when I started having "real" fun with girls.. some people may call it "adult time", maybe "sexual relations" would be better.... anyway, we were messing around and "we" realized that "we" were out of condoms. So "she" decided that "we" should try the "pull out" method...

Now, let me explain.... luck has never been something that has been good to me. I could fall in a bucket of nipples, I come out sucking my thumb, ok.... so "we" set the gps for pulloutsville,... That's a lot of pressure for a guy.. that requires really good timing...something you should probably be really good at.

Its like going to the gas station, and you have only a twenty dollar bill in your pocket... and your pumping gas, and you have to stop right on the twenty,.. cause if you go even one penny over, and you go inside, they give you a baby!

Meth

There was an article in Maxim that caught me totally off guard. It was talking about how bad Meth is.. but the puzzling part was that it had a "pleasure" scale of how good it made you feel.

Yeah, thats what we need to keep the kids off Meth, let them know how good it makes you feel, they will definitely stay away!

The scale was based on Dopamine, the pleasure sensing chemical that your brain releases when your doing certain activities.

Apparently, eating a cheeseburger was 1.5,.... Having sex... was 2.

Really.. there must have been some bacon on that cheeseburger.. cause that just does not seem right to me.. I am just saying, they are only a half a point apart on the scale.. so that tells me either that is the most amazing, "magical" cheeseburger ever inve.. wait, what is that? Ground unicorn meat on that cheeseburger? That is delicious! Or that is lousy sex.. take your pick!

So its cheeseburger 1.5, Having sex 2, Having a cigarette also a 2, Cocaine was a 4,.... Meth... 11!!

Can anyone vouch for this? No, cause they are all at home scratching their skin and holding their teeth in there pocket sitting in their mobile home.

Do you know what that means? You could be eating a cheeseburger, having sex, smoking a cigarette, on cocaine, STILL NOT TO METH YET!!
Not even close!! Your still at least a hand job and a happy meal away!!

how to meet the ladies...

I have been trying to figure out a way to meet women since I have been single and I came up with what I thought was a pretty good idea.. join a cooking class.... you know what I saw when I got there.. other creepy dudes!!!

Now you might look at me and think "Man, I bet this guy looks at lots of Internet porn!" and you would be right.

I look at so much Internet porn that I should probably join a support group.. which is true,.. but I am afraid that if I do, when I get there, all I would see is the guys from my cooking class!

If you didn't see that coming you weren't looking!

I like my women

I really like women.. I do..
I like my women like I like my cars... Paid for!

I like my women like I like my chairs.... able to support my ass.

I like my women like I like my meth labs... always cooking!

I like my women like I like my peas... Black eyed, and dont make me tell you again bitch!!

I like my women like I like my beer... gone when I am done!

I think I figured women out

It finally hit me.. I know how to compare women to something that everyone can understand.

Women are like sunglasses.....

The really pretty ones that you spend alot of money on, and you want to always take care of,.. you will loose.

However, the cheap ones that you pick up in a gas station and you really dont give a shit about, you will have for years, and years, and years.


Some guys will want to clap at this, but cant... cause she is sitting right beside him.

Different rules when it comes to drinking.

You cant even get too drunk with your wife or girlfriend. You ever notice fellas that if she gets too drunk its never her fault?
"What happened babe?"
"I don't know.. I was just drinking, I don't know what happened."

I love this one "Someone put something in my drink!" I know.. its called alcohol!

And I don't know what it is with you ladies, but you get too drunk and you loose the ability to walk. Men, we get fucked up but we are still waking.. "fuck it, i got it.. i got it..",.. most will even still try to drive.
Not women. you drink too much, you just give up. Ever have this conversation fellas? "get up! COME ON BABE, GET UP!"
"just leave me here.."
"Your in the McDonalds parking lot."
"Carry Meeeeeee"

You better carry her ass... you hear me.. you better put her to bed, leave her water and Tylenol by the bed.. and you better be there for her every two minutes when she wakes up thinking she has to throw up.

"I am going to throw up.. come with me hurry."
"I am not sick.. Your sick.. I am going back to slee..."
"COME WITH ME!"

So there you are, sitting on the edge of the tub.. helping her NOT throw up.

"just do it"
"I CANT"

"Just do it"
"It hurts!"

"let it out you will feel better"
Your MAD AT MEEE!"



I am not mad...
"Your yelling your mad!!"

Kids, go back to bed, mommy is not feeling well.
"Don't let my babies see me like this."

what about when its us.. huh ladies.. what about when we are the ones dying!!

Are you helping us? No,.. your in the door way making it worse.

"Look at you.. your pathetic! Your fucking pathetic.. I hope you die motherfucker... ohh look.. now your pissing on yourself..... get in the tub!! KIDS wake up!! come in here... look at your father..... "

On Line Dating

My friends convinced me to try online dating so I tried that...

everyone says their friends convinced them to try it.. everyones a lier cause you do that on your own, late at night when no one is watching. Its like looking at porn, you don't want to get caught looking at that site, ever!

Women write some funny shit on their profiles.. stuff like "I am an outgoing lady looking for an outgoing guy"

Bullshit, we are both in front of the computer on a Friday, who are you lying too?

Women are deceptive with their photos too... you see one thing online and then you see them in the coffee shop and its like Ohhh.. Eeee! Well,..... still going to fuck her!

I did POF, anyone else here do that? No? over 100 thousand people on there, but I am the only one from Ottawa.. nice.

So let me tell you how it works, you put your information on the Internet, and then you do this 50 question survey... and then the Internet will send you matches weekly with whom it thinks is a match for you based on those questions.

So far the Internet has been a bit of a dick about it.

I am not getting good matches is all I am saying.. ok.. its like I get "Hey Brad, I see you like to sit on the couch and watch movies.. maybe you should send this woman with a lazy eye that never shuts up a message cause you wont want to take her out in public."
"Wait, we also see that you like to go to bars every now and then so maybe you would like this woman who is a 2 at 10 but at 2 she is a ten.... ohh and she is a slight alcoholic..."

Internet dates are tough, if you have never been on one.. its weird right from the start cause you met online, that's not normally how you meet people. So at the start of the date you are like "Ahh ok.. sooo whats wrong with you? Cause I got alot of stuff going on with me that I left off the profile. I see you may have left a few things off as well... like for instance.. when did you loose that ear? How do your glasses stay on? When were you going to tell me you were in a wheel chair?"

Women

Ohhh ladies,.. we have to talk. I love you ladies, I do, I am a big fan. But every time we get together you try to change me.

Every time we are together its always "Pick this up, pick it up. This does not go here. The hamper is over there, pick it up."

No, I have a system. See everything on this side of the floor is dirty. And everything on this side of the floor is dirty,... but I am going to wear it again. You didn't see my work boots still in my jeans?!?

And what is it with women wanting men to shave their body hair. Is that what you want ladies? To sleep with a man, that is smoother than you? Then you will wonder why your getting cold at night. Shit sleep with me... you will be kicking a leg out saying "Damn its hot in there!!"


Remember your dad... did your mom try to change your dad? He never shaved his body hair. Shit he didn't even need Q-tips, cause he had keys. Men are actually getting manicures now.. seriously.. Manicures... Look, if your nails are too long, let me tell you what you do, ok.. you bite them off like every other guy out there in the world and spit them on the floor.

What ladies... you don't play by the rules. You can have an entire photo album of all the ex boyfriends that have been in your lives right there in the middle of the living room coffee table. We start looking thru it asking questions like "Who is this dork?" and you get mad at us.
"Stop it! Stop it! Give me those! Those are my memories! These men have nothing to do with you. Your so insecure, get over it."

But let her find a picture of you and another woman... not an album... ONE.

You will come home to the devil. Go walking in like "Honey I am home!" and she meets you at the door "Who is this bitch? Who is this! Don't look at her! Don't look at her! Don't touch me! Who is this whore!"

"Hey relax would you.. that was Prom!"

The One Upper Friend

I love my friends, but I think everyone has one of these friends in their circle.. its the "one upper" friend.

You know who you are.. you little son of a bitch!! All you want to do is tell your story..that's it. They are never there when you start it, so you think to yourself, "Ok, I can get this one in".. then half way thru they show up and butt in.

"I was at the cottage last week, and I came across this 30 foot cliff. So I found my way up thru this back path, and when I got to the top, I didn't think I could get myself to jump but I worked up the courage, and plunged down into the frigged water."

You don't even get to finish tellin the entire story, and they are all "SO WHAT!!"
they always start with so what, makes your story seem lame.

"SO WHAT!! Yesterday I scaled a 100 foot rock face with my TEETH! When I got to the top, I could not even see the water at the bottom cause the clouds were so thick! An eagle soared passed me giving me a nod as if to say 'you are safe to dive my friend'.. so I got into a hand stand, and fell into a front somersault doing two full turns and three and a half twists. As the sunset was touching the water and the sun rays were glistening off my body, I entered the water with only a ripple. When I surfaced,.. I was holding a treasure chest!"

SHUT UP SEAN! My story was not filled with fucking lies you asshole!

He turned to me and offered me a golden chocolate coin. So I took it and walked in shame back to my cubical.

Something I dont miss.

I have had these every now and then, and some are not bad.. and others,.. well... why bother.
I am talking about hand jobs. Ladies,.. I want to say thank you for trying.. HOWEVER.... if that's what your going to do... if that's ALL your going to do,.. then I have to say...

Rub my back... ok.. Cause I can't reach my back.

I cant take care of this all day.

And if you are one of those that thinks you can handle it.. please remember. Don't talk to me when your doing it cause its just fucking creepy! Besides the fact you break my concentration. I don't want to know what you had for supper when I am trying to get off.

And as much as I appreciate you taking care of your self down there. Trimming it up, making it pretty. Don't expect the same in return.

I had a girlfriend tell me once "Hey, I think you should shave your back."

I was like what? are you kidding me?

She was all about it.. she said "No seriously, I think you really need to shave your back, I mean after all I take care of myself for you, I think its only fair that you do the same. Don't you?"

I could not help but fully agree. I caved.

I flat out told her.. "You know what baby,... Your so right. So how about this.. Next time you lick my back and make me cum, I will take it all off for you!!"

Quiting smoking

Everyone is drinking? Thats cool, its a Monday, why not. Screw it, drink up then drive home real fast it will be sweet!

I quit drinking from January to May, but I am back cause it is tasty. I quit drinking cause I wanted to quit smoking. Not because I have a problem with alcohol, I have a problem with cigarettes. For me, I could not have a drink without having a cigarette.

It was like trying to poop and not pee. I couldn't do it.

You can smoke and not drink, and you can pee and not poop.

But you cant drink and not smoke, and you cant poop and not pee, I have tried it, doesn't work!

Texting

I have learned this, to date a woman in this market, you need to contact your cell phone provider and sign up for a text messaging plan.

Holy Shit! Its a phone! Its a phone, ok... ladies, you want to talk to me, guess what, there is a button on your phone, says fucking talk, you press the button that says the shit that you want to do.

I am not anti-txt messaging ok, however, my name is also not Ron Textall either. Me and my buddies text message each other all the time.

The difference is, that its a message... its one line.... and it needs no answer.

"Hey, meet me here."

or "Hey, I am running late."

or "Hey, that chick your talking to is fucking nasty, shut it down and lets go."

And don't look at me like that cause girls do it too. You do.. be honest.

It doesn't matter what sex you are, if you have ever been hitting on someone and the shit was going well,...

then all of a sudden looked at their phone.......

then looked at you.....

and walked away....

Yeah, someone just reached out and cock blocked you.

it should not be used to carry on a conversation, and I will tell you why.

I went out with my buddies and my girlfriend at the time went out with hers. The plan was to meet back at the house whenever things wrapped up, no time set. Well, somewhere in there, my girlfriend got a little drunk, happened to you?

It happened to me.

And she decided to drunk text me.. you ladies know what that is all about don't you.
I got a message from her that said "Whats up? Where are you? I want to fuck you!"

I wrote back "Were out. See you at the house later."

Again, ladies,.. its a message. its supposed to be quick, like fast food,... in and out.

Then I got another one from her, that read "No, tell me something you want to do to me,.. I am horny!"

All I could think to myself is "this is not going to end well." You ladies like keeping these messages and bring them up later with your friends.

So I wrote back "I want to have sex with you."

I get back, "Tell me something hot!"

So I cave, cause I am fucking whooped! and I write back "I want to lick your pussy."

But my phone has this T9 word.. where the phone THINKS it knows what you are trying to say and puts it in for you.

So what she read was "I want to kick your puppy."

That's a great story at parties let me tell you!

KY hers and mine

I learned this recently...there is a new sexual lubricant on the market.

I am sure your happy your hearing this from me.
Its called "KY Yours and Mine". Its actually two lubricants. One provides a "thrilling" feeling for her, and the other provides an "invigorating" sensation for him.

HOWEVER, when you maturebate with both, they combine to create in "intense sensation" of shame!

Signs of Aging

I know I am getting older.. but it really hit me the other day. Here is how I know I am getting older.

Now when I see a hot teenage girl walking down the street, I think to myself "Wow, I bet she has a hot... Mom!"

I want to see the mom now, I didnt realize that was the next phase of life. Whats next? Where's GRANNY!! I want to see three generations of this magic!! Lets Go!!

I am my own Gatoraid factory!!

I was drinking rye the other night, and that is never a good thing for me. Cause I am out of shape, and so when I drink Rye, the next day I get "Fat Man Moustache"... you know what that is.... its where you get beads of sweat on your upper lip.

Just from doing nothing.. at all... just walking from the living room to the kitchen, I am like "Wtf is that..ohh its sweat coming out of my upper lip. Cause all my other sweat glands all over my body are soooo tired of sweating that its now coming out of my LIP!"

Is that healthy? I don't think so... but its ok.. I am turning my negatives into a positive.. cause now when I am walking and I get tired, I lick my upper lip.. and guess what... electrolytes right back into my system!!Sounds gross, I know.... but I am now my own Gatorade factory!

How do some things actually make it into stores?

Sitting around wonding how things actually get thru the cracks,.. and how do they actually go from dream to reality...

There are tons of great things that have come from nothing, just watch any "as seen on TV" product.. sell by the millions.

I have always wondered though,... How did the Blowup doll actually get pitched? How did this meeting take place?

I can see a bunch of people sitting in an office like "Shark Tank" or Dragons Den and this guy comes in,.. "So Mr. Smith.. tell us your idea"

"Ok... So I am a great outdoors kind of guy... and like anyone I have trouble meeting the right person.. and then one day on a white water rafting trip it came to me... I created this!! Its a Raft with Arms... and you Fuck It!! I call it.... Samantha!!"

"Two words for you Mr. Smith... CORNER OFFICE!!"

That guy that picked on you when you were in Elementry school

I am a big guy now, but in elementary school I was actually very small, I was one of the smallest kids in school. And there was one kid in particular that used to pick on me, and beat me up, and call me names, and made my life a living hell.

But then in High School, I got bigger and stronger cause I hit my growth spurt..


and he got leukemia...


So I win!!

Bodies

Mines getting too fat, independently of myself, it does what it wants. And it makes getting dressed a challenge,... my pants are so tight now, my farts are getting louder... I own one suit, not even a good one,.. its a George Foreman.. and I only own a suit cause it came with my grill.

People actually come up to me in the grocery store and ask me where the junk food is. Seriously.. "Hey man, where are the Joe Louis?"

"Doesn't matter man.. I have them all!"

One of my friends is always trying to help me loose weight by asking me stupid questions.. "Hey Brad, loosing weight is not hard, you just have to watch what you eat.. like what did you have for breakfast this morning.?"
"Cereal."
"Nice, how many bowls did you have?"
"I don't know, how many come in a box?"

One thing I have had it with....

Seriously,..... this goes out to everyone.. not gender specific,.. its a text message.. ok,.. MESSAGE!! its not a text NOVEL.



Its a phone. If you want to talk to me,.. there is a button on your phone for that purpose.. its the little green one with the damn phone on it.. press it and talk to me. Cause its a phone.



Don't get me wrong,.. I am not against texting.. me and my buddies do it all the time,.. the difference is that it is only a message. Its only one line that needs no answer what so ever.

Quick little one liners.. cause that's all it takes.

"I am running late."

"We are at Wild Wings, you coming?"

"The chick your hitting on is dirty! End the conversation and lets go."

It should not be used to carry on a conversation, and I will tell you why..

My girlfriend went out with some of her friends for a "ladies night"... no biggy,.. I went out with my buddies.

The plan was to meet back at the house "when ever" and just go out for a good night on the town. Well,.. somewhere in there... my girlfriend got a little drunk. And she decided to tell me that,.. with her phone. I got a text message from her saying "Hwat is up? whree are you guys? I tink your a sexyy best!"

So I wrote her back, "Thanks".

Its a text message, not a conversation keeper. Its like a fast food restaurant.. In and out.

So I got another text message from her "No, tell me somehing hot. I cant wait to get you home! hWat do you want me to do to yu?" Dirty talking, great fun,,..... dirty texting,.. remorse will set in, at some point she will bring this shit up again when you least expect it.

So I wrote her back "Stop texting me."

"Take me whree? I want to blow you!" is what I got back.

Ok, so I am thinking, I want to get on with my evening, and shut her up, so I need to write something that will allow me to do both. Now my phone was equipped with this "Txt word" option where it figures out your word that you typing and you select the right one that matches. You know what I am talking about? right?

So what I wrote her back was "I want to lick your pussy, would you like that?",... was what I thought I wrote...... What I ended up writing, thanks to this TxT word was "I want to kick your puppy, would you like that?".

So the next message did not make sense to me. I opened my phone and read 'Why don't you like cuddles"Cuddles was her dog.I went to bed alone, sexless, ........... and never lived down the fact she thought I wanted to kick her dog.