My non-existant sex life

When my girlfriend and I started out,.. we were having sex pretty regularly.... I guess some would call it "bunny sex" cause we were always going at it. That is when she was still setting her trap.

Then she got pregnant,.. and the sex came a little less frequently. Which from what I understand is totally normal. However, not only would she not let me touch her,... she interrupted me touching myself.. and now that my daughter is 2, our sex lives are pretty much non existent.

Its not like we don't still have sex,.. we just don't have it with each other.... the nice thing is that she still refers to my penis with her little sexy pet name.. says it all the time.. she calls it "That thing".

You know,.. as in "Get that THING away from me!"

ahhh the love.

Really? Movies can make you gay? (not that there is anything wrong with that!)

So I went to the movies,.. just me and a 'bro' of mine.. nothing better to do, figured "What the hell, I have $14 to piss away!"

Last week, Wednesday night, not really alot happening in our lives, so we went to the movies. It was for the late show, and you know what... not really alot of people in the movies on a hump day at 10pm.

The theater was EMPTY except for us. 10,000 seats, and there was just two of us. I just walk up to where I wanted to sit, did not ask where he wanted to sit, cause honestly,... I didn't care where he sat.

He sat down beside the seat next to me, so now there was a "buffer" seat. I just wanted to turn to him and say "Bro, I know were not gay. We have been friends for years,.... I have a kid,... I am pretty sure that any sexual tension would have surfaced by now" you know what I am sayin?

Seriously, who goes to the movies on a Wednesday night? a bunch of stoned high school students, who cares what they think right? FYI we went to see Pineapple Express.

I think what he did kind of defeated the purpose.. cause nothing looks gayer than "the Buffer". Cause now you just look like a couple of guys stuck in a closet afraid to come out.

But then if you speak of the situation your now stuck in, nothing would look gayer than that. Two guys sitting together but separate in a movie theater ARGUING ABOUT THE BUFFER.

All I am sayin is if your two guys, you go to a movie, and you are the only two in the movie theater........ make your friend choose where he is sitting, then sit four rows up or down from him and pretend you dont know each other.

Making myself uncomfortable

I realized something the other day... no matter how old I get,.. I will never be comfortable in a porn store.

I understand that there is one part of retail that everyone tries to exceed at, and that is customer service... but honestly,.. this is one retail store that can let that part go. Cause when I am in "perv" mode,.. I don't need someone coming up to me every few minutes asking me if "I am finding everything ok?"

Especially if its a woman working in there,.. cause having her come bouncing up to me asking me if I "need help finding anything" is not an issue,.. unless of course I am holding a mag in my hand that is titled "Hot Granny Porn", then its a little awkward.

Then you have the overly friendly guy that is about three days away from death that comes sneaking up on you, how I am not sure,.. most of the time I can hear the squeaky wheel on the oxygen tank being pulled behind him, but not in the porn store... must be some special type of carpet.

You can be standing there, just looking around, and he pops up like he was transported there from "The Enterprise"..... (my only star trek reference)... minding my own business and he's all "Hey how you doing?"

Whoa! Shit man,.. back off, little personal space if you don't mind... and don't talk to me,.. if I was doing better, I would not be HERE right now,.. OK!"

Rejected online

So I posted an event on Facebook,... asking my friends to come out and support me, live comedy, and cheap beer.

I sent out 82 invites... and have the following results.

4 confirmed that they will be there, one of which is me.

11 maybe's... so its 50/50 for them to show.

53 no's. Really,.. over HALF! really gives you a great confident boost when you get rejected by your friends.

I get more confirmations on Lavalife for a posted event... and I dont even KNOW those people, and my clothes stay on when I am on stage!! Unless the show goes really really wrong.

Hair is confusing!

I don't understand hair in general.. I mean, yeah I understand it grows from within the skin, and it is different with everyone,.. I get that ok.

What I understand.. is this... Why do I get the hair on my head cut every two weeks like clock work.... cause if I didn't then I would look like a hippy in a few weeks. The hair on my face.. very similar... have to shave every day.. or I look like a wolf man.

What I don't understand is this... how come the hair on my back, legs and crotch knows when to stop growing? It is all the same hair.. the DNA is all the same...

I should be tucking my Pubes into my SOCKS by now.. you would think!!

And these people that are going for "Laser hair removal".... one word for you. MORON!

Remember, in the mid 90's... no one thought bell bottoms would be coming back,.. then all of a sudden, BANG!! they are back in style.

Laser hair removal is PERMANENT! You cant get it back unless you do HAIR PLUGS!,.. or that hair in a can spray paint!

What happens when that 70's bush comes back into style.. YOUR FUCKED!!

My fiancee is after me to have it done to my back.. cause it "bothers her in bed".

We had a big fight about it and everything. She wanted to "Nair" my back.. you know what that stuff is?? It "burns the hair off at the skin, for smooth results without nicks, cuts or bumps".

I was like, there is NO WAY I am doing that to my back..

and she got all pissed off.. "Why not.. It could be better for us in bed.. you don't know. I take care of myself 'down there' for you.. and you like it.. so why don't you want to do this for me?"

I was like, "Your right honey,... so I tell you what,... you figure out a way to make me cum by licking my back, and I will laser it off!"

Until then... you get WOLF MAN!!