I am a comic that thinks outside the box.. after everything is gone from inside it. I was born without that filter that keeps certain thoughts inside, and most times, it pops out at the worst moments.. its going to happen, so best be prepared for whatever is about to come out.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
In the center of the zoo, they had this list of rules that tells you about the animals.
1. If confronted by a Lion - make yourself really tall and scream.
2. If confronted by a Tiger - throw rocks in the opposite direction and stay really still.
3. If confronted by a Cougar - buy her a drink, tell her she looks twenty two, and wear a condom.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Keep drunk dialing to drunk dialing. Drunk texting will only lead to chaos.
My girlfriend went out with some of her friends for a "ladies night"... no biggy,.. I went out with the fellas.
Plan was to meet back at the house "when ever" and just go out for a good night on the town.
Well,.. somewhere in there... my girlfriend got a little drunk. And she decided to tell me that.
I got a text message from her saying "Hwat is up? whree are you guys? I tink your a sexyy best!"
So I wrote her back, "Thanks"
Its a text message, not a conversation keeper. Use it like the US uses the Marines. Get in, get out.
So I got another text message from her "No, tell me somehing hot. I cant wait to get you home! hWat do you want me to do to yu?"
Dirty talking, great fun,,..... dirty texting,.. remorse will set in and you will be reminded of what you write.
So I wrote her back "I cant wait to get you on the bed and take you"
"Take me whree? I want to blow you!" is what I got back.
Ok, so I am thinking, I want to get her mind going, but my phone was equiped with this "Txt word" option where it figures out your word that you typing and you select the right one that matches.
So what I wrote her back was "I want to kick your puppy! You would like that wouldn't you"
What I thought I wrote was "I want to lick your pussy"
So the next message did not make sence to me. I opened my phone and read 'Why dont you like cuddles"
Cuddles was her dog.
I went to bed alone, sexless, ........... and never lived down the fact she thought I wanted to kick her dog.
Conclussion: Disable Txtword on your phone, dont drunk text and save the dirty talking to person to person, over over the phone. It only leads to chaos.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
It happened to me this past weekend. Guess I passed out after the casino... woke up with a random piece of clothing...like a Condom.
I did not even realize it until I had stood up, walked to the bathroom, started peeing.... and there was no noise.
It just started filling up like a water balloon.
Then it occurred to me... Damn! I could have laid in bed another ten minutes!! What the hell am I doing up..I could have tied this off and hit snooze.
So now it has become my official new way to sleep late.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I forget to say please at the table I end up having to get up and get it myself.... what the hell will happen in bed, know what I'm sayin?
But you ladies,... you like that shit. So I was asked to talk dirty one time... and I have regretted it for the rest of my life... cause I said something stupid, and I thought it might be nifty to finally get it off my chest. Turned out,.... I am way outside the box.
"Talk dirty to me."
I don't want to.
Ok, fine.....I want to tie you up, light you on fire, and throw you in the trash.
Hey, it was your idea! All I wanted to do was make sweet love and just think that!
"Ok, forget that,.. just slap me!"
In the face?
WTF, I am not a mind reader!
"Bite my nipples.."
Clean thru? Spit them in the trash?
"What is wrong with you?"
I don't know,... All I wanted was to have sex with you and just think this shit, ok?!? You say 'talk dirty'... whats dirtier than the trash??
What do they mean 'talk dirty'? Ladies say one thing, and guys think something else...
"Ohh yeah,,, talk dirty to me..."
Ok, I want to tie,................ your parents up, ........back to back. Then I am going to beat the hell out of them with a bat. Throw them in the trunk of a car, and drive that car over a cliff, and just as it goes over the cliff I am going to pop the trunk so they can see me fuckin you.... Hey where you going... Too much??
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
She totally missed my mouth. That's where I sleep! That's where I do arts and crafts, and read por... novels under the covers with a flash light.
I had to spend my early Saturday morning Google-ing how to get urine out of my mattress. I was shocked to find out... tons of answers!!
However,.. all the answers were pertaining to pets. So I had to go to Petsmart, and hope that I did not run into anyone that knows I do not own a pet.
The guy that helped me, Chip, was very helpful. He was like "Sir, what you need is natures miracle, it will lift the urine right out of the fabric and also deodorise the scent. Was there alot of pee?" was his question.
My answer........"It was almost....if... a person did it."
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Then we went to the weight lifting area.. nothing but guys working out,.. sweating all over everything,.. negative two points to the gym.. its not looking good.
Then we went by the hot room for a yoga class.. things were looking up... and it was in session. They had one woman in there that could have licked her own vagina... If she would have just listened to me, I swear to god.. .. ....
There I am next to this mass of mussels named Robyn (yes she was a female) showing me around and all I could do is become a cheerleader...
"You can do it honey! Come on! Get after it,. . you almost got it.. almost... GET IT! GET IT! GET IT! You want me to step on your back a little bit? You want me to get down there and do it for ya? It looks delicious.... If you wanted we could split it."
I was thrown out of that gym today.... but now I am armed with a phone book.. so look out hot yoga gyms... cause The Fat Guy Is Coming to class!!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Anyone in a relationship has been asked to purchase things. Could be Deodorant. If your a girl,.. do you get embarrassed buying Old Spice? Maybe its lotion. Anyone can use that stuff for more than just hands and elbows,.. know what I'm sayin?
So why do guys get all jittery when your asked to pick up tampons? Embarrassment? Your a grown man,. everyone in the store knew they were not for you. And on top of that, to every female in that store, your a hero!
Ahh, I'm sorry, your embarrassed.. don't forget you wife is at home bleeding from her vagina, things could be worse for you. You might want to get those things back STAT Jackson.
I love the excuses you get.. "OMG have you see the aisle? There are wings, strings and all sorts of things!"
Really? Are you kidding me? You want me to believe that if you, a grown, educated man, had to pick your wife up something to put in her most delicate area and you were not given EXPLICIT INSTRUCTIONS on what to get??
Something tells me you were sent out with a little more than "Just not the wooden ones again."
Because if I was going to send my wife out to pick up something that I had to put in my penis,.. there would be sketches,...... receipts,... mapquest directions,... oh yeah, AND AN EMPTY PACKAGE THAT THE OTHER THING CAME IN!!! That way you can compare that shit.
There is one phrase that has never been said after someone was asked to pick up tampons... wanna guess what that is????
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
You win ladies.... you fucking win.
Think of your man right now,.. and let me speak on behalf of him.
He loves you... he does... with all his heart, he loves you, he loves you, he loves you.
He wakes up every morning and thinks,.. "How can I keep this crazy bitch happy?"
Cause your NEVER happy!!
You can only complain.... "We never go out!"
Bitch... YOUR OUT!
"Yeah, but its not a date."
Really? then you pay.
He loves you,... especially if he is here with you tonight... cause trust me, he could be out having fun... making his own decisions.
But he is not, he is here with you,... in the shirt that YOU picked out.
"Hey why don't we go out with my brother tomorrow night?"
He does not like your brother, OK... He has his OWN friends that he wants to go out with.
Don't get me wrong, OK... I love women,.. I do. Your all full of shit, but your fun.
Remember when you were fun? Remember,.. the beginning of the relationship.
When you were setting your 'trap'. Guys can attest to this. Married guys anyway.
Remember when you used to let us pick the spot to go to,.. and after a little while we would always here this "Lets Party!! WOOO!" or "Your friends are awesome... they are so fun."
Six months later... "He's a dick! That guy is rude! Johnny always sleeps with my friends!"
My personal favorite,.. "How much do you plan to drink tonight? How much have you had! When is enough enough?"
When I pass out,... that's when I have had enough.
But ladies,.. and you know who you are. I have to hand it to you..... you are the only ones that can say "Fuck you asshole" with out saying a word.
We say see you later,.. and then you let us have it...
its very simple.. not alot of action...just a simple "See you later..." and the squinty eyes, big cheek smile, and the little head shake from left to right.
Monday, November 3, 2008
I can tell you something about that man... He is not afraid of anyone! But he is afraid of you.
Is that how you treat your "teammate"? That's the same "respect" that your looking for?
When his friends call him to hang out,.. he has to debate in his head,.. "Is this shit worth it?".
It does not matter when your friends call you to go out.
All we get is "Bye. I am going to the mall."
"Where are you going?"
"To the MALL! And you better be here when I get back."
Ring...ring. I answer the phone, cause she is not home, and someone has to answer it. My side of the conversation seems to go like this...
No man, come over here.
No, I gotta be HERE motherfucker,.... do you understand HERE?
Why don't you come over here?
Ahhh you cant leave either huh?
Your wife is with my wife... "
If we did that to you ladies.... If we woke up Sunday morning "Bye, I am going to the game."
"Where are you going?"
"TO THE GAME! And you better be here whe....!"
"Don't you EVEN talk to ME like that! I will kick your ass all OVER this house! You think you can just DICTATE to ME! I DON'T THINK SO! We don't have money for you to head out SOME GAME! We have PLANS today! I know its that damn JOEY that put you up to this shit, isn't it!!"
Just keep on pushing all the buttons till we finally snap "FUCK IT! I am not going,.. forget it."
Then whats the next thing that is said? anyone wanna guess??
"I am not saying you can't go..." Really? ".....we just need to talk about it."
Sunday, November 2, 2008
When did this get complicated,.. what happened to "Not in, leave a message"?
Instead, I get this three hour dissertation on what his day is like, and when he might be able to call me back.
"Hello, you have reached Irvin. Today is October 31st, 2008. Happy Halloween. I am in the office today from 8am to 4pm, I am leaving early to get home and be ready for all the kids that go trick or treating. I will be in a meeting today from 10am to 11am, and then will be out of the office from 12-1pm. I have two scheduled interviews from 2-330pm, if this call is urgent please cal l me on my cell at..."
When did you get a cell phone? Why the FUCK did you not say that in the beginning?!? I don't care what the details of your day are, let me leave a message and call me back. That is the way its been working for decades.
So he tells me later, "Brad, I am giving people information that they either knew about, forgot, and should be reminded of. OR they never knew to begin with."
OK, fine. I am going to start leaving him messages with that same concept in mind.
"Irvin, hey its Brad,.. Basenji's are the only breed of dog that cannot bark. Just letting you know.
If you see an emergency vehicle travelling with its lights on, you should pull over. The deepest lake in the world is lake Baikal, and my mom has a gold fish named 'Fin'. What? That's random, why did I say that? Oh yeah, your a tool,.. call me back."
Saturday, November 1, 2008
So to try a different approach, I am doing this, and living LIKE I AM MARRIED so I am not having to make that abrupt transition.
For example,.. I shave once in a while. Not today, I am angry with her.
That's right.... I put the seat down NOW. Just for practice, it does not kill me.
I put the roll on the spool NOW. Out of consideration, its not that hard.
I put a hundred empty bottles of shampoo in the shower NOW, so I am used to it.
I take myself out to movies I don't want to see. But before the movie, I argue with myself on where I want to eat first. No I don't,.. yes I do, No I don't,... Yes I do,.. Then I just drive around and talk to myself about places to eat.
I sleep on the edge of my own bed NOW, ensuring not to use any more than two inches of blanket as that is what my allotment would be to keep warm at night, even thought I would not really need the blanket cause the heater would be set at "Surface of the sun" temperature.
I pleasure myself, but ONLY WHEN I DESERVE IT! Normally on my birthday, and around Christmas depending on the gift I buy myself. Its usually in the basement, with a playboy and a flashlight.
But most importantly,.. I keep a list of every little thing that I do and say,... and from time to time I go back and read into it, so I have the capability to show it to people that I don't even know, at parties that I don't want to be at in the first fucking place.
All out of love for her.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Its a cell phone, ok... not a theme song, your not batman. You have never had Peter Parker call you with an update on Spiderman... just your mom when its time to come in for dinner.
Here's the thing, ladies, you can get away with it, your feminine, dainty.
But when I see a grown man, with a singing cell phone,... you could not be any gayer if you were drinking a Zima sitting on Tom Cruise lap.
I have learned more about myself then I ever truly thought I knew.
Case in point,.. I did not know my fourth favorite fruit was pineapple. I know it now, after a question period with my neice.
"Brad, whats your favorite fruit?
"whats your second favorite fruit?"
ummm a Banana.
Whats your third favorite fruit?"
I am not sure Deanna.. an Orange I guess.
I know what its like to have to stand infront of tons of reporters, cause if you hang out with 5 year old, its all you get.
Um yes, Olivia?
"Why does my puppy dog stick to the fridge?"
Great question, its because your doggy has a maginet on the back of it and the maginet sticks to metal, and the fridge is made of metal so it sticks to the fridge.
Next question, Ian.
"Whats your favorite colour"
Well my favorite colour is Red, followed by blue, yellow, green, brown and orange.
"How did you know I was going to ask you about those other colours?"
Cause your 6 and its what you do, Next question, Olivia? Its because your dog has a maginet on the back of it.
Next question, Ian?
"Why are Olivias Ken Dolls brown?"
Its because she is chubby and we think she should get used to it.
Next Question Olivia?
Its because there is a fucking maginet on the back of it!!
I mean its not like I dont love my child, cause I have loved them from day one. It does not mean I have liked them every single minute of every day, and if you have with your children, your dillusional and need theropy.
Cause your not supposted to have the same likes and dislikes as your kids, cause your an adult, and they are children.
"Hey daddy wanna play Legos?"
Cause I like sex and other fun stuff, thats why. Putting little plastic blocks together just is not any fun for me anymore.
I tell you what, you stay here and play with your legos, daddy is going to go get a piece.
We moved from Ottawa to Toronto not too long ago, and I needed to refill a prescription. We found a doctor taking new patients, and made an appointment to go in and see him. So he did some minor tests, just to compare from the last time I was into a doctors office. He sent off for my chart history from my old doctor, and then did some comparisons.
Right out of the box,.. he said "Bradley,.. I am concerned about your cholesterol."
"Really? Why is that?"
"Well, it was high last year,.. and now here it is a year later, and it has only gotten worse."
"Oh, yeah,.. I figured that."
"Really? How come"
"Cause, I have not really done anything different."
That's when I realized that its the only time as an adult that you feel like a little kid again. The Doctor looking down at you and you looking up at him
"You did not do what I told you did you?"
"No,.. no I didn't."
"What should you have done?"
"I should have listened to what you told me to do."
"What are you going to do from now on?"
"I am going to listen to what you tell me to do."
"When are you going to start doing that?"
I told him that I needed my prescription filled for my pariot cause I get heartburn.
This guy, that went to school for ALOT more years than me, goes and gets me a list of things that cause heartburn.
I am looking at the list thinking,... "I already know this........"
So I told him, " I know how to GET it."
That's like going to the hospital with a post up your ass and they show you a list of how to get a post up your ass.. and all you can do is look at the doctors saying "I already HAVE the post up my ass,... I just need to get it REMOVED!!"
Rule #1. Do not fall directly onto a post.
So my doctor looks at me and while glancing at the chart goes "You should probably drop a few pounds Brad."
What do you say to that?? "Thank you. Thanks for the confidence boost."
Go in for help, leave with the insults.
Which leads me to another point.
Just call someone what they are,.. if they are fat, say "Your fat". Don't try to soften it up for me.
My grandparents used to call me husky. "He's Husky. Big for his age."
No,.. I am fat. Husky is a DOG.
Don't call me Big Boned, heavy, husky, plump, cuddly, or soft. I am fat. I know this. You should know this. So don't get offended if your fat and I describe you as that... Fact is fact, and fat is fat.
Looks like we are keeping her. Which is fine by me, cause I have always wanted to bang a babysitter,.. and I think this is my gateway into that lifestyle.
It was always hard trying to bang a babysitter not having a baby.She would show up, ring the door bell, i would answer the door, "So you ready for your ride home?"
Honestly though, I could never bang a babysitter... I could FINGER one though. Not like that is any fun for me... "Oh yeah this is great,.. wow,... this is awesome,... I cant wait to use my carmax later!"
Over the top?
Its the only thing I was getting,.. no lotto, no chocolate, no make up, no magazines... just Preperation H.The woman behind the counter looked right at me as she was scanning my only purchase and with a smile said "So, how you doing today?"
Really? You think this is an impulse buy? "Well lets see, other than the fire up my ass right now, I am having a red letter day! And yourself?"
The guy behind me is refilling his Herpes cream, maybe he is going on a picnic later. Fire in the hole lady, lets scan it, tell me the price, so I can get the hell to my car and APPLY IT!!
Now you have to goof off
"So Brad, what can you do for this company?"
"I can do this." start snapping fingers and whistling.
"Can you tell us something about yourself?"
"Well, I have pink eye, and my foot is asleep. Oh, and I have matching silverware for the plate in my head."
"Do you have any hobbies?"
"I like to collect ointment. I also enjoy lunging at people cause I think I can fly."
"What do you bring to this company?"
"Do you mean other than the head lice and genital herpes?"
"We will be in touch."
First I was taken back... All I could think was "What kind of question is that?"
But my reply was totally different... ever have that happen? Happened to me...
What I ment to say was "Of course I would..."
All I could reply was "Can a person that weighs six hundred pounds HAVE sex?"
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