I am a comic that thinks outside the box.. after everything is gone from inside it. I was born without that filter that keeps certain thoughts inside, and most times, it pops out at the worst moments.. its going to happen, so best be prepared for whatever is about to come out.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Growing up with a Military Dad

Anyone grow up in a military family? That was hard.. listening to your father and then having other people try to teach you the opposite cause its their job...
My dad would scare us into listening to him... "Now look!! Take care of your shit son!"
Thats hard to comprehend when your 5. I am standing there infront of him like "Umm I did.. I flushed!"

"No, you take care of your stuff, shine it up, keep it in good working condition, and put it away.. and if its not there in the morning, then its your fault its missing. Got IT!?"

Then you go to daycare and your teacher is teaching you to share.. share your things Brad... Thats what we do, this is the sharing place... ok... great... the all of a sudden my Baby Blue #21 crayon went missing out of my 64 box.. All of a sudden it turned into a scene from full metal jacket..


Brad, get off the desk!! And no recess for you.

Its ok, during nap time, two of the kids put all my crayons in a sock, and beat the shit out of me.

Dating a teacher

So I am dating a teacher now.. that's working out pretty well. Its a bit weird dating a preschool teacher, she is really weird about it too.. we were partying really hard one night, and I got sick, ended up throwing up,... all she did was cover it with sawdust, and give me a graham cracker.

Hell after the first time we had sex she put a gold star on my penis.... she said it was playing well with others.

She threw me for a loop the other night.... she turned to me while we were watching TV, and said Can we talk about our sexual fantasies?"

"You go first."

"Well sometimes I fantasies about you being a little more muscular..."
"mmmm well,.. sometimes... I fantasies about you being less of a judgemental bitch."

I cant be too mad at her can I? I mean, after all, my top 20 fantasies don't even involve her.
Number 7 doesn't even involve me!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

My Dr's Note

Sooo I woke up yesterday and had a shocking discovery.. I found a lump on my left gonad. Yeah,.. I was scared!

So I went to the doctors office, and after a little "examination" or as I call it "stranger touching me in the dirty place", he explained to me that it was not cancerous, or something to be worried about.

What I had was an inflamed Epididymits. I had no idea what that was.

So, he explained to me that the Epididymits is the tube that carries my sperm from my testicles, to my penis,.. to the inside of my boxer shorts....
I wondered how that got there!!

He said it comes from having some pressure, so to relieve said pressure, he said that I am going to have to relieve that pressure.. so I am going to have to masturbate,.. about three to four times a day.

I said "Umm Doc,.... can I get that in writing??"
How cool would that be to have a doctors note to masturbate!!

Pot vs Drinking

I came to a realization tonight, that drinking leads to bad decisions, and pot,.. leads to making fun of people that drink and make bad decisions.

I went out with my friends one night, was not drinking, decided to "enlighten" my evening with a little pot.. while all my friends were just drinking alcohol.
The next day,... I asked one of them that came out "Hey man, what happened last night?"
His responce was "Ohhh, you remember that ugly chick at the end of the bar.. we kind of made fun of her at one point.. yeah.. well,.. I just kept drinking untill she wasnt ugly any more!"

Really... gees.. I could be stoned out of my mind.. ugly chick at the end of the bar... still ugly!! Probably uglier, cause now that mole on her face would be all talking to me.. yeah, not sleeping with the ugly mole chick.

I might,.. MIGHT, get a handy from the mole, but only for a story for poker night.

Speaking should not be allowed during sex.

I think that there should be a law that prohibits speaking.. like actual conversation, during sex.

I remember I was in bed with a woman one time, shut up, its believable... and she said the most randomly inappropriate things when we were getting it on.

The first time it happened, she said "Hey,.. how come you never see homeless women?"
Ummm, am I doing something wrong?

The last time we were having sex, right in the middle of it,.. like getting right at it, she turned to me and said "Wow, you have hands like my dad!"

I kinda ruined the relationship,... cause all I could say back to that was "Well,.. I guess thats ok, cause you have lips like your sister!"

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Halloween is tough for some people

I only found this out, in Ontario, if your a registered sex offender, you are not allowed to open your door to trick or treaters. Which is a good law,.. but it got me thinking.

Your not enough of a "social outcast" in the neighborhood already,.. now your the dick that doesn't give out candy.

Isn't Halloween just "entrapment" for registered sex offenders?

Here is this person just rocking himself sane, in his darkened house, when all of a sudden there is a knock at the door and when he opens it there are five power rangers lined up before him?

"Hey, Children of Canada, don't ever take candy from strangers.... OH! That is.. unless it is Night. You walk to their house. And you are in Costume!!" Then its a fabulous idea!!

Hello,.. I represent Mixed Messages!!

Halloween "Scary House"

Want to be remembered on your street for having the best scary house at halloween.. this is what you do.

First, go out and get the best candy, not the shitty candy corn or the tootsie rolls.. but the good stuff, Chips, big chocolate bars, you know what I am talking about.

Then, when the door bell rings, you go to the door, and wait for a total of about 10 kids to get there.. open the door, and tell them "You want this big bowl of candy,.. all you have to do is make it thru the "Scary house".. and let them wonder into your home...

In one corner, have a cage with a kid trapped in it already and when some kid first notices that there is someone in the cage, thats when the kid in the cage yells "ITS A TRAP!! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!! THERE IS NO CANDY!!"

You will never be forgotten.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Free Therapy

I just recently learned this,.. and am so happy that I did, cause it is saving me TONS of cash.

I didn't know that when a telemarketer calls you, they are not allowed to hang up on you.

Swear to god, they are not ALLOWED to hang up on you.. you know what that means?? You can just talk, about anything, and they are stuck there.

I don't even pay for therapy anymore. All I ever needed was a willing ear, which just so happens to be what they are looking for too.

Its a win win if you ask me.

I'm like "You called me,.. Lets go!"

Don't get me wrong, they will try to steer you back to the magazine subscriptions.. But I keep them on track!

"Whats that? You have issues? Ohhh honey,..I have issues....."

All I want to do is keep them on the phone as long as possible, cause if I am on the phone with them, that means my creditors can't get thru!

The guy from Bell called me the other day, and he was telling me about "The most HD channels than any other company, and with this particular package, you get over 200 channels!"

I was like "Really,...... Name them? Slowly,.. I am writing these down."

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Nature Shows...

I love watching nature shows... you can really learn alot from them.
There was one on Blue Whales,.. very interesting.. I did not know this, the Blue Whale mates for life.
Did not know that.
I also did not know this.. that when the male Blue Whale ejaculates, it ejaculates 400 gallons of semen... on average.

400 gallons.... However, only ten percent makes it into its mate... So if your wondering why the ocean is salty....

Also, did not know this.. for woman's facial cosmetics.... 80% of all facial cosmetics contain as little as "trace" whale semen in them...

I think that is a bit of a double standard.. cause when I ask women to put MY semen on their face,... I get told no!

I also saw one on Sea Turtles.. this was so cool... they said that when Sea Turtles mate, they mate underwater, but they still breath air... the female has to come up for air, cause if not, the male will forget and drown.

I don't know about you, but all I can think is,.. Now THAT is some good pussy right there!
I might not always hear the phone ring, but I never forget to BREATHE!!!

Monday, October 25, 2010

My Daughter

I absolutely love my daughter, and as a parent, I can honestly say I would not trade her for any other kid... Some parents cant say that,.. and I know who you are.. I have seen your ugly little goblin running through the grocery store sticking his talons into all the free samples they give out.. knocking shit off the shelves,....I see it coming at me.. all I can think is yell "Get the hell back in your cage!"

You know who you are that have the little ugly bastard kid!

Has the little tuft of hair, slurs his words, like Sloth from "The Goonies".

Keep feeding him Baby Ruths, go rent Goonies, and you will see what he will look like when he is 14!!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Groups of Women at the bar...

I watch people when I go out.. more so groups of people than just a random single person.. cause that's called stalking.. and illegal in most areas.

I tend to watch groups, and one thing I have learned about watching groups is this... women.. if your out with your friends,.. be it a bar, Starbucks, the movies.. where ever.. there is one of you in the group that is a cock blocker.

Think about your group of friends.. some of you know of her right off the bat!! "Oh its that fucking Samantha!! That cock blocking bitch! If she's not getting laid NO ONE IS GATTING LAID!!!"

And if you think of your group of friends, and are thinking "hmmmm... you know what, there isn't one in my group! You don't know what your talking about!!"

Guess what..... Its YOU!!

I know what my job is when I go out with my friends.. I play the part of a wing man!! And god damnit, I am a good one.. I will do what I have to do, especially if that chick my buddy is trying to pick up happens to be a 9+ on the "woman" scale!! Right fellas?

I will give him the keys to my car,.. pick up the tab if he is short on cash, talk him up to help him seal the deal.. What ever it takes!! ,,,, maybe jump on the "ugly" grenade..

Don't boo me!! Fuck you,..I know my roll... and most of the time.. I can see hers!! ok.

Lets face it though.. some times.. there are some grenades you just cant jump on. You can look at it and all you can think is ... "Shit, sorry man,.. we are not all going to make it out of here alive!"

You know the one I am talking about right.. Your hitting it off well with someone at a bar, and your this close to getting her out of there and on your way to anywhere to do what ever. Then this chicky just drops from the sky like a phantom "Whoosh!"

"Jennifer,.. whats going on here.. what are you doing... what.. no... no, you came here with us, your leaving with us.. ok.. here, lets go to the bathroom and talk...."
Your standing there like "Who the hell are you?"
"Who am I? I am the cock blocker ok, you just mind your own business!

You know the one I mean, has both eyes on the same side of her head... walks with a limp cause she has gout with a club foot.. and not the dance club kind!! I am just saying,... she looks like an overgrown gremlin... "Why is she ordering water... if she spills it on herself, more will pop out of her back!!"

Saturday, October 16, 2010

I LOVE youtube!!

I just saw a video this morning on youtube that was utterly AWESOME!!!

If you have not seen this, you need to go home and check this out within one minute of getting in the door.

Youtube "Nickleback booed off stage".. its in Portugal!! Seeing this, gives me a new respect for the Portuguese..and their hatred.. cause they thru rocks at Nickleback. You know whats even better about this... it was an indoor venue!

AWESOME..I hate nickleback, about as much as I hate Creed.. remember that shitty band? Me either!

Lets break down what had to happen... They bought tickets...... picked up rocks and snuck them in.... waited thru an opening act.... Do you know how bad that band had to be?? You know some people were on the edge about to waste their ammo, when someone kept them in focus of the task at hand.. WAIT WE HAVE BIGGER FISH!!

Nickleback comes out and gets thru one song, and as they are firing it up for the second.. it starts raining rocks, he asked the crowd if they wanted to rock and he got ROCKED in the SKULL!!


I want to know one thing.....when is Justin Bieber going.. cause I am going to that concert armed with a rock and I am going to end it...... I am going to save the children... from the child!

Friday, October 15, 2010

Why I hate McDonalds

I am tired of all the lies coming from the commercials from McDonalds.

Everyone has seen these.. and they end the commercials with the same slogan right.. "I'm lovin' it!"

I don't know anyone loving McDonalds at the times they film these ads.. and they are full of lies... everyone is sober, after 2am, eating their fourth meal. What?
"Hey are you awake?"
"SWEET! 4th meal... High Five!"


Everyone is using consonants and talking normally...that ad should sound like this. Two guys pissing on a dumpster
"Hey man, we shouldotally get McOnalds!"
"Fuck you! I will totally shove a my Big Mac up your ASS! Yeah I want McDondalds!"
"Man, i so could,..just fries, and a drink, zzzzzzz.. HA HA HA! WHOO!! I could fuck McDonalds right now! I am LOVIN' THIS!"

How do you know when she is mad?

I had a girlfriend once that would not tell me when she was mad,.. she would make me guess.

I know what she was doing... she was setting me up!

Guessing is confessing!!

She would always give me some kind of signal..the one that pushed us over the edge... I remember like it was yesterday.

She made me a sandwich... nice right..... yup... with the two end pieces of bread.

The messed up part... it was not even the last two pieces of bread!

She had to reach all the way to the back of the bag,...inside the loaf,.. to get the other end piece.

I didn't even notice... she tricked me, cause she made the sandwich inside out.

She put mayonnaise on the BROWN SIDE!!! I should have known when I took my first bite.. I was thinking "man.. this tastes extra crusty!"

She handed it to me,.. I saw crumbs on her forearm... and all I could think was,.. she ate an entire bag of chips and put none on this plate with the sandwich.. "Hey, are you mad at me?"

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

How can you tell when women are into you?

I wish I could figure out how to tell when women were into me.. cause I dont have that filter.
I suck at knowing when women are into me,... I never catch the hints.

It would be so much easier if you all had stop lights implanted into the middle of your foreheads.

Follow me on this... I see two women standing at the end of the bar,.. I kinda dig the one on the left, she is doing that thing with her tongue, you know what I am talking about..

So I start walking down there towards her, she sees me coming.. BANG! Red Light. I know to stop.

Maybe her friend is into me though.. POW! Arrow!

What a time saver.. Guys... you go out with your friends, head down town, pop into a bar, open the door, "Oh shit guys.. we gotta go!! Nothing but red lights in here, fucking traffic jam!"

Ladies, this works for you too.. your sending signals down to that cute guy at the end of the bar, right, but he is watching the football game, and misses them.

But that fat guy beside him totally see you looking that way.. probably me.. so I get my beer and start walking towards you... CAUTION, CAUTION, CAUTION, YELLOW, YELLOW, YELLOW, SLOW DOWN! SLOW DOWN! RED LIGHT! RED LIGHT! RED LIGHT!

But I keep coming.. thats when you hand me a ticket for $295 for running a red light!!

Buying a Prostitute

I read an article in the paper where a guy was arrested for buying a prostitute,.. in the morning.

I don't mean like this guy had gone out drinking until the wee hours of the morning and decided to get a prosty on the way home, ok. This guy set his alarm, got up, and drove to the shitty part of town to get one.

I have never read anything so simultaneously gross and cool all at the same time.

You know what I do before I go to work? Eat cereal.. I eat cold wet food, then grab the lunch pail and head off to work. I even hit the snooze bar for quick ten minute nap!!

Meanwhile, this jackass has the gumption to get up extra early, and his first thought is "Lets go get some pussy!"

Cool, I know.. but its gross... think about it..
Yeah he is all clean and freashly dressed right... but its the morning.. its the END OF HER SHFT!!! This perv drives into town, rolls up to one, and is all "Hello, before you go home and wash all those other men off you,... I was wondering.. do you take cheques?"

Buying a Pregnancy Test

Ladies need to learn there are some things guys cannot buy... like Pregnancy tests!!
Do you know how much these things cost?? $27.95!!

I saw that and was like "Fuck this,.. I will just wait and see if she gains weight!"

For that price you can get a pizza,.. with toppings!! I know my priorities!

The same time I am in this isle, there is a dude trying to steal one...... now I didn't know who his babies mama was,.... but I am pretty sure she will not be getting child support!

He needs priorities!! If your going to steal, steal in a way that its going to help you.. know what I mean.. he would not of been in this situration if he had stolen CONDOMS!!

WTF Ladies?!?

I was in shoppers drug mart the other day getting some deodorant, but unfortunately in my wondering the store for what I needed, I ended up in the feminine hygiene isle,.. you know, the one with all the pads, and wings, and strings!!

I was not really looking at what was written on the boxes, but two words jumped off the box that I just happened to be walking past.. it said "Heavy Flow"

These things looked like travel pillows!!

I am pretty sure I would be able to tell if someone was wearing one of these things too, cause as soon as a woman sat with one of these... it would sound like a transport truck letting the brakes out.. you know the sound... PSHHHHHHHHHHHHT!

Ladies,.. I am sorry,.. but if you have that much flow, you don't need pads.... you need STITCHES!!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Public restrooms

I was in a public rest room recently, and had an interesting incounter... now let me set this up for you.

It was a single bathroom, door locked, and on the outside, when you locked the door, there was a little sign that would change from "vacant" to "in use".. any idiot should be able to understand how this works... even if you can read the words are in different colours vacant was green, and in use was red.. pretty simple right.

Now it is late,.. on a Friday,.. after going out... I was a ways from home.. and needed to..."drop the kids off at the pool".

So I whip in to this gas station, run to the bathroom and am in the process of putting them in the "deep end".. and this guy comes up to the door and knocks on it.. which by the way you get to do one time. Ok. Once, that's is all you need to do. Knock one time and when there is a reply, you wait. That's the way its been working for decades....

Not two minutes later,.. same guy, knocks on the door again and says "Are you still in there?"

Did I come out yet? Yeah I am still in here, and now its going to be a while cause now I am going to piss on everything I think your going to touch!!

The toilet seat, the thing you press when you flush, the toilet paper, the baby changing station, the paper towels,... yeah, even the condom/colone dispenser.

Have you seen that thing by the way? the Condom/Colone dispenser?? Its about this big... if your buying your condoms in a gas station bathroom, I am willing to bet that the farm animal you are about to sleep with, isnt going to care how you smell!

Its all about timing

I remember back when I started having "real" fun with girls.. some people may call it "adult time", maybe "sexual relations" would be better.... anyway, we were messing around and "we" realized that "we" were out of condoms. So "she" decided that "we" should try the "pull out" method...

Now, let me explain.... luck has never been something that has been good to me. I could fall in a bucket of nipples, I come out sucking my thumb, ok.... so "we" set the gps for pulloutsville,... That's a lot of pressure for a guy.. that requires really good timing...something you should probably be really good at.

Its like going to the gas station, and you have only a twenty dollar bill in your pocket... and your pumping gas, and you have to stop right on the twenty,.. cause if you go even one penny over, and you go inside, they give you a baby!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


There was an article in Maxim that caught me totally off guard. It was talking about how bad Meth is.. but the puzzling part was that it had a "pleasure" scale of how good it made you feel.

Yeah, thats what we need to keep the kids off Meth, let them know how good it makes you feel, they will definitely stay away!

The scale was based on Dopamine, the pleasure sensing chemical that your brain releases when your doing certain activities.

Apparently, eating a cheeseburger was 1.5,.... Having sex... was 2.

Really.. there must have been some bacon on that cheeseburger.. cause that just does not seem right to me.. I am just saying, they are only a half a point apart on the scale.. so that tells me either that is the most amazing, "magical" cheeseburger ever inve.. wait, what is that? Ground unicorn meat on that cheeseburger? That is delicious! Or that is lousy sex.. take your pick!

So its cheeseburger 1.5, Having sex 2, Having a cigarette also a 2, Cocaine was a 4,.... Meth... 11!!

Can anyone vouch for this? No, cause they are all at home scratching their skin and holding their teeth in there pocket sitting in their mobile home.

Do you know what that means? You could be eating a cheeseburger, having sex, smoking a cigarette, on cocaine, STILL NOT TO METH YET!!
Not even close!! Your still at least a hand job and a happy meal away!!

Friday, September 17, 2010

how to meet the ladies...

I have been trying to figure out a way to meet women since I have been single and I came up with what I thought was a pretty good idea.. join a cooking class.... you know what I saw when I got there.. other creepy dudes!!!

Now you might look at me and think "Man, I bet this guy looks at lots of Internet porn!" and you would be right.

I look at so much Internet porn that I should probably join a support group.. which is true,.. but I am afraid that if I do, when I get there, all I would see is the guys from my cooking class!

If you didn't see that coming you weren't looking!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

I like my women

I really like women.. I do..
I like my women like I like my cars... Paid for!

I like my women like I like my chairs.... able to support my ass.

I like my women like I like my meth labs... always cooking!

I like my women like I like my peas... Black eyed, and dont make me tell you again bitch!!

I like my women like I like my beer... gone when I am done!

I think I figured women out

It finally hit me.. I know how to compare women to something that everyone can understand.

Women are like sunglasses.....

The really pretty ones that you spend alot of money on, and you want to always take care of,.. you will loose.

However, the cheap ones that you pick up in a gas station and you really dont give a shit about, you will have for years, and years, and years.

Some guys will want to clap at this, but cant... cause she is sitting right beside him.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Different rules when it comes to drinking.

You cant even get too drunk with your wife or girlfriend. You ever notice fellas that if she gets too drunk its never her fault?
"What happened babe?"
"I don't know.. I was just drinking, I don't know what happened."

I love this one "Someone put something in my drink!" I know.. its called alcohol!

And I don't know what it is with you ladies, but you get too drunk and you loose the ability to walk. Men, we get fucked up but we are still waking.. "fuck it, i got it.. i got it..",.. most will even still try to drive.
Not women. you drink too much, you just give up. Ever have this conversation fellas? "get up! COME ON BABE, GET UP!"
"just leave me here.."
"Your in the McDonalds parking lot."
"Carry Meeeeeee"

You better carry her ass... you hear me.. you better put her to bed, leave her water and Tylenol by the bed.. and you better be there for her every two minutes when she wakes up thinking she has to throw up.

"I am going to throw up.. come with me hurry."
"I am not sick.. Your sick.. I am going back to slee..."

So there you are, sitting on the edge of the tub.. helping her NOT throw up.

"just do it"

"Just do it"
"It hurts!"

"let it out you will feel better"

I am not mad...
"Your yelling your mad!!"

Kids, go back to bed, mommy is not feeling well.
"Don't let my babies see me like this."

what about when its us.. huh ladies.. what about when we are the ones dying!!

Are you helping us? No,.. your in the door way making it worse.

"Look at you.. your pathetic! Your fucking pathetic.. I hope you die motherfucker... ohh look.. now your pissing on yourself..... get in the tub!! KIDS wake up!! come in here... look at your father..... "

On Line Dating

My friends convinced me to try online dating so I tried that...

everyone says their friends convinced them to try it.. everyones a lier cause you do that on your own, late at night when no one is watching. Its like looking at porn, you don't want to get caught looking at that site, ever!

Women write some funny shit on their profiles.. stuff like "I am an outgoing lady looking for an outgoing guy"

Bullshit, we are both in front of the computer on a Friday, who are you lying too?

Women are deceptive with their photos too... you see one thing online and then you see them in the coffee shop and its like Ohhh.. Eeee! Well,..... still going to fuck her!

I did POF, anyone else here do that? No? over 100 thousand people on there, but I am the only one from Ottawa.. nice.

So let me tell you how it works, you put your information on the Internet, and then you do this 50 question survey... and then the Internet will send you matches weekly with whom it thinks is a match for you based on those questions.

So far the Internet has been a bit of a dick about it.

I am not getting good matches is all I am saying.. ok.. its like I get "Hey Brad, I see you like to sit on the couch and watch movies.. maybe you should send this woman with a lazy eye that never shuts up a message cause you wont want to take her out in public."
"Wait, we also see that you like to go to bars every now and then so maybe you would like this woman who is a 2 at 10 but at 2 she is a ten.... ohh and she is a slight alcoholic..."

Internet dates are tough, if you have never been on one.. its weird right from the start cause you met online, that's not normally how you meet people. So at the start of the date you are like "Ahh ok.. sooo whats wrong with you? Cause I got alot of stuff going on with me that I left off the profile. I see you may have left a few things off as well... like for instance.. when did you loose that ear? How do your glasses stay on? When were you going to tell me you were in a wheel chair?"

Thursday, August 12, 2010


Ohhh ladies,.. we have to talk. I love you ladies, I do, I am a big fan. But every time we get together you try to change me.

Every time we are together its always "Pick this up, pick it up. This does not go here. The hamper is over there, pick it up."

No, I have a system. See everything on this side of the floor is dirty. And everything on this side of the floor is dirty,... but I am going to wear it again. You didn't see my work boots still in my jeans?!?

And what is it with women wanting men to shave their body hair. Is that what you want ladies? To sleep with a man, that is smoother than you? Then you will wonder why your getting cold at night. Shit sleep with me... you will be kicking a leg out saying "Damn its hot in there!!"

Remember your dad... did your mom try to change your dad? He never shaved his body hair. Shit he didn't even need Q-tips, cause he had keys. Men are actually getting manicures now.. seriously.. Manicures... Look, if your nails are too long, let me tell you what you do, ok.. you bite them off like every other guy out there in the world and spit them on the floor.

What ladies... you don't play by the rules. You can have an entire photo album of all the ex boyfriends that have been in your lives right there in the middle of the living room coffee table. We start looking thru it asking questions like "Who is this dork?" and you get mad at us.
"Stop it! Stop it! Give me those! Those are my memories! These men have nothing to do with you. Your so insecure, get over it."

But let her find a picture of you and another woman... not an album... ONE.

You will come home to the devil. Go walking in like "Honey I am home!" and she meets you at the door "Who is this bitch? Who is this! Don't look at her! Don't look at her! Don't touch me! Who is this whore!"

"Hey relax would you.. that was Prom!"

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The One Upper Friend

I love my friends, but I think everyone has one of these friends in their circle.. its the "one upper" friend.

You know who you are.. you little son of a bitch!! All you want to do is tell your story..that's it. They are never there when you start it, so you think to yourself, "Ok, I can get this one in".. then half way thru they show up and butt in.

"I was at the cottage last week, and I came across this 30 foot cliff. So I found my way up thru this back path, and when I got to the top, I didn't think I could get myself to jump but I worked up the courage, and plunged down into the frigged water."

You don't even get to finish tellin the entire story, and they are all "SO WHAT!!"
they always start with so what, makes your story seem lame.

"SO WHAT!! Yesterday I scaled a 100 foot rock face with my TEETH! When I got to the top, I could not even see the water at the bottom cause the clouds were so thick! An eagle soared passed me giving me a nod as if to say 'you are safe to dive my friend'.. so I got into a hand stand, and fell into a front somersault doing two full turns and three and a half twists. As the sunset was touching the water and the sun rays were glistening off my body, I entered the water with only a ripple. When I surfaced,.. I was holding a treasure chest!"

SHUT UP SEAN! My story was not filled with fucking lies you asshole!

He turned to me and offered me a golden chocolate coin. So I took it and walked in shame back to my cubical.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Something I dont miss.

I have had these every now and then, and some are not bad.. and others,.. well... why bother.
I am talking about hand jobs. Ladies,.. I want to say thank you for trying.. HOWEVER.... if that's what your going to do... if that's ALL your going to do,.. then I have to say...

Rub my back... ok.. Cause I can't reach my back.

I cant take care of this all day.

And if you are one of those that thinks you can handle it.. please remember. Don't talk to me when your doing it cause its just fucking creepy! Besides the fact you break my concentration. I don't want to know what you had for supper when I am trying to get off.

And as much as I appreciate you taking care of your self down there. Trimming it up, making it pretty. Don't expect the same in return.

I had a girlfriend tell me once "Hey, I think you should shave your back."

I was like what? are you kidding me?

She was all about it.. she said "No seriously, I think you really need to shave your back, I mean after all I take care of myself for you, I think its only fair that you do the same. Don't you?"

I could not help but fully agree. I caved.

I flat out told her.. "You know what baby,... Your so right. So how about this.. Next time you lick my back and make me cum, I will take it all off for you!!"

Quiting smoking

Everyone is drinking? Thats cool, its a Monday, why not. Screw it, drink up then drive home real fast it will be sweet!

I quit drinking from January to May, but I am back cause it is tasty. I quit drinking cause I wanted to quit smoking. Not because I have a problem with alcohol, I have a problem with cigarettes. For me, I could not have a drink without having a cigarette.

It was like trying to poop and not pee. I couldn't do it.

You can smoke and not drink, and you can pee and not poop.

But you cant drink and not smoke, and you cant poop and not pee, I have tried it, doesn't work!


I have learned this, to date a woman in this market, you need to contact your cell phone provider and sign up for a text messaging plan.

Holy Shit! Its a phone! Its a phone, ok... ladies, you want to talk to me, guess what, there is a button on your phone, says fucking talk, you press the button that says the shit that you want to do.

I am not anti-txt messaging ok, however, my name is also not Ron Textall either. Me and my buddies text message each other all the time.

The difference is, that its a message... its one line.... and it needs no answer.

"Hey, meet me here."

or "Hey, I am running late."

or "Hey, that chick your talking to is fucking nasty, shut it down and lets go."

And don't look at me like that cause girls do it too. You do.. be honest.

It doesn't matter what sex you are, if you have ever been hitting on someone and the shit was going well,...

then all of a sudden looked at their phone.......

then looked at you.....

and walked away....

Yeah, someone just reached out and cock blocked you.

it should not be used to carry on a conversation, and I will tell you why.

I went out with my buddies and my girlfriend at the time went out with hers. The plan was to meet back at the house whenever things wrapped up, no time set. Well, somewhere in there, my girlfriend got a little drunk, happened to you?

It happened to me.

And she decided to drunk text me.. you ladies know what that is all about don't you.
I got a message from her that said "Whats up? Where are you? I want to fuck you!"

I wrote back "Were out. See you at the house later."

Again, ladies,.. its a message. its supposed to be quick, like fast food,... in and out.

Then I got another one from her, that read "No, tell me something you want to do to me,.. I am horny!"

All I could think to myself is "this is not going to end well." You ladies like keeping these messages and bring them up later with your friends.

So I wrote back "I want to have sex with you."

I get back, "Tell me something hot!"

So I cave, cause I am fucking whooped! and I write back "I want to lick your pussy."

But my phone has this T9 word.. where the phone THINKS it knows what you are trying to say and puts it in for you.

So what she read was "I want to kick your puppy."

That's a great story at parties let me tell you!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

KY hers and mine

I learned this recently...there is a new sexual lubricant on the market.

I am sure your happy your hearing this from me.
Its called "KY Yours and Mine". Its actually two lubricants. One provides a "thrilling" feeling for her, and the other provides an "invigorating" sensation for him.

HOWEVER, when you maturebate with both, they combine to create in "intense sensation" of shame!

Signs of Aging

I know I am getting older.. but it really hit me the other day. Here is how I know I am getting older.

Now when I see a hot teenage girl walking down the street, I think to myself "Wow, I bet she has a hot... Mom!"

I want to see the mom now, I didnt realize that was the next phase of life. Whats next? Where's GRANNY!! I want to see three generations of this magic!! Lets Go!!

Monday, April 26, 2010

I am my own Gatoraid factory!!

I was drinking rye the other night, and that is never a good thing for me. Cause I am out of shape, and so when I drink Rye, the next day I get "Fat Man Moustache"... you know what that is.... its where you get beads of sweat on your upper lip.

Just from doing nothing.. at all... just walking from the living room to the kitchen, I am like "Wtf is that..ohh its sweat coming out of my upper lip. Cause all my other sweat glands all over my body are soooo tired of sweating that its now coming out of my LIP!"

Is that healthy? I don't think so... but its ok.. I am turning my negatives into a positive.. cause now when I am walking and I get tired, I lick my upper lip.. and guess what... electrolytes right back into my system!!Sounds gross, I know.... but I am now my own Gatorade factory!

My Peeps....