I am a comic that thinks outside the box.. after everything is gone from inside it. I was born without that filter that keeps certain thoughts inside, and most times, it pops out at the worst moments.. its going to happen, so best be prepared for whatever is about to come out.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Simple Mis-understanding

Have you ever been misunderstood before? Where you say something to somebody, they take it the wrong way, and there is nothing,..... NOTHING you can do to yank those words back out of the one ear, jumble them up and stick them in the other?

Or,.. where someone will see you doing something, but they only see you doing Part of it,.. and they jump to conclusions?

Get this,.. I had a girlfriend one time, accuse me,.. of masturbating in my sleep.... What?

I was like "I was not sleeping!!! I was only masturbating!!!! You sick-o! I thought YOU were sleeping though!"

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Whats wrong with me.

Obviously,..everyone has some food that they really like. Some would say they love,.. I don't love food,.. I like it. Its a necessity to live.

Some of the foods I like,.. however,.. don't seem to like me back. They give me heartburn. So I went to the doctors office to see if there was something they could give me. All kinds of medications out there,.. there must be something to fix this.

After I told the doctor what was going on,.. he said he would be right back. I figured he went to get me a prescription,.. yeah, I was way off.

What he went and got was a piece of paper.... and he handed it to me.
Know what was on it? A list of things that give me heartburn.

I am sitting there looking this over, and I turned to him and said "Uh, Doc,.. I,.. I already know this. I know how to get it! I need something to take it away."

So then he asked me a small list of questions.. and you would think that by looking at me he could figure out the answers already.
#1 - Do you eat fried or fatty foods?

Gee,... do ya think??

#2 - Do you eat large meals?

You mean like breakfast, lunch and dinner?

#3 - Do you eat within 2-3 hours before going to bed?

Well, lets see, are you talking about the large meals,.. or just snacking in general? cause I have a small refrigerator beside my bed "in case of an emergency",... and there are emergencies every night.

#4 - Do you wear tight fitting clothing?

Yeah, I work as "Disco Dave" down at the 'All Male review' pealing it off for the ladies every Thursday night so they can hit me with dollar coins all night long! Cause everyone wants to see this naked!!

So then he turned to me, pulled his glasses off, and said "You know Brad,... you should probably drop a couple of pounds,.."

Thank you.
Only your doctor can kindly give you the adulation you need while insulting your very being at the same time.
"So, in closing Brad, you should loose some weight,.... and those congenital growths are looking really weird. Have a great day!"

"Alright Doc,... I am SO looking forward to when we can get together again. Thanks for the confidence boost! Steer Clear of the hideous beast that is ME!"

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Growing up a "fat" kid

You would be surprised to know this but.... I was a heck of an athlete in high school. Looking at my body, you may not believe me.. I have lost my "edge".. and any kind of corner that may have been there has been pushed into a somewhat "circular" shape... I know.

But when I was in high school.. I was on the wrestling team..... wait, it gets better..... I also had a PERFECT record!! I was 48 - 0!!

But you would be surprised what happens when you come out ready for a match wearing the head gear with a pink "singlet" on........... and an erection.

It was hard growing up a fat kid.. cause you miss out on some of those life experiences..... like... I never learned how to swim when I was a kid...... cause I never made it 30 minutes past a meal.

A friend of mine told me once "Brad, you should really not wear a stripped shirt like that... it makes you look fat."

Really,.. I don't think so. The shirt does not make me look fat... the Fried chicken and a 6 pack of beer every day makes me look fat. The shirt is just PROTECTING you from the fat, so I think you should be thankful I have it on.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Getting help at the Gym

So I joined a gym a while back right... no results yet, but I guess that's whats expected when you don't go. So I went last week,.. and they have a personal trainer that will "guide" you through the machines on your first visit.

The trainer that they set me up with was a female, and one of the exercises that she showed me was called "peck-flies". That is where you lay on your back on a bench with a dumbbell in each hand and do a cross over hugging motion.

Now she is leaning over me and spotting me, which is not a good position for her cause her breasts are now only three inches away from my face. And let me tell you,.. her breasts were so out of proportion with her body,... that they were just... BEAUTIFUL!

She's like "Ok, now you need to concentrate." Really,.. how the hell am I supposed to concentrate with your titties in my face lady?

I had an urge for milk and cookies all of a sudden.

"Got milk?" Almost!

So I am doing these, and she is counting down the numbers and in between the numbers she said "That's it,.... visualize the muscle growing.. 8...7...6.."

What the hell are you talking about... 'Visualize it?'

I am surprised you can't fucking SEE IT!

Canadian Ballet

I feel like I am pretty cultured, right. I am starting to enjoy some wine tasting.. it just depends on how drunk I am and how much the chick says when I am "down there" before I get turned off.

But I was "exposed" to a part of culture that I had forgot about... The Canadian Ballet. For those of you that don't know what I am talking about... I am referring to Strip Clubs.

I found something out when I was there,.. see the first four strippers that came out,... and they all had that "area down there" pierced.

WOW! I could not believe it... I figured that the Canadian Government must have been "tagging" the strippers...... to study their migratory patterns.

Hit them with the dart gun, bend them over, tag them, and the release them back into their natural habitat so they can dance again and not even realize anything was touched. Like a fucked up French version of "Mutual of Ontario's Desolate Commonwealth".

Getting no answers

I don't know what I did to deserve this, but this has been going on lately, and for some reason people seem to think that it is "ok" to not respond to me when I talk to them. It is happening to me ALL the time now.

I ask someone a question and they just stand there with this blank look on their face. I mean, come on, don't just stare at me, at least respond. Acknowledge the fact I said something. Seriously, all I can think is "Screw you, I know you heard me!"

If you don't like what I am saying, or don't agree with me, at least acknowledge the fact I AM TALKING!! Especially if it is just the two of us.

It is such an awkward situation to be in, you know what I am sayin,... I speak, you don't say anything... I may as well be standing there with my dick in my hand... Come On!!

Just answer my fucking question.... "Does my dick look weird to you?!?"

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Customer Service

Its nice to have good customer service isn't it.. you go out, someone that is doing a great job at whatever it is just blows you away... really makes you walk away with that warm fuzzy feeling inside.

Hasn't happened to me in a while, but life goes on. I kind of feel the service industry is getting a little rude.
See, I went into the grocery store by my house, the Metro, and all I wanted was to get a cake. Now I understand times are getting tough. There is nothing out in the glassed in cake area, like there is nothing on display. So as I approach the girl behind the counter she turns to me and says "I just put everything away cause I close in two hours. You have a problem with that?"
Nope, not at all.... I was just wondering what kind of cake you had.

"Well, why don't you tell me what kind of cake you WANT, and I will tell you if we have it."

Ok, we can go that route... "I was looking for a cake that's not a Bitch."

This morning, we went out to breakfast... all I ordered was Eggs and toast.. not a big order right. On the table was a little plate full of jelly and jam. So when the waiter came to the table, I asked him "Do you know what the difference is between Jelly and Jam?"

His reply,... "Well sir,... I cant exactly 'jelly' my dick down your throat."

I thought that was rude. Turns out he could... ended up being a bigger breakfast than I anticipated.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Telemarketer fun

I had a telemarketer call me last night, and one of the first questions out of his mouth was "Do you think you are paying too much for your auto insurance?"

And I said "Actually yes. I have been with this company for a while, but I think the reason my rates are high,... is because I plowed into a school yard full of kids shortly after I left a wine tasting. What can you do for me?"

Then he was like "I am sorry, ............I think I dialed the wrong number!"

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Douche bag + douche bag = Karaoke fun!!

I like going and watching Karaoke, some of my friends do it ok,.. I get it. I don't get up there, cause I know something no one else knows,.. I cant fucking sing.

But you know what I have noticed,... some people at Karaoke take this WAY too seriously. And you know who they are when they grab that microphone,.. cause they have that same look on their face like "This is my chance!"

And there is only one kind of person worse than this person, and that is.......... the husband and wife combo team! You know who I am talking about,.. they have the matching Karaoke jump suits on,... and they have been singing the same song every Tuesday night for the last 14 years.
Its always "Love Shack" or "Celebration", "Islands in a Stream", "Summer Nights" or some other piece of garbage.

The last time I went, there was this couple that was singing "Love lift us up where we belong", and every time they got to the chorus,.. they would hold hands and raise them above their heads as if they were asking God himself to Lift them up. She was like five eleven, and was about four feet three,.. no one could have lifted her, ok.

I could just see God up there saying "Mmmmmmm NO! You two don't belong up here,....you two belong down at the Legion on 'Two-fer night! Now scram!"

Saturday, February 14, 2009

My only advice for women

If I had any advice that I can give women, it is this: Your beautiful, stop telling us that your not.

I wanted to do something nice for my girlfriend so I decided to take her shopping, right, I figured "That seems like a chick-magnet thing to do, let's take her shopping."

Know what she did? She called herself horrible things All Day!

We're shopping and all I hear from her is "I'm Fat! This shirt makes me look bloated! I'm Fat! My feet have kankles! Looks like I have two chicken cutlets right here! I'm fat! My ass is huge! "

Its like she is trying to brain wash me, not only do I have to listen to this shit, but now I am thinking "Man, I have a fat girlfriend"

And don't get me wrong, my girlfriend is not fat, ok.....but when you hear that 94 times in a minute you start thinking "Jesus would someone tell this fat bitch to shut up! Hey, don't cry,... you look fat when you cry."

You ladies are beautiful, don't let us in on that, ok.... cause all we see is your Bah-wa-wa-wa (ass) and Bah-wa-wa-wa (Boobs). I mean,... my girlfriend and I have been together for like a year, and I did not even know she HAD a face, you know.

Guys cant argue

I have yet to really see, in my life, a guy win an argument with a woman. I think its up there with the Tooth fairy, The Easter Bunny, and Santa Clause... they are all things that don't exist.

I had an argument once, and honestly I don't know how it started... but do we ever? I can, however, tell you how it ended.

My girlfriend and I were really going at it,....... arguing, and she said, "Is that all I am to you? Are you just in this relationship for the SEX!! Is that the only reason your WITH ME!"

And I was like "No, sex is not the only reason I am with you,.. and to put it in perspective for you,... the bathroom is not the only reason I bought my house,.. but I would be pissed if you took it away!!"

Think about it. If I bought a house, and like say, 9 months later someone comes and rips the toilet out of the bathroom, and only lets you use it once a month and even then it really isn't that good, I would be upset.

I would probably go looking for other toilets. Maybe even try out several at one time. I have a white toilet, but maybe a brown one would be more comfortable... I hear they make them in all shades,.. but I really don't know much about that. Maybe really push the envelope, and get two toilets that look the same but are not related cause that's kind of creepy, you know.. or even an older toilet cause I have always thought that would be cool.

Are you still thinking about toilets??

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Getting over your ex

I think everyone has been dumped at one point in their lives right. That can be hard to get over. You cant stop thinking about them, every time you go somewhere, you see someone that looks like them. Right.

I was dumped once, could not get over her. I could not stop thinking about her. When you get dumped, you cant stop thinking about people.

My friend gave me the best piece of advice, he came over and he said "You know what your problem is dude, you got too much shit laying around reminding you of her.You get rid of all this stuff, and I am telling you,... you will feel much better."

So I tried that,... I was laying in bed, and the pillows smelled like her,.. so I stabbed them. Cut them up into little itty bitty pieces. And he was right,.. I felt a little better. So then I went around the house and collected all the pictures I had of her, and ripped them up into little shreds and set them on fire on the coffee table, and Pee'd on them. Wow, it was like this huge relief off my shoulders.

And then,.... I got the hell out of her apartment, cause her place was bringing me down. There was so much bad energy in that room, and now I feel much better.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Thinking about the Enviroment

Thinking about it today, and seeing all the ads for the "hybrid" cars I don't understand what the big deal is. These things have been around for years and they are still ugly. Why? They can make a Kia look like one hell of a sports car, but for some dumb reason, the "hybrid" cars still look like shit.

They are called a "Hybrid" but to me,.... they just look "Inbred".

You go try to put gas in on of those things and the damn hose goes limp in your hand. Then you have to rub it on the headlights,.. tap it a few times on the gas hole...asking yourself questions like "why does this keep happening to me?", then whispering to your car "its not you,.. its me...."

Which brings me to another point.. I honestly don't care if our oceans ARE contaminated with oil,.. that's what we cook fish in anyway. They are not dying,.. they are just marinating.. cut a hole in a lemon tanker, your half way there to eating anyway. Just trying to be proactive, you know what I'm sayin.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Just realized today,.. I love public Transportation!

Holy crap have I been missing out. I always hear of people bitching about public transportation,.. the bus is late, the people smell on the bus in the summer, people stand too close to you when you ride the bus,.... and to those people I say... HEY! Things are not that bad!! Yeah Crazy people ride the city bus,.. but have fun with it.

I rode on a bus in down town Toronto,.. and there were two guys talking on their cell phones. So I just pretended they were talking to each other. It was a really interesting conversation.

The first guy was trying to figure out how to cook a meat loaf so he was asking questions like "So how long do I put it in for?"
and the guy sitting next to him was talking about some tramp he had sex with the night before and he was giving statements like "All night long!!"

Then I realized that the crazy guy sitting next to me was doing the same thing I was doing, but he just started flipping out.. cause he started yelling "That is NOT how you cook a MEATLOAF!! It will BURN! Someone tell that guy,.. it will burn!!"

But the conversation just kept going, cause the one guy was saying "So what did you do to her?"
and the other guy was like "put a butter glaze on it" and that is when I flipped out and started yelling "Don't do that, you will get an infection on your meatloaf!!'

My Peeps....