Stand up comedy, in the form of a blog... if you want to laugh, then keep on reading.
I am a comic that thinks outside the box.. after everything is gone from inside it. I was born without that filter that keeps certain thoughts inside, and most times, it pops out at the worst moments.. its going to happen, so best be prepared for whatever is about to come out.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
This happened to me a while ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting on the couch with my girlfriend, and she turned to me and said "Hey, why don't you tell me one of your sexual fantasies?"
Its a good thing that we talked about this cause we could not of been further apart from one another. I was thinking that hers was going to involve a specific place, time of year, maybe some romance and feelings, probably some candles or potpourri. Ok shut it, I read Cosmo!
Mine are all about positions. I think I played this out pretty well. I got her to go first so I could see what I was dealing with.
She said "I want to be in Rome on the first day of spring, listening to the church bells going off at sunset.. blah blah blah blah blah" I kind of trailed off but you get the picture.
Then she said "ok, its your turn.. tell me one about me."
Ok, great, if you will just look at my diagram that I have illustrated poorly with stick figures.... You take your right leg.... and put it out to your side, have your other leg at a 25 degree tilt...... so that there is no problem when we start with the whip cream and pudding. Stop talking and pay attention!! This is important, this is why we need your friend Erica!
It was really sudden, almost like one day "happy" next day "happier".
You spend all this time with someone and then suddenly nothing. Its almost like you should be able to treat the situation like a job and give two weeks notice.
Something like "Ok. I just want you to know that I am putting in my two weeks notice. I will just tie up some loose ends. I will get all my things together,.. oh, and I will train the new guy."
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Miller Lite is "Tastes Great, less filling"... awesome, I can drink more of this, cause it wont fill me up!! Bud Lite's new one is not even a real gimmick... its a totally made up word. "Drink-ability"..... whats that even mean? "You can drink this, and hopefully live... not like windshield washer fluid.. silly Indians!"
No other companies can get away with that.... McDonalds can't be like "Buddup-bup-bup-baaaaaahhh YOU CAN EAT THIS!"
Because real companies need to put out real promises and real money back guarantees. I am pretty sure you will never hear a beer company come out with a guarantee.... but how cool would that be?
"If your not completely satisfied with your Old Milwaukee, we will bail you out of jail, get your job back and unpunch your sister in the face! Old Milwaukee... It doesn't get any better than this!"
Monday, March 14, 2011
I don't know, maybe he has a glandular problem that only lets him eat MacDonald's in packs of combo meals.
So here is what happened.. As I was almost at the escalator, maybe a few paces from it, and I figured I would just let Mr. Lazy Bones pass me first, be polite.. and that's when this fucker just cut me off, and makes a wicked turn to get on the escalator.
There are signs that say "No Scooters Allowed". But the problem was now he is just blocking me from the escalator cause the turn was too tight, and the scooters turning radius sucks, and he didn't make it.. so now I am thinking "That's right tubby, just beep beep beep yourself out of the way, and let those that can still walk use the electric stairs". Maybe you should find the freight elevator since those doors are probably bigger and you can pull donuts in the center of it like a handy capped NASCAR event.
BUT NO FOLKS... THIS IS NOT A TRAGEDY!!! THIS IS A TALE OF HEROICS!!
Cause this man stood up, out of his scooter, so I am thinking "Ok, you can walk, cool."
AND HE LIFTED IT UP, GOT ON THE ESCALATOR, CARRIED THIS CONTRAPTION TO THE TOP, PUT IT ON THE GROUND AND SPED OFF TO THE FOOD COURT!!
I just hope this guy dies from a Blue Cheese overdose!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
The one I am referring to was probably the worst relationship I was ever in, but seemed to go on for ever, and ever and ever...
She always asked questions that made no sense.
First of all we lived together.. Just got moved in, and she turned to me and was like `We should get a HDTV, what do you think?"
I have a stigmatizm to light, and wear glasses, she has a lazy eye.. we dont even SEE in HD!!
This is the same girl that sitting on the couch turned to me and said "We should talk about our sexual fantasies!"
Okay.. you go first. I want to know what I am dealing with.
So she said "Well, sometimes I fantasize about you being more muscular"
To which I said "Sometimes I fantasize about you not being such a judgemental bitch!"
I guess I couldnt really get mad at her though.. right... she did want to talk about it. How mad can I be though, my top 20 fantasies didn't even envolve her... #6 doesnt even involve ME for crying out loud!
What ended out relationship though was our relationship in the bedroom. She used to blurt out random shit in the bedroom. Not like dirty talking, ok, just totally random conversation. The first time it happened, we were right into it right, and she just blurts out "Why dont you ever see any homeless women?"
Umm am I doing something wrong here? Really, no "ohhh right there" or "yeah yeah yeah yeah" but Homeless Women...
The last time we had sex, like I mean really, the LAST TIME we had sex.. we were right in the middle of sex... yeah about three minutes in... and she blurts out "Ohhhh you have hands like my dad!"
"Yeah.. well you have lips like your sister!"
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Now I know what your thinking, "Really, your FAVORITE holiday.." and my answer is YES!! YES!! OH GOD YES!!!!
The reason its my favorite holiday, is that I started a tradition with a friend of mine.. we go to Walmart the day of, and pick up a few packs of the grade school valentines that first and second graders give out, you know, that have Scooby Doo on them, or Sponge Bob Square Pants, and then,.. we head down to a strip club.
Everyone wants a valentine right, and besides, Strippers are people too.
I never thought it would work, but let me tell you... Johnny Depp could have been on the other side of the stage making it rain hundred dollar bills, would not have made a difference.
We had every stripper that hit the stage over by us...
Stippers opening cards with Scooby Doo on the outside saying "I LOVE YOU"
and shaggy on the inside all "ZOINKS!! TOO BAD YOUR DAD DIDNT!!"
Monday, January 17, 2011
I am not saying we should get rid of them as a whole, ok, I am just saying that its getting a little carried away with itself. Half the time you take a girls bra off, 2 inches of her boobs just went with it, like What the hell!!`
I can`t get away with doing that, I can walk in here with a 10 inch weiner down my pants.
Girls would be like `Holy crap, look at the crotch on that guy!`
Then you take me home, I pull it out, and throw it behind me.
Oh that, that's just for support. If I don't wear a 10 inch weiner down my pants, my back kills me the next day.
I really don't care about big boobs, ok, its an honesty issue. Its why I like ass.. cause ass is honest.
Cause what you see is what your going to get. At least up until recently. Cause now they have panties with ass inserts, so now you can fake an ass!
And that should be illegal!
And I will tell you this now.. I don't care how hot, and sexy you are, or how close I am to fucking you I am getting... If I pull your ass off,.. I am tapping out!!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
I woke up at approx 7:26am... and I say approx because I am not sure how close to the real time the clocks are in a hotel room. It was not the wake up call I had requested from the front desk.. It was to the banging on the wall behind my head.
You see.. I woke up to the sound of two people having sex. I am not going to go into details, ok,.. but I will say, that they were very, very good. I turned on my tv to try and distract myself from what was going on behind me... but it was soo good, that I tried to listen for pointers.
When they were done, I thought I might have been pregnant.... yeah, it was off the chain, and I think there was a bit of Bible study going on, as there was alot of talking to God.
Now the awkward part happened when I was leaving my room. See it was an old style hotel,.. where you still had a REAL key.. so I am in the process of locking my door as I am leaving, and the couple came out at the same time that was having the porn rehearsal behind my head.
The only difference between my leaving my room, and them leaving theirs?? Is that there was only ONE man leaving my room.. and there was two leaving theirs.. no women..
How weird did I feel knowing I "rubbed one out" thinking of this hot couple going at it, then realizing it was not at all what I thought in my mind.
Maybe I share too much with you guys on here!!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
My dad would scare us into listening to him... "Now look!! Take care of your shit son!"
Thats hard to comprehend when your 5. I am standing there infront of him like "Umm I did.. I flushed!"
"No, you take care of your stuff, shine it up, keep it in good working condition, and put it away.. and if its not there in the morning, then its your fault its missing. Got IT!?"
Then you go to daycare and your teacher is teaching you to share.. share your things Brad... Thats what we do, this is the sharing place... ok... great... the all of a sudden my Baby Blue #21 crayon went missing out of my 64 box.. All of a sudden it turned into a scene from full metal jacket..
"THESE ARE MY CRAYONS.. THERE ARE MANY LIKE THEM BUT THESE ONES ARE MINE! THESE CRAYONS ARE MY BEST FRIEND. THEY ARE MY LIFE. WITHOUT ME MY CRAYONS ARE USELESS! WITHOUT THEM, I AM USELESS"
Brad, get off the desk!! And no recess for you.
Its ok, during nap time, two of the kids put all my crayons in a sock, and beat the shit out of me.
Hell after the first time we had sex she put a gold star on my penis.... she said it was playing well with others.
She threw me for a loop the other night.... she turned to me while we were watching TV, and said Can we talk about our sexual fantasies?"
"You go first."
"Well sometimes I fantasies about you being a little more muscular..."
"mmmm well,.. sometimes... I fantasies about you being less of a judgemental bitch."
I cant be too mad at her can I? I mean, after all, my top 20 fantasies don't even involve her.
Number 7 doesn't even involve me!
Saturday, November 6, 2010
So I went to the doctors office, and after a little "examination" or as I call it "stranger touching me in the dirty place", he explained to me that it was not cancerous, or something to be worried about.
What I had was an inflamed Epididymits. I had no idea what that was.
So, he explained to me that the Epididymits is the tube that carries my sperm from my testicles, to my penis,.. to the inside of my boxer shorts....
I wondered how that got there!!
He said it comes from having some pressure, so to relieve said pressure, he said that I am going to have to relieve that pressure.. so I am going to have to masturbate,.. about three to four times a day.
I said "Umm Doc,.... can I get that in writing??"
How cool would that be to have a doctors note to masturbate!!
I went out with my friends one night, was not drinking, decided to "enlighten" my evening with a little pot.. while all my friends were just drinking alcohol.
The next day,... I asked one of them that came out "Hey man, what happened last night?"
His responce was "Ohhh, you remember that ugly chick at the end of the bar.. we kind of made fun of her at one point.. yeah.. well,.. I just kept drinking untill she wasnt ugly any more!"
Really... gees.. I could be stoned out of my mind.. ugly chick at the end of the bar... still ugly!! Probably uglier, cause now that mole on her face would be all talking to me.. yeah, not sleeping with the ugly mole chick.
I might,.. MIGHT, get a handy from the mole, but only for a story for poker night.
I remember I was in bed with a woman one time, shut up, its believable... and she said the most randomly inappropriate things when we were getting it on.
The first time it happened, she said "Hey,.. how come you never see homeless women?"
Ummm, am I doing something wrong?
The last time we were having sex, right in the middle of it,.. like getting right at it, she turned to me and said "Wow, you have hands like my dad!"
I kinda ruined the relationship,... cause all I could say back to that was "Well,.. I guess thats ok, cause you have lips like your sister!"
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Your not enough of a "social outcast" in the neighborhood already,.. now your the dick that doesn't give out candy.
Isn't Halloween just "entrapment" for registered sex offenders?
Here is this person just rocking himself sane, in his darkened house, when all of a sudden there is a knock at the door and when he opens it there are five power rangers lined up before him?
"Hey, Children of Canada, don't ever take candy from strangers.... OH! That is.. unless it is Night. You walk to their house. And you are in Costume!!" Then its a fabulous idea!!
Hello,.. I represent Mixed Messages!!
First, go out and get the best candy, not the shitty candy corn or the tootsie rolls.. but the good stuff, Chips, big chocolate bars, you know what I am talking about.
Then, when the door bell rings, you go to the door, and wait for a total of about 10 kids to get there.. open the door, and tell them "You want this big bowl of candy,.. all you have to do is make it thru the "Scary house".. and let them wonder into your home...
In one corner, have a cage with a kid trapped in it already and when some kid first notices that there is someone in the cage, thats when the kid in the cage yells "ITS A TRAP!! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!! THERE IS NO CANDY!!"
You will never be forgotten.
Friday, October 29, 2010
I just recently learned this,.. and am so happy that I did, cause it is saving me TONS of cash.
I didn't know that when a telemarketer calls you, they are not allowed to hang up on you.
Swear to god, they are not ALLOWED to hang up on you.. you know what that means?? You can just talk, about anything, and they are stuck there.
I don't even pay for therapy anymore. All I ever needed was a willing ear, which just so happens to be what they are looking for too.
Its a win win if you ask me.
I'm like "You called me,.. Lets go!"
Don't get me wrong, they will try to steer you back to the magazine subscriptions.. But I keep them on track!
"Whats that? You have issues? Ohhh honey,..I have issues....."
All I want to do is keep them on the phone as long as possible, cause if I am on the phone with them, that means my creditors can't get thru!
The guy from Bell called me the other day, and he was telling me about "The most HD channels than any other company, and with this particular package, you get over 200 channels!"
I was like "Really,...... Name them? Slowly,.. I am writing these down."
Thursday, October 28, 2010
There was one on Blue Whales,.. very interesting.. I did not know this, the Blue Whale mates for life.
Did not know that.
I also did not know this.. that when the male Blue Whale ejaculates, it ejaculates 400 gallons of semen... on average.
400 gallons.... However, only ten percent makes it into its mate... So if your wondering why the ocean is salty....
Also, did not know this.. for woman's facial cosmetics.... 80% of all facial cosmetics contain as little as "trace" whale semen in them...
I think that is a bit of a double standard.. cause when I ask women to put MY semen on their face,... I get told no!
I also saw one on Sea Turtles.. this was so cool... they said that when Sea Turtles mate, they mate underwater, but they still breath air... the female has to come up for air, cause if not, the male will forget and drown.
I don't know about you, but all I can think is,.. Now THAT is some good pussy right there!
I might not always hear the phone ring, but I never forget to BREATHE!!!
Monday, October 25, 2010
You know who you are that have the little ugly bastard kid!
Has the little tuft of hair, slurs his words, like Sloth from "The Goonies".
Keep feeding him Baby Ruths, go rent Goonies, and you will see what he will look like when he is 14!!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
I tend to watch groups, and one thing I have learned about watching groups is this... women.. if your out with your friends,.. be it a bar, Starbucks, the movies.. where ever.. there is one of you in the group that is a cock blocker.
Think about your group of friends.. some of you know of her right off the bat!! "Oh its that fucking Samantha!! That cock blocking bitch! If she's not getting laid NO ONE IS GATTING LAID!!!"
And if you think of your group of friends, and are thinking "hmmmm... you know what, there isn't one in my group! You don't know what your talking about!!"
Guess what..... Its YOU!!
I know what my job is when I go out with my friends.. I play the part of a wing man!! And god damnit, I am a good one.. I will do what I have to do, especially if that chick my buddy is trying to pick up happens to be a 9+ on the "woman" scale!! Right fellas?
I will give him the keys to my car,.. pick up the tab if he is short on cash, talk him up to help him seal the deal.. What ever it takes!! ,,,, maybe jump on the "ugly" grenade..
Don't boo me!! Fuck you,..I know my roll... and most of the time.. I can see hers!! ok.
Lets face it though.. some times.. there are some grenades you just cant jump on. You can look at it and all you can think is ... "Shit, sorry man,.. we are not all going to make it out of here alive!"
You know the one I am talking about right.. Your hitting it off well with someone at a bar, and your this close to getting her out of there and on your way to anywhere to do what ever. Then this chicky just drops from the sky like a phantom "Whoosh!"
"Jennifer,.. whats going on here.. what are you doing... what.. no... no, you came here with us, your leaving with us.. ok.. here, lets go to the bathroom and talk...."
Your standing there like "Who the hell are you?"
"Who am I? I am the cock blocker ok, you just mind your own business!
You know the one I mean, has both eyes on the same side of her head... walks with a limp cause she has gout with a club foot.. and not the dance club kind!! I am just saying,... she looks like an overgrown gremlin... "Why is she ordering water... if she spills it on herself, more will pop out of her back!!"
Saturday, October 16, 2010
If you have not seen this, you need to go home and check this out within one minute of getting in the door.
Youtube "Nickleback booed off stage".. its in Portugal!! Seeing this, gives me a new respect for the Portuguese..and their hatred.. cause they thru rocks at Nickleback. You know whats even better about this... it was an indoor venue!
AWESOME..I hate nickleback, about as much as I hate Creed.. remember that shitty band? Me either!
Lets break down what had to happen... They bought tickets...... picked up rocks and snuck them in.... waited thru an opening act.... Do you know how bad that band had to be?? You know some people were on the edge about to waste their ammo, when someone kept them in focus of the task at hand.. WAIT WE HAVE BIGGER FISH!!
Nickleback comes out and gets thru one song, and as they are firing it up for the second.. it starts raining rocks, he asked the crowd if they wanted to rock and he got ROCKED in the SKULL!!
I want to know one thing.....when is Justin Bieber going.. cause I am going to that concert armed with a rock and I am going to end it...... I am going to save the children... from the child!
- ▼ March (5)
- ► 2010 (34)