I am a comic that thinks outside the box.. after everything is gone from inside it. I was born without that filter that keeps certain thoughts inside, and most times, it pops out at the worst moments.. its going to happen, so best be prepared for whatever is about to come out.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
There are tons of great things that have come from nothing, just watch any "as seen on TV" product.. sell by the millions.
I have always wondered though,... How did the Blowup doll actually get pitched? How did this meeting take place?
I can see a bunch of people sitting in an office like "Shark Tank" or Dragons Den and this guy comes in,.. "So Mr. Smith.. tell us your idea"
"Ok... So I am a great outdoors kind of guy... and like anyone I have trouble meeting the right person.. and then one day on a white water rafting trip it came to me... I created this!! Its a Raft with Arms... and you Fuck It!! I call it.... Samantha!!"
"Two words for you Mr. Smith... CORNER OFFICE!!"
But then in High School, I got bigger and stronger cause I hit my growth spurt..
and he got leukemia...
So I win!!
People actually come up to me in the grocery store and ask me where the junk food is. Seriously.. "Hey man, where are the Joe Louis?"
"Doesn't matter man.. I have them all!"
One of my friends is always trying to help me loose weight by asking me stupid questions.. "Hey Brad, loosing weight is not hard, you just have to watch what you eat.. like what did you have for breakfast this morning.?"
"Nice, how many bowls did you have?"
"I don't know, how many come in a box?"
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Its a phone. If you want to talk to me,.. there is a button on your phone for that purpose.. its the little green one with the damn phone on it.. press it and talk to me. Cause its a phone.
Don't get me wrong,.. I am not against texting.. me and my buddies do it all the time,.. the difference is that it is only a message. Its only one line that needs no answer what so ever.
Quick little one liners.. cause that's all it takes.
"We are at Wild Wings, you coming?"
"The chick your hitting on is dirty! End the conversation and lets go."
It should not be used to carry on a conversation, and I will tell you why..
My girlfriend went out with some of her friends for a "ladies night"... no biggy,.. I went out with my buddies.
The plan was to meet back at the house "when ever" and just go out for a good night on the town. Well,.. somewhere in there... my girlfriend got a little drunk. And she decided to tell me that,.. with her phone. I got a text message from her saying "Hwat is up? whree are you guys? I tink your a sexyy best!"
So I wrote her back, "Thanks".
Its a text message, not a conversation keeper. Its like a fast food restaurant.. In and out.
So I got another text message from her "No, tell me somehing hot. I cant wait to get you home! hWat do you want me to do to yu?" Dirty talking, great fun,,..... dirty texting,.. remorse will set in, at some point she will bring this shit up again when you least expect it.
So I wrote her back "Stop texting me."
"Take me whree? I want to blow you!" is what I got back.
Ok, so I am thinking, I want to get on with my evening, and shut her up, so I need to write something that will allow me to do both. Now my phone was equipped with this "Txt word" option where it figures out your word that you typing and you select the right one that matches. You know what I am talking about? right?
So what I wrote her back was "I want to lick your pussy, would you like that?",... was what I thought I wrote...... What I ended up writing, thanks to this TxT word was "I want to kick your puppy, would you like that?".
So the next message did not make sense to me. I opened my phone and read 'Why don't you like cuddles"Cuddles was her dog.I went to bed alone, sexless, ........... and never lived down the fact she thought I wanted to kick her dog.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
And anyone else have that weird experience that was raised by the single mother, have you ever had that weird experience when you were a kid,... and you wake up late at night to go to the bathroom,.... and in the hallway,... out side your mom's bedroom,... you encounter "that guy" you have never seen before?
You know what I mean? You kind of keep your head down cause you are afraid to make eye contact, your not really sure what to say anyway even if your eyes do connect, right.. you get a little older, and you realize... you know what's 100 times more awkward than that?
Yeah, being "that guy". Cause there is still nothing to say.
No I am not your "new daddy" and how do you get out of this trailer park anyway?
Thursday, April 2, 2009
OK, you people ain't buying it, but those bitches on Lavalife eat this shit UP! OMG! So gullible!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
They did not do you any favors by buying you a car, they did you an injustice. You need to earn things like that by working hard for it. Not just having it fall into your lap cause your parents think your a "good person" and deserve a break.
If you have a son, you treat him like shit. Cause the world is rough, and its your duty to prepare him for the outside world.
My dad treated me like crap. He would take us to the movies, buy popcorn for my sister, and nothing for me.
"Can I have some?"
"I don't know,.. you have money?"
"Well,.. get a job, then you can buy your own."
But if you have a daughter,... and I have seen this with my own eyes,.. spoil her.
Give her the world. Spoil the hell out of that little girl. And I will tell you why... all you dad's out there that want to get back at her boyfriend in the future... that is the way to do it.
When he shows up and starts whining "She wont take anything I try to give her, she's hard to shop for, I can't afford her, and I don't even think I make her happy..."
"That's right you little prick,....I did that on purpose. So why don't you just get the hell out of her life... or work a little harder!"
Atleast if you have a shitty job, it may not be a career, but its playing the part.
Interviewing for a shitty job,.. different story, cause you have to sell yourself to be the best person posible, even though,.. we all know there are people better qualified for the position.
Plain and simple,... job interviews SUCK!! It turns into question period for 15 minutes.. and all you want to do is hit the door, stop off at the smut shop and pick up a new flick, grab Mcdonalds on the way home, and lay around on the couch.... Am I sharing too much??
My favorite questions....
So,... What can you tell me about yourself?
ummm.. I have a case of pink eye, and my foot is asleep.....oh, and I have matching silverware for the plate in my head.
Do you have any hobbies?
I like to collect lotion, and playboy magazines.
What can you bring to this company?
Headlice..... and the occational case of VD.
Ok,.. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Back in rehab baby!! Woo! When can I start!!
We are at an Italian restaurant last night, we will call it "Westside Luigis", and this couple come in.. she is dressed nicely,.. presentable.. no big deal.
Her boyfriend,.. totally different story... he has on a pair of jeans.. and a black t-shirt... but not just any black t-shirt.. this one had writing on it that you could read from across the room... big white bold letters "I Fuck on the FIRST DATE!"
Ahhh,.. that's awesome. The only thing more classy than this shirt is the black "Tuxedo t-shirt"
How do you leave the house wearing this? ON A DATE!!
Then I am thinking,.. What if this is their first date? How does this chick STILL GO OUT WITH THE GUY!
Maybe she is blind? but then I see her looking at the menu,.. so that's out the window.
Maybe she is just a slut, and this is a way for the guy to have his own inside joke. *no pun intended*
The part that made this entire scene funny to me was,.. the shirt was tucked in. This was his way of solving his casual attire and taking it to another level. How does this guy choose what to wear on a date? Heads the Fuck shirt,... Tails... just a plain white "wife beater".
I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall, of his trailer,... when he walks up to the closet, pulls the folding door to the side and just starts picking thru his shirts.
"No fat chicks" ..... nah,.. this is more like a Saturday night shirt.
"Who farted?".... more like a Church shirt really.
"At least your reading my shirt instead of looking at my huge erection".. not planning on going to a strip club later.. Think I will go with the "I FUCK ON THE FIRST DATE!"
You sir,.. are my hero....
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Then she got pregnant,.. and the sex came a little less frequently. Which from what I understand is totally normal. However, not only would she not let me touch her,... she interrupted me touching myself.. and now that my daughter is 2, our sex lives are pretty much non existent.
Its not like we don't still have sex,.. we just don't have it with each other.... the nice thing is that she still refers to my penis with her little sexy pet name.. says it all the time.. she calls it "That thing".
You know,.. as in "Get that THING away from me!"
ahhh the love.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Last week, Wednesday night, not really alot happening in our lives, so we went to the movies. It was for the late show, and you know what... not really alot of people in the movies on a hump day at 10pm.
The theater was EMPTY except for us. 10,000 seats, and there was just two of us. I just walk up to where I wanted to sit, did not ask where he wanted to sit, cause honestly,... I didn't care where he sat.
He sat down beside the seat next to me, so now there was a "buffer" seat. I just wanted to turn to him and say "Bro, I know were not gay. We have been friends for years,.... I have a kid,... I am pretty sure that any sexual tension would have surfaced by now" you know what I am sayin?
Seriously, who goes to the movies on a Wednesday night? a bunch of stoned high school students, who cares what they think right? FYI we went to see Pineapple Express.
I think what he did kind of defeated the purpose.. cause nothing looks gayer than "the Buffer". Cause now you just look like a couple of guys stuck in a closet afraid to come out.
But then if you speak of the situation your now stuck in, nothing would look gayer than that. Two guys sitting together but separate in a movie theater ARGUING ABOUT THE BUFFER.
All I am sayin is if your two guys, you go to a movie, and you are the only two in the movie theater........ make your friend choose where he is sitting, then sit four rows up or down from him and pretend you dont know each other.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
I understand that there is one part of retail that everyone tries to exceed at, and that is customer service... but honestly,.. this is one retail store that can let that part go. Cause when I am in "perv" mode,.. I don't need someone coming up to me every few minutes asking me if "I am finding everything ok?"
Especially if its a woman working in there,.. cause having her come bouncing up to me asking me if I "need help finding anything" is not an issue,.. unless of course I am holding a mag in my hand that is titled "Hot Granny Porn", then its a little awkward.
Then you have the overly friendly guy that is about three days away from death that comes sneaking up on you, how I am not sure,.. most of the time I can hear the squeaky wheel on the oxygen tank being pulled behind him, but not in the porn store... must be some special type of carpet.
You can be standing there, just looking around, and he pops up like he was transported there from "The Enterprise"..... (my only star trek reference)... minding my own business and he's all "Hey how you doing?"
Whoa! Shit man,.. back off, little personal space if you don't mind... and don't talk to me,.. if I was doing better, I would not be HERE right now,.. OK!"
Friday, March 13, 2009
I sent out 82 invites... and have the following results.
4 confirmed that they will be there, one of which is me.
11 maybe's... so its 50/50 for them to show.
53 no's. Really,.. over HALF! really gives you a great confident boost when you get rejected by your friends.
I get more confirmations on Lavalife for a posted event... and I dont even KNOW those people, and my clothes stay on when I am on stage!! Unless the show goes really really wrong.
Monday, March 9, 2009
I don't understand hair in general.. I mean, yeah I understand it grows from within the skin, and it is different with everyone,.. I get that ok.
What I understand.. is this... Why do I get the hair on my head cut every two weeks like clock work.... cause if I didn't then I would look like a hippy in a few weeks. The hair on my face.. very similar... have to shave every day.. or I look like a wolf man.
What I don't understand is this... how come the hair on my back, legs and crotch knows when to stop growing? It is all the same hair.. the DNA is all the same...
I should be tucking my Pubes into my SOCKS by now.. you would think!!
And these people that are going for "Laser hair removal".... one word for you. MORON!
Remember, in the mid 90's... no one thought bell bottoms would be coming back,.. then all of a sudden, BANG!! they are back in style.
Laser hair removal is PERMANENT! You cant get it back unless you do HAIR PLUGS!,.. or that hair in a can spray paint!
What happens when that 70's bush comes back into style.. YOUR FUCKED!!
My fiancee is after me to have it done to my back.. cause it "bothers her in bed".
We had a big fight about it and everything. She wanted to "Nair" my back.. you know what that stuff is?? It "burns the hair off at the skin, for smooth results without nicks, cuts or bumps".
I was like, there is NO WAY I am doing that to my back..
and she got all pissed off.. "Why not.. It could be better for us in bed.. you don't know. I take care of myself 'down there' for you.. and you like it.. so why don't you want to do this for me?"
I was like, "Your right honey,... so I tell you what,... you figure out a way to make me cum by licking my back, and I will laser it off!"
Until then... you get WOLF MAN!!
Friday, February 27, 2009
Or,.. where someone will see you doing something, but they only see you doing Part of it,.. and they jump to conclusions?
Get this,.. I had a girlfriend one time, accuse me,.. of masturbating in my sleep.... What?
I was like "I was not sleeping!!! I was only masturbating!!!! You sick-o! I thought YOU were sleeping though!"
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Some of the foods I like,.. however,.. don't seem to like me back. They give me heartburn. So I went to the doctors office to see if there was something they could give me. All kinds of medications out there,.. there must be something to fix this.
After I told the doctor what was going on,.. he said he would be right back. I figured he went to get me a prescription,.. yeah, I was way off.
What he went and got was a piece of paper.... and he handed it to me.
Know what was on it? A list of things that give me heartburn.
I am sitting there looking this over, and I turned to him and said "Uh, Doc,.. I,.. I already know this. I know how to get it! I need something to take it away."
So then he asked me a small list of questions.. and you would think that by looking at me he could figure out the answers already.
#1 - Do you eat fried or fatty foods?
Gee,... do ya think??
#2 - Do you eat large meals?
You mean like breakfast, lunch and dinner?
#3 - Do you eat within 2-3 hours before going to bed?
Well, lets see, are you talking about the large meals,.. or just snacking in general? cause I have a small refrigerator beside my bed "in case of an emergency",... and there are emergencies every night.
#4 - Do you wear tight fitting clothing?
Yeah, I work as "Disco Dave" down at the 'All Male review' pealing it off for the ladies every Thursday night so they can hit me with dollar coins all night long! Cause everyone wants to see this naked!!
So then he turned to me, pulled his glasses off, and said "You know Brad,... you should probably drop a couple of pounds,.."
Only your doctor can kindly give you the adulation you need while insulting your very being at the same time.
"So, in closing Brad, you should loose some weight,.... and those congenital growths are looking really weird. Have a great day!"
"Alright Doc,... I am SO looking forward to when we can get together again. Thanks for the confidence boost! Steer Clear of the hideous beast that is ME!"
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
But when I was in high school.. I was on the wrestling team..... wait, it gets better..... I also had a PERFECT record!! I was 48 - 0!!
But you would be surprised what happens when you come out ready for a match wearing the head gear with a pink "singlet" on........... and an erection.
It was hard growing up a fat kid.. cause you miss out on some of those life experiences..... like... I never learned how to swim when I was a kid...... cause I never made it 30 minutes past a meal.
A friend of mine told me once "Brad, you should really not wear a stripped shirt like that... it makes you look fat."
Really,.. I don't think so. The shirt does not make me look fat... the Fried chicken and a 6 pack of beer every day makes me look fat. The shirt is just PROTECTING you from the fat, so I think you should be thankful I have it on.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
The trainer that they set me up with was a female, and one of the exercises that she showed me was called "peck-flies". That is where you lay on your back on a bench with a dumbbell in each hand and do a cross over hugging motion.
Now she is leaning over me and spotting me, which is not a good position for her cause her breasts are now only three inches away from my face. And let me tell you,.. her breasts were so out of proportion with her body,... that they were just... BEAUTIFUL!
She's like "Ok, now you need to concentrate." Really,.. how the hell am I supposed to concentrate with your titties in my face lady?
I had an urge for milk and cookies all of a sudden.
"Got milk?" Almost!
So I am doing these, and she is counting down the numbers and in between the numbers she said "That's it,.... visualize the muscle growing.. 8...7...6.."
What the hell are you talking about... 'Visualize it?'
I am surprised you can't fucking SEE IT!
But I was "exposed" to a part of culture that I had forgot about... The Canadian Ballet. For those of you that don't know what I am talking about... I am referring to Strip Clubs.
I found something out when I was there,.. see the first four strippers that came out,... and they all had that "area down there" pierced.
WOW! I could not believe it... I figured that the Canadian Government must have been "tagging" the strippers...... to study their migratory patterns.
Hit them with the dart gun, bend them over, tag them, and the release them back into their natural habitat so they can dance again and not even realize anything was touched. Like a fucked up French version of "Mutual of Ontario's Desolate Commonwealth".
I ask someone a question and they just stand there with this blank look on their face. I mean, come on, don't just stare at me, at least respond. Acknowledge the fact I said something. Seriously, all I can think is "Screw you, I know you heard me!"
If you don't like what I am saying, or don't agree with me, at least acknowledge the fact I AM TALKING!! Especially if it is just the two of us.
It is such an awkward situation to be in, you know what I am sayin,... I speak, you don't say anything... I may as well be standing there with my dick in my hand... Come On!!
Just answer my fucking question.... "Does my dick look weird to you?!?"
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Hasn't happened to me in a while, but life goes on. I kind of feel the service industry is getting a little rude.
See, I went into the grocery store by my house, the Metro, and all I wanted was to get a cake. Now I understand times are getting tough. There is nothing out in the glassed in cake area, like there is nothing on display. So as I approach the girl behind the counter she turns to me and says "I just put everything away cause I close in two hours. You have a problem with that?"
Nope, not at all.... I was just wondering what kind of cake you had.
"Well, why don't you tell me what kind of cake you WANT, and I will tell you if we have it."
Ok, we can go that route... "I was looking for a cake that's not a Bitch."
This morning, we went out to breakfast... all I ordered was Eggs and toast.. not a big order right. On the table was a little plate full of jelly and jam. So when the waiter came to the table, I asked him "Do you know what the difference is between Jelly and Jam?"
His reply,... "Well sir,... I cant exactly 'jelly' my dick down your throat."
I thought that was rude. Turns out he could... ended up being a bigger breakfast than I anticipated.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
And I said "Actually yes. I have been with this company for a while, but I think the reason my rates are high,... is because I plowed into a school yard full of kids shortly after I left a wine tasting. What can you do for me?"
Then he was like "I am sorry, ............I think I dialed the wrong number!"
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
But you know what I have noticed,... some people at Karaoke take this WAY too seriously. And you know who they are when they grab that microphone,.. cause they have that same look on their face like "This is my chance!"
And there is only one kind of person worse than this person, and that is.......... the husband and wife combo team! You know who I am talking about,.. they have the matching Karaoke jump suits on,... and they have been singing the same song every Tuesday night for the last 14 years.
Its always "Love Shack" or "Celebration", "Islands in a Stream", "Summer Nights" or some other piece of garbage.
The last time I went, there was this couple that was singing "Love lift us up where we belong", and every time they got to the chorus,.. they would hold hands and raise them above their heads as if they were asking God himself to Lift them up. She was like five eleven, and was about four feet three,.. no one could have lifted her, ok.
I could just see God up there saying "Mmmmmmm NO! You two don't belong up here,....you two belong down at the Legion on 'Two-fer night! Now scram!"
Saturday, February 14, 2009
I wanted to do something nice for my girlfriend so I decided to take her shopping, right, I figured "That seems like a chick-magnet thing to do, let's take her shopping."
Know what she did? She called herself horrible things All Day!
We're shopping and all I hear from her is "I'm Fat! This shirt makes me look bloated! I'm Fat! My feet have kankles! Looks like I have two chicken cutlets right here! I'm fat! My ass is huge! "
Its like she is trying to brain wash me, not only do I have to listen to this shit, but now I am thinking "Man, I have a fat girlfriend"
And don't get me wrong, my girlfriend is not fat, ok.....but when you hear that 94 times in a minute you start thinking "Jesus would someone tell this fat bitch to shut up! Hey, don't cry,... you look fat when you cry."
You ladies are beautiful, don't let us in on that, ok.... cause all we see is your Bah-wa-wa-wa (ass) and Bah-wa-wa-wa (Boobs). I mean,... my girlfriend and I have been together for like a year, and I did not even know she HAD a face, you know.
I had an argument once, and honestly I don't know how it started... but do we ever? I can, however, tell you how it ended.
My girlfriend and I were really going at it,....... arguing, and she said, "Is that all I am to you? Are you just in this relationship for the SEX!! Is that the only reason your WITH ME!"
And I was like "No, sex is not the only reason I am with you,.. and to put it in perspective for you,... the bathroom is not the only reason I bought my house,.. but I would be pissed if you took it away!!"
Think about it. If I bought a house, and like say, 9 months later someone comes and rips the toilet out of the bathroom, and only lets you use it once a month and even then it really isn't that good, I would be upset.
I would probably go looking for other toilets. Maybe even try out several at one time. I have a white toilet, but maybe a brown one would be more comfortable... I hear they make them in all shades,.. but I really don't know much about that. Maybe really push the envelope, and get two toilets that look the same but are not related cause that's kind of creepy, you know.. or even an older toilet cause I have always thought that would be cool.
Are you still thinking about toilets??
Thursday, February 12, 2009
I think everyone has been dumped at one point in their lives right. That can be hard to get over. You cant stop thinking about them, every time you go somewhere, you see someone that looks like them. Right.
I was dumped once, could not get over her. I could not stop thinking about her. When you get dumped, you cant stop thinking about people.
My friend gave me the best piece of advice, he came over and he said "You know what your problem is dude, you got too much shit laying around reminding you of her.You get rid of all this stuff, and I am telling you,... you will feel much better."
So I tried that,... I was laying in bed, and the pillows smelled like her,.. so I stabbed them. Cut them up into little itty bitty pieces. And he was right,.. I felt a little better. So then I went around the house and collected all the pictures I had of her, and ripped them up into little shreds and set them on fire on the coffee table, and Pee'd on them. Wow, it was like this huge relief off my shoulders.
And then,.... I got the hell out of her apartment, cause her place was bringing me down. There was so much bad energy in that room, and now I feel much better.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
They are called a "Hybrid" but to me,.... they just look "Inbred".
You go try to put gas in on of those things and the damn hose goes limp in your hand. Then you have to rub it on the headlights,.. tap it a few times on the gas hole...asking yourself questions like "why does this keep happening to me?", then whispering to your car "its not you,.. its me...."
Which brings me to another point.. I honestly don't care if our oceans ARE contaminated with oil,.. that's what we cook fish in anyway. They are not dying,.. they are just marinating.. cut a hole in a lemon tanker, your half way there to eating anyway. Just trying to be proactive, you know what I'm sayin.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
I rode on a bus in down town Toronto,.. and there were two guys talking on their cell phones. So I just pretended they were talking to each other. It was a really interesting conversation.
The first guy was trying to figure out how to cook a meat loaf so he was asking questions like "So how long do I put it in for?"
and the guy sitting next to him was talking about some tramp he had sex with the night before and he was giving statements like "All night long!!"
Then I realized that the crazy guy sitting next to me was doing the same thing I was doing, but he just started flipping out.. cause he started yelling "That is NOT how you cook a MEATLOAF!! It will BURN! Someone tell that guy,.. it will burn!!"
But the conversation just kept going, cause the one guy was saying "So what did you do to her?"
and the other guy was like "put a butter glaze on it" and that is when I flipped out and started yelling "Don't do that, you will get an infection on your meatloaf!!'
Saturday, January 31, 2009
I think, if I was to quit a job now, I would have to do it to where I knew that I would be remembered.
Go down swinging, and know that a year from now, they would still hear the echos of my name in the hall ways.. but how,... what could I do...
Then I figured it out,.. just before lunch time,.. I would go around to the people I did not like,.. and ask them if they wanted to go in on a Pizza. Collect the money,... and just leave to "pick it up" and not go back.
About 3:30 you know someone would be like "I don't think he is coming back!! I am STARVIN! I am NEVER ordering out with people again!"
But what if I get called into the office.. everyone knows when they are about to get shitcanned... so that is the day I take the pocket full of glitter with me.
My boss would be like "So Brad,... we have come to a decision.. and we have had to make some cuts,.. unfortunately your one of them..."
Then BANG! face full of glitter... good luck getting that shit out! he goes home to the wife and kids,.. "Where you been honey?"
Oh I was at work... fired someone today.
"Was her name Mercedes? or Lexis? You promised Ed... No more strip clubs!"
always stay away from the one with the glitter..
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Not like "Whats the third chemical from the left on the Scientific Periodic table?"... cause that is something I can google and find out...
More like "Where are my keys! Have you seen my keys!"
So I thought I fixed it for her,.. made it simple... right. Simple thing for a simple person, should be a simple fix.
One word: Wrong!
She came home on Monday and I told her "Look, I have a solution for you and your keys. OK,.. See this right here.. its a cute little bowl I picked up for you,.. and it says 'KEYS' right on the side of it.. so your KEYS,.. go in the KEY BOWL.. see that... Keys.... in the KEY BOWL...
When you come home from work, and you open the door,.. your KEYS,.. get put in the KEY BOWL.. simple right?"
I come home yesterday... first words out of her mouth....
"Have you seen the key bowl?"
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
That's how huge the Internet has become. Case in point, the other day, I wanted to type in "Google" to look something up,.. and my finger slipped, and instead I accidentally typed in "blowjobs"... OMG!!
I was up for three hours trying to find "Google"..... with my pants off.
The worst part is, .... they actually kicked me out of that particular Starbucks... which is bullshit, cause I bought a coffee AND a muffin!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Its as easy as one two three. just look for your name.
1. If your name is on the building you work in,.. Your rich. Case in point Barns and Noble... they are both rich.
2. If your name is on the desk that you work at,... your middle class.
3. If your name is on your shirt (sewn or button) your friggin' poor!!
If you need to say something to the affect of "Hi! Welcome to ____________, how may I help you",... no one needs to point this out to you,.. but your skipping some payments on your visa, know what I'm sayin?!?
and lastly,.. if there is a number on your shirt,.. your a convict.
I was there for about 5 minutes before I became numb to all the boobs in the room, not to mention the strippers on the stage.. and I started trying to peek down the waitresses shirt when she brought me my drink,.. cause after all, hers were covered.
So these three ladies of dance came out on stage and the Dj announced them coming out "Alri-i-i-i-ght.. here they come,.. give it up for PORCHE, MERCEDES, and LEXIS!!" Man,.. I was taken back,.. so eventually thru the 39th minute of the Nine Inch Nails song "Closer" they jiggled their way over to me.
And I did what ever guy does,.. I struck up a conversation with them. I motioned for them to come over to me,.. money in hand,.. and like sharks around a chum drag,.. they raced over.
So I asked them "Did your mom's really name you all after cars? Cause that is one heck of a coincidence."
Mercedes was the speaker for them,.. and she gave me the old "Pfffft! Really? Our mom's did not name us that,... We named us that!"
"Really?" Why would you name yourselves that?"
"Cause,.. its what we WANT!"
and it got me thinking... instead of naming themselves after something they want, .... would it not have been better to name yourself after something you NEED??
Can you imagine going to a stri..... gentleman's club and hearing this.... "Ladies and gentlemen,.. here they come.... On the eighth day,.. God created..... Ed-u-cation,..... Pen-icillin,.. and Self-Re-spect!! Here they come!!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
I have a college degree, and she has her masters, so honestly I just take her word for it cause it just seems to make sense. So now she just lies to me. The other day I was sitting on the couch with her and I turned to her and was like "Hey,.. how about a blow job?", and she said "No, you will get the flu."
"What? How does that make any sense?"
So she told me "See, I knew you would not understand. Your going to get all wet down there, catch a draft, and then catch the flu."
Made sense right,.. I was thanking her, "Holy cow, I never would have thought of that, you right. I don't want the flu, thanks."
So yesterday, I went and got my flu shot, and recommend you all do the same.
Friday, January 23, 2009
They are NEW!
You should never let the skinny 18 year old summer chick make your blizzard, cause they have no idea how much candy you want.
Now that bitter 39 year old assistant manager with the star wars pin.... she fucking KNOWS!
And to top it off, she will be playing the old "one for me, one for you" game when she's making it.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Just once, I would like to slip some truth serum into that guys glass, cause all they do is tell lies.
"Here she comes, lets give her a big round of applause... on the eight day,... God created LEXIS! Here she comes!"
After the truth serum.. I think we all know they will be speaking to a different story.
"Here she comes people...... She's a single mother of three...... living in the back of a 1996 Hyundai... and is currently on Valtrex and allergic to "the pill"..... ladies and gentlemen give it up for...... RUTH!"
It does not stop growing... its like Richard Simmons,.. or the energizer bunny. I believe the theme song to the hair on my head is "Can't stop, wont stop".
And I have figured out the hair on my head is related to the hair in my ears... cause its the same way. Some people reading this knows what I am talking about.
So here is the part that throws me for a loop. Shouldn't my pubic hair be tucked into my fucking socks by now?
Friday, January 9, 2009
Well with all that eating, and drinking,... you put on a few pounds.. and this year, I think I have hit that point in my life that everyone gets too. and they realize,.. Shit, I have to stop eating,.. cause I am getting fat.
And it pisses me off. I almost don't even want to have sex, so I can spare someone the site of having to look at my naked body. I don't even want to look at my naked body.
I get all nude to take a shower, and I see my reflection, all I want to do is punch my reflection in the face! Ask him "Why do you look like that!! Start working out!!"
Every year its a little more, but this year... WHOA! Now I don't know that women get the same thing that men get when they get fat(ter). But this year, after the holidays, I was so shocked,.. and so angry with myself, I just wanted to punch myself in my fat upper dick area!!
Its like a hairy fanny pack you get there!! Right up front, overshadowing the painfully average size penis, just what every guy needs.
Something there to make it look smaller, a nice little squirrel skinned fanny pack, all filled with disappointment, self loathing, and failure.
That is one thing that will not help you get laid... a fat upper dick area.. that and Rock band 2.. neither will get you laid.
But there is an up side... it matches the hair on my back. And that is important in this day in age, cause everyone needs to match.
I was in walmart just after christmas, and my most favorite thing in walmart is the announcements.. cause you never know what you will hear.
I am still waiting to hear one that tops my all time favnorite.. it was in Cullman, Alabama. I was standing in line, waiting with the rest of the herd to pay for my stuff.. and I heard the following.
"Good afternoon Walmart shoppers, if you are parked in the southern part of the parking lot, could you please move your vehicle, because we need to get our parking lot re-tard. Thank you."
All I could think was... WTF?!? I have not seen some lazy eye'd guy walking around here in a my little pony t-shirt smelling like PB&J,.. but I will be sure to keep an eye out for him from now on.
- ► 2010 (34)
- ▼ November (3)
- ► April (6)
- ► March (5)
- Simple Mis-understanding
- Whats wrong with me.
- Growing up a "fat" kid
- Getting help at the Gym
- Canadian Ballet
- Getting no answers
- Customer Service
- Telemarketer fun
- Douche bag + douche bag = Karaoke fun!!
- My only advice for women
- Guys cant argue
- Getting over your ex
- Thinking about the Enviroment
- Just realized today,.. I love public Transportatio...
- Ever quit your job?
- My Fiancee does it again!!
- The internet has become TOO BIG!!
- I figured it out.. all you need to do is look for ...
- Just where do strippers get their names anyway?
- My wife lies to me
- Fast Food Servers
- Strip club DJ's and the lies they tell
- Seriously, I don't know why, do you??
- Its the same thing after every christmas
- Walmart announcements