I am a comic that thinks outside the box.. after everything is gone from inside it. I was born without that filter that keeps certain thoughts inside, and most times, it pops out at the worst moments.. its going to happen, so best be prepared for whatever is about to come out.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Halloween is tough for some people

I only found this out, in Ontario, if your a registered sex offender, you are not allowed to open your door to trick or treaters. Which is a good law,.. but it got me thinking.

Your not enough of a "social outcast" in the neighborhood already,.. now your the dick that doesn't give out candy.

Isn't Halloween just "entrapment" for registered sex offenders?

Here is this person just rocking himself sane, in his darkened house, when all of a sudden there is a knock at the door and when he opens it there are five power rangers lined up before him?

"Hey, Children of Canada, don't ever take candy from strangers.... OH! That is.. unless it is Night. You walk to their house. And you are in Costume!!" Then its a fabulous idea!!

Hello,.. I represent Mixed Messages!!

Halloween "Scary House"

Want to be remembered on your street for having the best scary house at halloween.. this is what you do.

First, go out and get the best candy, not the shitty candy corn or the tootsie rolls.. but the good stuff, Chips, big chocolate bars, you know what I am talking about.

Then, when the door bell rings, you go to the door, and wait for a total of about 10 kids to get there.. open the door, and tell them "You want this big bowl of candy,.. all you have to do is make it thru the "Scary house".. and let them wonder into your home...

In one corner, have a cage with a kid trapped in it already and when some kid first notices that there is someone in the cage, thats when the kid in the cage yells "ITS A TRAP!! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!! THERE IS NO CANDY!!"

You will never be forgotten.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Free Therapy

I just recently learned this,.. and am so happy that I did, cause it is saving me TONS of cash.

I didn't know that when a telemarketer calls you, they are not allowed to hang up on you.

Swear to god, they are not ALLOWED to hang up on you.. you know what that means?? You can just talk, about anything, and they are stuck there.

I don't even pay for therapy anymore. All I ever needed was a willing ear, which just so happens to be what they are looking for too.

Its a win win if you ask me.

I'm like "You called me,.. Lets go!"

Don't get me wrong, they will try to steer you back to the magazine subscriptions.. But I keep them on track!

"Whats that? You have issues? Ohhh honey,..I have issues....."

All I want to do is keep them on the phone as long as possible, cause if I am on the phone with them, that means my creditors can't get thru!

The guy from Bell called me the other day, and he was telling me about "The most HD channels than any other company, and with this particular package, you get over 200 channels!"

I was like "Really,...... Name them? Slowly,.. I am writing these down."

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Nature Shows...

I love watching nature shows... you can really learn alot from them.
There was one on Blue Whales,.. very interesting.. I did not know this, the Blue Whale mates for life.
Did not know that.
I also did not know this.. that when the male Blue Whale ejaculates, it ejaculates 400 gallons of semen... on average.

400 gallons.... However, only ten percent makes it into its mate... So if your wondering why the ocean is salty....

Also, did not know this.. for woman's facial cosmetics.... 80% of all facial cosmetics contain as little as "trace" whale semen in them...

I think that is a bit of a double standard.. cause when I ask women to put MY semen on their face,... I get told no!

I also saw one on Sea Turtles.. this was so cool... they said that when Sea Turtles mate, they mate underwater, but they still breath air... the female has to come up for air, cause if not, the male will forget and drown.

I don't know about you, but all I can think is,.. Now THAT is some good pussy right there!
I might not always hear the phone ring, but I never forget to BREATHE!!!

Monday, October 25, 2010

My Daughter

I absolutely love my daughter, and as a parent, I can honestly say I would not trade her for any other kid... Some parents cant say that,.. and I know who you are.. I have seen your ugly little goblin running through the grocery store sticking his talons into all the free samples they give out.. knocking shit off the shelves,....I see it coming at me.. all I can think is yell "Get the hell back in your cage!"

You know who you are that have the little ugly bastard kid!

Has the little tuft of hair, slurs his words, like Sloth from "The Goonies".

Keep feeding him Baby Ruths, go rent Goonies, and you will see what he will look like when he is 14!!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Groups of Women at the bar...

I watch people when I go out.. more so groups of people than just a random single person.. cause that's called stalking.. and illegal in most areas.

I tend to watch groups, and one thing I have learned about watching groups is this... women.. if your out with your friends,.. be it a bar, Starbucks, the movies.. where ever.. there is one of you in the group that is a cock blocker.

Think about your group of friends.. some of you know of her right off the bat!! "Oh its that fucking Samantha!! That cock blocking bitch! If she's not getting laid NO ONE IS GATTING LAID!!!"

And if you think of your group of friends, and are thinking "hmmmm... you know what, there isn't one in my group! You don't know what your talking about!!"

Guess what..... Its YOU!!

I know what my job is when I go out with my friends.. I play the part of a wing man!! And god damnit, I am a good one.. I will do what I have to do, especially if that chick my buddy is trying to pick up happens to be a 9+ on the "woman" scale!! Right fellas?

I will give him the keys to my car,.. pick up the tab if he is short on cash, talk him up to help him seal the deal.. What ever it takes!! ,,,, maybe jump on the "ugly" grenade..

Don't boo me!! Fuck you,..I know my roll... and most of the time.. I can see hers!! ok.

Lets face it though.. some times.. there are some grenades you just cant jump on. You can look at it and all you can think is ... "Shit, sorry man,.. we are not all going to make it out of here alive!"

You know the one I am talking about right.. Your hitting it off well with someone at a bar, and your this close to getting her out of there and on your way to anywhere to do what ever. Then this chicky just drops from the sky like a phantom "Whoosh!"

"Jennifer,.. whats going on here.. what are you doing... what.. no... no, you came here with us, your leaving with us.. ok.. here, lets go to the bathroom and talk...."
Your standing there like "Who the hell are you?"
"Who am I? I am the cock blocker ok, you just mind your own business!

You know the one I mean, has both eyes on the same side of her head... walks with a limp cause she has gout with a club foot.. and not the dance club kind!! I am just saying,... she looks like an overgrown gremlin... "Why is she ordering water... if she spills it on herself, more will pop out of her back!!"

Saturday, October 16, 2010

I LOVE youtube!!

I just saw a video this morning on youtube that was utterly AWESOME!!!

If you have not seen this, you need to go home and check this out within one minute of getting in the door.

Youtube "Nickleback booed off stage".. its in Portugal!! Seeing this, gives me a new respect for the Portuguese..and their hatred.. cause they thru rocks at Nickleback. You know whats even better about this... it was an indoor venue!

AWESOME..I hate nickleback, about as much as I hate Creed.. remember that shitty band? Me either!

Lets break down what had to happen... They bought tickets...... picked up rocks and snuck them in.... waited thru an opening act.... Do you know how bad that band had to be?? You know some people were on the edge about to waste their ammo, when someone kept them in focus of the task at hand.. WAIT WE HAVE BIGGER FISH!!

Nickleback comes out and gets thru one song, and as they are firing it up for the second.. it starts raining rocks, he asked the crowd if they wanted to rock and he got ROCKED in the SKULL!!


I want to know one thing.....when is Justin Bieber going.. cause I am going to that concert armed with a rock and I am going to end it...... I am going to save the children... from the child!

Friday, October 15, 2010

Why I hate McDonalds

I am tired of all the lies coming from the commercials from McDonalds.

Everyone has seen these.. and they end the commercials with the same slogan right.. "I'm lovin' it!"

I don't know anyone loving McDonalds at the times they film these ads.. and they are full of lies... everyone is sober, after 2am, eating their fourth meal. What?
"Hey are you awake?"
"SWEET! 4th meal... High Five!"


Everyone is using consonants and talking normally...that ad should sound like this. Two guys pissing on a dumpster
"Hey man, we shouldotally get McOnalds!"
"Fuck you! I will totally shove a my Big Mac up your ASS! Yeah I want McDondalds!"
"Man, i so could,..just fries, and a drink, zzzzzzz.. HA HA HA! WHOO!! I could fuck McDonalds right now! I am LOVIN' THIS!"

How do you know when she is mad?

I had a girlfriend once that would not tell me when she was mad,.. she would make me guess.

I know what she was doing... she was setting me up!

Guessing is confessing!!

She would always give me some kind of signal..the one that pushed us over the edge... I remember like it was yesterday.

She made me a sandwich... nice right..... yup... with the two end pieces of bread.

The messed up part... it was not even the last two pieces of bread!

She had to reach all the way to the back of the bag,...inside the loaf,.. to get the other end piece.

I didn't even notice... she tricked me, cause she made the sandwich inside out.

She put mayonnaise on the BROWN SIDE!!! I should have known when I took my first bite.. I was thinking "man.. this tastes extra crusty!"

She handed it to me,.. I saw crumbs on her forearm... and all I could think was,.. she ate an entire bag of chips and put none on this plate with the sandwich.. "Hey, are you mad at me?"

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

How can you tell when women are into you?

I wish I could figure out how to tell when women were into me.. cause I dont have that filter.
I suck at knowing when women are into me,... I never catch the hints.

It would be so much easier if you all had stop lights implanted into the middle of your foreheads.

Follow me on this... I see two women standing at the end of the bar,.. I kinda dig the one on the left, she is doing that thing with her tongue, you know what I am talking about..

So I start walking down there towards her, she sees me coming.. BANG! Red Light. I know to stop.

Maybe her friend is into me though.. POW! Arrow!

What a time saver.. Guys... you go out with your friends, head down town, pop into a bar, open the door, "Oh shit guys.. we gotta go!! Nothing but red lights in here, fucking traffic jam!"

Ladies, this works for you too.. your sending signals down to that cute guy at the end of the bar, right, but he is watching the football game, and misses them.

But that fat guy beside him totally see you looking that way.. probably me.. so I get my beer and start walking towards you... CAUTION, CAUTION, CAUTION, YELLOW, YELLOW, YELLOW, SLOW DOWN! SLOW DOWN! RED LIGHT! RED LIGHT! RED LIGHT!

But I keep coming.. thats when you hand me a ticket for $295 for running a red light!!

Buying a Prostitute

I read an article in the paper where a guy was arrested for buying a prostitute,.. in the morning.

I don't mean like this guy had gone out drinking until the wee hours of the morning and decided to get a prosty on the way home, ok. This guy set his alarm, got up, and drove to the shitty part of town to get one.

I have never read anything so simultaneously gross and cool all at the same time.

You know what I do before I go to work? Eat cereal.. I eat cold wet food, then grab the lunch pail and head off to work. I even hit the snooze bar for quick ten minute nap!!

Meanwhile, this jackass has the gumption to get up extra early, and his first thought is "Lets go get some pussy!"

Cool, I know.. but its gross... think about it..
Yeah he is all clean and freashly dressed right... but its the morning.. its the END OF HER SHFT!!! This perv drives into town, rolls up to one, and is all "Hello, before you go home and wash all those other men off you,... I was wondering.. do you take cheques?"

Buying a Pregnancy Test

Ladies need to learn there are some things guys cannot buy... like Pregnancy tests!!
Do you know how much these things cost?? $27.95!!

I saw that and was like "Fuck this,.. I will just wait and see if she gains weight!"

For that price you can get a pizza,.. with toppings!! I know my priorities!

The same time I am in this isle, there is a dude trying to steal one...... now I didn't know who his babies mama was,.... but I am pretty sure she will not be getting child support!

He needs priorities!! If your going to steal, steal in a way that its going to help you.. know what I mean.. he would not of been in this situration if he had stolen CONDOMS!!

WTF Ladies?!?

I was in shoppers drug mart the other day getting some deodorant, but unfortunately in my wondering the store for what I needed, I ended up in the feminine hygiene isle,.. you know, the one with all the pads, and wings, and strings!!

I was not really looking at what was written on the boxes, but two words jumped off the box that I just happened to be walking past.. it said "Heavy Flow"

These things looked like travel pillows!!

I am pretty sure I would be able to tell if someone was wearing one of these things too, cause as soon as a woman sat with one of these... it would sound like a transport truck letting the brakes out.. you know the sound... PSHHHHHHHHHHHHT!

Ladies,.. I am sorry,.. but if you have that much flow, you don't need pads.... you need STITCHES!!

My Peeps....