I am a comic that thinks outside the box.. after everything is gone from inside it. I was born without that filter that keeps certain thoughts inside, and most times, it pops out at the worst moments.. its going to happen, so best be prepared for whatever is about to come out.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Sexual Fantasies

Ever have a conversation that you have an idea on how its going to go, then all of a sudden, you realize, before I speak, I need to ask some questions.

This happened to me a while ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting on the couch with my girlfriend, and she turned to me and said "Hey, why don't you tell me one of your sexual fantasies?"

Its a good thing that we talked about this cause we could not of been further apart from one another. I was thinking that hers was going to involve a specific place, time of year, maybe some romance and feelings, probably some candles or potpourri. Ok shut it, I read Cosmo!

Mine are all about positions. I think I played this out pretty well. I got her to go first so I could see what I was dealing with.

She said "I want to be in Rome on the first day of spring, listening to the church bells going off at sunset.. blah blah blah blah blah" I kind of trailed off but you get the picture.

Then she said "ok, its your turn.. tell me one about me."

Ok, great, if you will just look at my diagram that I have illustrated poorly with stick figures.... You take your right leg.... and put it out to your side, have your other leg at a 25 degree tilt...... so that there is no problem when we start with the whip cream and pudding. Stop talking and pay attention!! This is important, this is why we need your friend Erica!

Abrupt Breakups

Ok, so I guess the good news is I am almost over my ex. Just about to turn that corner.. If you must know, we have been broken up for 379 days.
It was really sudden, almost like one day "happy" next day "happier".
You spend all this time with someone and then suddenly nothing. Its almost like you should be able to treat the situation like a job and give two weeks notice.

Something like "Ok. I just want you to know that I am putting in my two weeks notice. I will just tie up some loose ends. I will get all my things together,.. oh, and I will train the new guy."

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


I think beer commercials are pointless. Beer is so good, and people want it soooo bad, that they can pretty much put what ever they want out there to make people want their product more, that can say pretty much whatever they want. Doesn't matter, cause people will keep buying it. No gimmick needed. The gimmicks they do have are so shitty anyways, its like, really? Whats the point!

Miller Lite is "Tastes Great, less filling"... awesome, I can drink more of this, cause it wont fill me up!! Bud Lite's new one is not even a real gimmick... its a totally made up word. "Drink-ability"..... whats that even mean? "You can drink this, and hopefully live... not like windshield washer fluid.. silly Indians!"

No other companies can get away with that.... McDonalds can't be like "Buddup-bup-bup-baaaaaahhh YOU CAN EAT THIS!"

Because real companies need to put out real promises and real money back guarantees. I am pretty sure you will never hear a beer company come out with a guarantee.... but how cool would that be?
"If your not completely satisfied with your Old Milwaukee, we will bail you out of jail, get your job back and unpunch your sister in the face! Old Milwaukee... It doesn't get any better than this!"

Monday, March 14, 2011

Handycapped dick at the mall

So I was at the mall recently, and I saw this guy that was sitting coming left to right. I thought he was in a wheelchair right, and I felt a little bad for him, cause my grandfather is in a wheelchair. But then I looked at him... and he wasn't one of these "handy capable" people... he was just a morbidly obese people that feels like riding around in a scooter cause he is just that lazy!!

I don't know, maybe he has a glandular problem that only lets him eat MacDonald's in packs of combo meals.

So here is what happened.. As I was almost at the escalator, maybe a few paces from it, and I figured I would just let Mr. Lazy Bones pass me first, be polite.. and that's when this fucker just cut me off, and makes a wicked turn to get on the escalator.

There are signs that say "No Scooters Allowed". But the problem was now he is just blocking me from the escalator cause the turn was too tight, and the scooters turning radius sucks, and he didn't make it.. so now I am thinking "That's right tubby, just beep beep beep yourself out of the way, and let those that can still walk use the electric stairs". Maybe you should find the freight elevator since those doors are probably bigger and you can pull donuts in the center of it like a handy capped NASCAR event.


Cause this man stood up, out of his scooter, so I am thinking "Ok, you can walk, cool."

I just hope this guy dies from a Blue Cheese overdose!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

The one relationship that you never forget

Ever have that one relationship that just slowly keeps building and building into that one gigantic reason to break up?

The one I am referring to was probably the worst relationship I was ever in, but seemed to go on for ever, and ever and ever...

She always asked questions that made no sense.

First of all we lived together.. Just got moved in, and she turned to me and was like `We should get a HDTV, what do you think?"

I have a stigmatizm to light, and wear glasses, she has a lazy eye.. we dont even SEE in HD!!

This is the same girl that sitting on the couch turned to me and said "We should talk about our sexual fantasies!"

Okay.. you go first. I want to know what I am dealing with.
So she said "Well, sometimes I fantasize about you being more muscular"
To which I said "Sometimes I fantasize about you not being such a judgemental bitch!"

I guess I couldnt really get mad at her though.. right... she did want to talk about it. How mad can I be though, my top 20 fantasies didn't even envolve her... #6 doesnt even involve ME for crying out loud!

What ended out relationship though was our relationship in the bedroom. She used to blurt out random shit in the bedroom. Not like dirty talking, ok, just totally random conversation. The first time it happened, we were right into it right, and she just blurts out "Why dont you ever see any homeless women?"

Umm am I doing something wrong here? Really, no "ohhh right there" or "yeah yeah yeah yeah" but Homeless Women...

The last time we had sex, like I mean really, the LAST TIME we had sex.. we were right in the middle of sex... yeah about three minutes in... and she blurts out "Ohhhh you have hands like my dad!"
"Yeah.. well you have lips like your sister!"

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Valentines Day

Its that time of year again.. that time where MY favorite holiday is right around the corner... thats right, beats out Christmas, Halloween,... My Birthday, not that its on a holiday but still.

Valentines day!!

Now I know what your thinking, "Really, your FAVORITE holiday.." and my answer is YES!! YES!! OH GOD YES!!!!

The reason its my favorite holiday, is that I started a tradition with a friend of mine.. we go to Walmart the day of, and pick up a few packs of the grade school valentines that first and second graders give out, you know, that have Scooby Doo on them, or Sponge Bob Square Pants, and then,.. we head down to a strip club.

Everyone wants a valentine right, and besides, Strippers are people too.

I never thought it would work, but let me tell you... Johnny Depp could have been on the other side of the stage making it rain hundred dollar bills, would not have made a difference.

We had every stripper that hit the stage over by us...

Stippers opening cards with Scooby Doo on the outside saying "I LOVE YOU"
and shaggy on the inside all "ZOINKS!! TOO BAD YOUR DAD DIDNT!!"

Monday, January 17, 2011

Bras are getting out of hand

I think Bras are getting out of hand, or maybe is it just me.

I am not saying we should get rid of them as a whole, ok, I am just saying that its getting a little carried away with itself. Half the time you take a girls bra off, 2 inches of her boobs just went with it, like What the hell!!`
I can`t get away with doing that, I can walk in here with a 10 inch weiner down my pants.
Girls would be like `Holy crap, look at the crotch on that guy!`
Then you take me home, I pull it out, and throw it behind me.
Oh that, that's just for support. If I don't wear a 10 inch weiner down my pants, my back kills me the next day.

I really don't care about big boobs, ok, its an honesty issue. Its why I like ass.. cause ass is honest.
Cause what you see is what your going to get. At least up until recently. Cause now they have panties with ass inserts, so now you can fake an ass!
And that should be illegal!
And I will tell you this now.. I don't care how hot, and sexy you are, or how close I am to fucking you I am getting... If I pull your ass off,.. I am tapping out!!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Staying in a hotel

I was in Kingston performing a few weeks ago, and when I was done the late show, got back to the hotel, and got into bed, it was a little after 2am... I had set up the wake up call for 10, which gave me an hour or so to get up and get out.

I woke up at approx 7:26am... and I say approx because I am not sure how close to the real time the clocks are in a hotel room. It was not the wake up call I had requested from the front desk.. It was to the banging on the wall behind my head.

You see.. I woke up to the sound of two people having sex. I am not going to go into details, ok,.. but I will say, that they were very, very good. I turned on my tv to try and distract myself from what was going on behind me... but it was soo good, that I tried to listen for pointers.

When they were done, I thought I might have been pregnant.... yeah, it was off the chain, and I think there was a bit of Bible study going on, as there was alot of talking to God.

Now the awkward part happened when I was leaving my room. See it was an old style hotel,.. where you still had a REAL key.. so I am in the process of locking my door as I am leaving, and the couple came out at the same time that was having the porn rehearsal behind my head.

The only difference between my leaving my room, and them leaving theirs?? Is that there was only ONE man leaving my room.. and there was two leaving theirs.. no women..

How weird did I feel knowing I "rubbed one out" thinking of this hot couple going at it, then realizing it was not at all what I thought in my mind.
Maybe I share too much with you guys on here!!

My Peeps....