Ohhh ladies,.. we have to talk. I love you ladies, I do, I am a big fan. But every time we get together you try to change me.
Every time we are together its always "Pick this up, pick it up. This does not go here. The hamper is over there, pick it up."
No, I have a system. See everything on this side of the floor is dirty. And everything on this side of the floor is dirty,... but I am going to wear it again. You didn't see my work boots still in my jeans?!?
And what is it with women wanting men to shave their body hair. Is that what you want ladies? To sleep with a man, that is smoother than you? Then you will wonder why your getting cold at night. Shit sleep with me... you will be kicking a leg out saying "Damn its hot in there!!"
Remember your dad... did your mom try to change your dad? He never shaved his body hair. Shit he didn't even need Q-tips, cause he had keys. Men are actually getting manicures now.. seriously.. Manicures... Look, if your nails are too long, let me tell you what you do, ok.. you bite them off like every other guy out there in the world and spit them on the floor.
What ladies... you don't play by the rules. You can have an entire photo album of all the ex boyfriends that have been in your lives right there in the middle of the living room coffee table. We start looking thru it asking questions like "Who is this dork?" and you get mad at us.
"Stop it! Stop it! Give me those! Those are my memories! These men have nothing to do with you. Your so insecure, get over it."
But let her find a picture of you and another woman... not an album... ONE.
You will come home to the devil. Go walking in like "Honey I am home!" and she meets you at the door "Who is this bitch? Who is this! Don't look at her! Don't look at her! Don't touch me! Who is this whore!"
"Hey relax would you.. that was Prom!"
I am a comic that thinks outside the box.. after everything is gone from inside it. I was born without that filter that keeps certain thoughts inside, and most times, it pops out at the worst moments.. its going to happen, so best be prepared for whatever is about to come out.
