I am a comic that thinks outside the box.. after everything is gone from inside it. I was born without that filter that keeps certain thoughts inside, and most times, it pops out at the worst moments.. its going to happen, so best be prepared for whatever is about to come out.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
My dad would scare us into listening to him... "Now look!! Take care of your shit son!"
Thats hard to comprehend when your 5. I am standing there infront of him like "Umm I did.. I flushed!"
"No, you take care of your stuff, shine it up, keep it in good working condition, and put it away.. and if its not there in the morning, then its your fault its missing. Got IT!?"
Then you go to daycare and your teacher is teaching you to share.. share your things Brad... Thats what we do, this is the sharing place... ok... great... the all of a sudden my Baby Blue #21 crayon went missing out of my 64 box.. All of a sudden it turned into a scene from full metal jacket..
"THESE ARE MY CRAYONS.. THERE ARE MANY LIKE THEM BUT THESE ONES ARE MINE! THESE CRAYONS ARE MY BEST FRIEND. THEY ARE MY LIFE. WITHOUT ME MY CRAYONS ARE USELESS! WITHOUT THEM, I AM USELESS"
Brad, get off the desk!! And no recess for you.
Its ok, during nap time, two of the kids put all my crayons in a sock, and beat the shit out of me.
Hell after the first time we had sex she put a gold star on my penis.... she said it was playing well with others.
She threw me for a loop the other night.... she turned to me while we were watching TV, and said Can we talk about our sexual fantasies?"
"You go first."
"Well sometimes I fantasies about you being a little more muscular..."
"mmmm well,.. sometimes... I fantasies about you being less of a judgemental bitch."
I cant be too mad at her can I? I mean, after all, my top 20 fantasies don't even involve her.
Number 7 doesn't even involve me!
- ▼ 2010 (34)