I am a comic that thinks outside the box.. after everything is gone from inside it. I was born without that filter that keeps certain thoughts inside, and most times, it pops out at the worst moments.. its going to happen, so best be prepared for whatever is about to come out.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

One thing I have had it with....

Seriously,..... this goes out to everyone.. not gender specific,.. its a text message.. ok,.. MESSAGE!! its not a text NOVEL.

Its a phone. If you want to talk to me,.. there is a button on your phone for that purpose.. its the little green one with the damn phone on it.. press it and talk to me. Cause its a phone.

Don't get me wrong,.. I am not against texting.. me and my buddies do it all the time,.. the difference is that it is only a message. Its only one line that needs no answer what so ever.

Quick little one liners.. cause that's all it takes.
"I am running late."

"We are at Wild Wings, you coming?"

"The chick your hitting on is dirty! End the conversation and lets go."

It should not be used to carry on a conversation, and I will tell you why..

My girlfriend went out with some of her friends for a "ladies night"... no biggy,.. I went out with my buddies.

The plan was to meet back at the house "when ever" and just go out for a good night on the town. Well,.. somewhere in there... my girlfriend got a little drunk. And she decided to tell me that,.. with her phone. I got a text message from her saying "Hwat is up? whree are you guys? I tink your a sexyy best!"

So I wrote her back, "Thanks".

Its a text message, not a conversation keeper. Its like a fast food restaurant.. In and out.

So I got another text message from her "No, tell me somehing hot. I cant wait to get you home! hWat do you want me to do to yu?" Dirty talking, great fun,,..... dirty texting,.. remorse will set in, at some point she will bring this shit up again when you least expect it.

So I wrote her back "Stop texting me."

"Take me whree? I want to blow you!" is what I got back.

Ok, so I am thinking, I want to get on with my evening, and shut her up, so I need to write something that will allow me to do both. Now my phone was equipped with this "Txt word" option where it figures out your word that you typing and you select the right one that matches. You know what I am talking about? right?

So what I wrote her back was "I want to lick your pussy, would you like that?",... was what I thought I wrote...... What I ended up writing, thanks to this TxT word was "I want to kick your puppy, would you like that?".

So the next message did not make sense to me. I opened my phone and read 'Why don't you like cuddles"Cuddles was her dog.I went to bed alone, sexless, ........... and never lived down the fact she thought I wanted to kick her dog.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Raised by a single mom

I was raised by a single mother.
And anyone else have that weird experience that was raised by the single mother, have you ever had that weird experience when you were a kid,... and you wake up late at night to go to the bathroom,.... and in the hallway,... out side your mom's bedroom,... you encounter "that guy" you have never seen before?

You know what I mean? You kind of keep your head down cause you are afraid to make eye contact, your not really sure what to say anyway even if your eyes do connect, right.. you get a little older, and you realize... you know what's 100 times more awkward than that?

Yeah, being "that guy". Cause there is still nothing to say.

No I am not your "new daddy" and how do you get out of this trailer park anyway?

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Something I have never told you guys...

I have never told you anything about myself,.. so,.. here we go... My name is Brad Sproule,... I am a Capricorn with a subtle of humor who likes long walks on the beach, quiet romantic candle lit dinners, and heading out for a drive with no particular place to go. In my free time I enjoy reading Oprah's "Book of the month" selection, and I have a six figure income......

OK, you people ain't buying it, but those bitches on Lavalife eat this shit UP! OMG! So gullible!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Raising kids

If you turned 16, and your parents bought you a brand car your a douche and you will always be a douche.

They did not do you any favors by buying you a car, they did you an injustice. You need to earn things like that by working hard for it. Not just having it fall into your lap cause your parents think your a "good person" and deserve a break.

If you have a son, you treat him like shit. Cause the world is rough, and its your duty to prepare him for the outside world.

My dad treated me like crap. He would take us to the movies, buy popcorn for my sister, and nothing for me.
"Can I have some?"
"I don't know,.. you have money?"
"I'm 8."
"Well,.. get a job, then you can buy your own."

But if you have a daughter,... and I have seen this with my own eyes,.. spoil her.
Give her the world. Spoil the hell out of that little girl. And I will tell you why... all you dad's out there that want to get back at her boyfriend in the future... that is the way to do it.

When he shows up and starts whining "She wont take anything I try to give her, she's hard to shop for, I can't afford her, and I don't even think I make her happy..."

"That's right you little prick,....I did that on purpose. So why don't you just get the hell out of her life... or work a little harder!"

The Job Interview

I am not sure what is worse... having a shitty job,... or having to interview for a shitty job.

Atleast if you have a shitty job, it may not be a career, but its playing the part.

Interviewing for a shitty job,.. different story, cause you have to sell yourself to be the best person posible, even though,.. we all know there are people better qualified for the position.

Plain and simple,... job interviews SUCK!! It turns into question period for 15 minutes.. and all you want to do is hit the door, stop off at the smut shop and pick up a new flick, grab Mcdonalds on the way home, and lay around on the couch.... Am I sharing too much??

My favorite questions....
So,... What can you tell me about yourself?
ummm.. I have a case of pink eye, and my foot is asleep.....oh, and I have matching silverware for the plate in my head.

Do you have any hobbies?
I like to collect lotion, and playboy magazines.

What can you bring to this company?
Headlice..... and the occational case of VD.

Ok,.. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Back in rehab baby!! Woo! When can I start!!

Gotta get me one of those...

I like to think my generation is pretty normal. Then I go out to dinner with my fiancee and see this walking turd bag out on a date, whether its with his girlfriend, wife, whatever... and all I can think is "How does that guy leave the house looking like that?"

We are at an Italian restaurant last night, we will call it "Westside Luigis", and this couple come in.. she is dressed nicely,.. presentable.. no big deal.

Her boyfriend,.. totally different story... he has on a pair of jeans.. and a black t-shirt... but not just any black t-shirt.. this one had writing on it that you could read from across the room... big white bold letters "I Fuck on the FIRST DATE!"

Ahhh,.. that's awesome. The only thing more classy than this shirt is the black "Tuxedo t-shirt"

How do you leave the house wearing this? ON A DATE!!

Then I am thinking,.. What if this is their first date? How does this chick STILL GO OUT WITH THE GUY!

Maybe she is blind? but then I see her looking at the menu,.. so that's out the window.
Maybe she is just a slut, and this is a way for the guy to have his own inside joke. *no pun intended*

The part that made this entire scene funny to me was,.. the shirt was tucked in. This was his way of solving his casual attire and taking it to another level. How does this guy choose what to wear on a date? Heads the Fuck shirt,... Tails... just a plain white "wife beater".

I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall, of his trailer,... when he walks up to the closet, pulls the folding door to the side and just starts picking thru his shirts.

"No fat chicks" ..... nah,.. this is more like a Saturday night shirt.
"Who farted?".... more like a Church shirt really.
"At least your reading my shirt instead of looking at my huge erection".. not planning on going to a strip club later.. Think I will go with the "I FUCK ON THE FIRST DATE!"

You sir,.. are my hero....

My Peeps....