I am a comic that thinks outside the box.. after everything is gone from inside it. I was born without that filter that keeps certain thoughts inside, and most times, it pops out at the worst moments.. its going to happen, so best be prepared for whatever is about to come out.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Every time we are together its always "Pick this up, pick it up. This does not go here. The hamper is over there, pick it up."
No, I have a system. See everything on this side of the floor is dirty. And everything on this side of the floor is dirty,... but I am going to wear it again. You didn't see my work boots still in my jeans?!?
And what is it with women wanting men to shave their body hair. Is that what you want ladies? To sleep with a man, that is smoother than you? Then you will wonder why your getting cold at night. Shit sleep with me... you will be kicking a leg out saying "Damn its hot in there!!"
Remember your dad... did your mom try to change your dad? He never shaved his body hair. Shit he didn't even need Q-tips, cause he had keys. Men are actually getting manicures now.. seriously.. Manicures... Look, if your nails are too long, let me tell you what you do, ok.. you bite them off like every other guy out there in the world and spit them on the floor.
What ladies... you don't play by the rules. You can have an entire photo album of all the ex boyfriends that have been in your lives right there in the middle of the living room coffee table. We start looking thru it asking questions like "Who is this dork?" and you get mad at us.
"Stop it! Stop it! Give me those! Those are my memories! These men have nothing to do with you. Your so insecure, get over it."
But let her find a picture of you and another woman... not an album... ONE.
You will come home to the devil. Go walking in like "Honey I am home!" and she meets you at the door "Who is this bitch? Who is this! Don't look at her! Don't look at her! Don't touch me! Who is this whore!"
"Hey relax would you.. that was Prom!"
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
You know who you are.. you little son of a bitch!! All you want to do is tell your story..that's it. They are never there when you start it, so you think to yourself, "Ok, I can get this one in".. then half way thru they show up and butt in.
"I was at the cottage last week, and I came across this 30 foot cliff. So I found my way up thru this back path, and when I got to the top, I didn't think I could get myself to jump but I worked up the courage, and plunged down into the frigged water."
You don't even get to finish tellin the entire story, and they are all "SO WHAT!!"
they always start with so what, makes your story seem lame.
"SO WHAT!! Yesterday I scaled a 100 foot rock face with my TEETH! When I got to the top, I could not even see the water at the bottom cause the clouds were so thick! An eagle soared passed me giving me a nod as if to say 'you are safe to dive my friend'.. so I got into a hand stand, and fell into a front somersault doing two full turns and three and a half twists. As the sunset was touching the water and the sun rays were glistening off my body, I entered the water with only a ripple. When I surfaced,.. I was holding a treasure chest!"
SHUT UP SEAN! My story was not filled with fucking lies you asshole!
He turned to me and offered me a golden chocolate coin. So I took it and walked in shame back to my cubical.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
I am talking about hand jobs. Ladies,.. I want to say thank you for trying.. HOWEVER.... if that's what your going to do... if that's ALL your going to do,.. then I have to say...
Rub my back... ok.. Cause I can't reach my back.
I cant take care of this all day.
And if you are one of those that thinks you can handle it.. please remember. Don't talk to me when your doing it cause its just fucking creepy! Besides the fact you break my concentration. I don't want to know what you had for supper when I am trying to get off.
And as much as I appreciate you taking care of your self down there. Trimming it up, making it pretty. Don't expect the same in return.
I had a girlfriend tell me once "Hey, I think you should shave your back."
I was like what? are you kidding me?
She was all about it.. she said "No seriously, I think you really need to shave your back, I mean after all I take care of myself for you, I think its only fair that you do the same. Don't you?"
I could not help but fully agree. I caved.
I flat out told her.. "You know what baby,... Your so right. So how about this.. Next time you lick my back and make me cum, I will take it all off for you!!"
I quit drinking from January to May, but I am back cause it is tasty. I quit drinking cause I wanted to quit smoking. Not because I have a problem with alcohol, I have a problem with cigarettes. For me, I could not have a drink without having a cigarette.
It was like trying to poop and not pee. I couldn't do it.
You can smoke and not drink, and you can pee and not poop.
But you cant drink and not smoke, and you cant poop and not pee, I have tried it, doesn't work!
Holy Shit! Its a phone! Its a phone, ok... ladies, you want to talk to me, guess what, there is a button on your phone, says fucking talk, you press the button that says the shit that you want to do.
I am not anti-txt messaging ok, however, my name is also not Ron Textall either. Me and my buddies text message each other all the time.
The difference is, that its a message... its one line.... and it needs no answer.
"Hey, meet me here."
or "Hey, I am running late."
or "Hey, that chick your talking to is fucking nasty, shut it down and lets go."
And don't look at me like that cause girls do it too. You do.. be honest.
It doesn't matter what sex you are, if you have ever been hitting on someone and the shit was going well,...
then all of a sudden looked at their phone.......
then looked at you.....
and walked away....
Yeah, someone just reached out and cock blocked you.
it should not be used to carry on a conversation, and I will tell you why.
I went out with my buddies and my girlfriend at the time went out with hers. The plan was to meet back at the house whenever things wrapped up, no time set. Well, somewhere in there, my girlfriend got a little drunk, happened to you?
It happened to me.
And she decided to drunk text me.. you ladies know what that is all about don't you.
I got a message from her that said "Whats up? Where are you? I want to fuck you!"
I wrote back "Were out. See you at the house later."
Again, ladies,.. its a message. its supposed to be quick, like fast food,... in and out.
Then I got another one from her, that read "No, tell me something you want to do to me,.. I am horny!"
All I could think to myself is "this is not going to end well." You ladies like keeping these messages and bring them up later with your friends.
So I wrote back "I want to have sex with you."
I get back, "Tell me something hot!"
So I cave, cause I am fucking whooped! and I write back "I want to lick your pussy."
But my phone has this T9 word.. where the phone THINKS it knows what you are trying to say and puts it in for you.
So what she read was "I want to kick your puppy."
That's a great story at parties let me tell you!
- ▼ 2010 (34)