I am a comic that thinks outside the box.. after everything is gone from inside it. I was born without that filter that keeps certain thoughts inside, and most times, it pops out at the worst moments.. its going to happen, so best be prepared for whatever is about to come out.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
I think, if I was to quit a job now, I would have to do it to where I knew that I would be remembered.
Go down swinging, and know that a year from now, they would still hear the echos of my name in the hall ways.. but how,... what could I do...
Then I figured it out,.. just before lunch time,.. I would go around to the people I did not like,.. and ask them if they wanted to go in on a Pizza. Collect the money,... and just leave to "pick it up" and not go back.
About 3:30 you know someone would be like "I don't think he is coming back!! I am STARVIN! I am NEVER ordering out with people again!"
But what if I get called into the office.. everyone knows when they are about to get shitcanned... so that is the day I take the pocket full of glitter with me.
My boss would be like "So Brad,... we have come to a decision.. and we have had to make some cuts,.. unfortunately your one of them..."
Then BANG! face full of glitter... good luck getting that shit out! he goes home to the wife and kids,.. "Where you been honey?"
Oh I was at work... fired someone today.
"Was her name Mercedes? or Lexis? You promised Ed... No more strip clubs!"
always stay away from the one with the glitter..
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Not like "Whats the third chemical from the left on the Scientific Periodic table?"... cause that is something I can google and find out...
More like "Where are my keys! Have you seen my keys!"
So I thought I fixed it for her,.. made it simple... right. Simple thing for a simple person, should be a simple fix.
One word: Wrong!
She came home on Monday and I told her "Look, I have a solution for you and your keys. OK,.. See this right here.. its a cute little bowl I picked up for you,.. and it says 'KEYS' right on the side of it.. so your KEYS,.. go in the KEY BOWL.. see that... Keys.... in the KEY BOWL...
When you come home from work, and you open the door,.. your KEYS,.. get put in the KEY BOWL.. simple right?"
I come home yesterday... first words out of her mouth....
"Have you seen the key bowl?"
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
That's how huge the Internet has become. Case in point, the other day, I wanted to type in "Google" to look something up,.. and my finger slipped, and instead I accidentally typed in "blowjobs"... OMG!!
I was up for three hours trying to find "Google"..... with my pants off.
The worst part is, .... they actually kicked me out of that particular Starbucks... which is bullshit, cause I bought a coffee AND a muffin!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Its as easy as one two three. just look for your name.
1. If your name is on the building you work in,.. Your rich. Case in point Barns and Noble... they are both rich.
2. If your name is on the desk that you work at,... your middle class.
3. If your name is on your shirt (sewn or button) your friggin' poor!!
If you need to say something to the affect of "Hi! Welcome to ____________, how may I help you",... no one needs to point this out to you,.. but your skipping some payments on your visa, know what I'm sayin?!?
and lastly,.. if there is a number on your shirt,.. your a convict.
I was there for about 5 minutes before I became numb to all the boobs in the room, not to mention the strippers on the stage.. and I started trying to peek down the waitresses shirt when she brought me my drink,.. cause after all, hers were covered.
So these three ladies of dance came out on stage and the Dj announced them coming out "Alri-i-i-i-ght.. here they come,.. give it up for PORCHE, MERCEDES, and LEXIS!!" Man,.. I was taken back,.. so eventually thru the 39th minute of the Nine Inch Nails song "Closer" they jiggled their way over to me.
And I did what ever guy does,.. I struck up a conversation with them. I motioned for them to come over to me,.. money in hand,.. and like sharks around a chum drag,.. they raced over.
So I asked them "Did your mom's really name you all after cars? Cause that is one heck of a coincidence."
Mercedes was the speaker for them,.. and she gave me the old "Pfffft! Really? Our mom's did not name us that,... We named us that!"
"Really?" Why would you name yourselves that?"
"Cause,.. its what we WANT!"
and it got me thinking... instead of naming themselves after something they want, .... would it not have been better to name yourself after something you NEED??
Can you imagine going to a stri..... gentleman's club and hearing this.... "Ladies and gentlemen,.. here they come.... On the eighth day,.. God created..... Ed-u-cation,..... Pen-icillin,.. and Self-Re-spect!! Here they come!!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
I have a college degree, and she has her masters, so honestly I just take her word for it cause it just seems to make sense. So now she just lies to me. The other day I was sitting on the couch with her and I turned to her and was like "Hey,.. how about a blow job?", and she said "No, you will get the flu."
"What? How does that make any sense?"
So she told me "See, I knew you would not understand. Your going to get all wet down there, catch a draft, and then catch the flu."
Made sense right,.. I was thanking her, "Holy cow, I never would have thought of that, you right. I don't want the flu, thanks."
So yesterday, I went and got my flu shot, and recommend you all do the same.
Friday, January 23, 2009
They are NEW!
You should never let the skinny 18 year old summer chick make your blizzard, cause they have no idea how much candy you want.
Now that bitter 39 year old assistant manager with the star wars pin.... she fucking KNOWS!
And to top it off, she will be playing the old "one for me, one for you" game when she's making it.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Just once, I would like to slip some truth serum into that guys glass, cause all they do is tell lies.
"Here she comes, lets give her a big round of applause... on the eight day,... God created LEXIS! Here she comes!"
After the truth serum.. I think we all know they will be speaking to a different story.
"Here she comes people...... She's a single mother of three...... living in the back of a 1996 Hyundai... and is currently on Valtrex and allergic to "the pill"..... ladies and gentlemen give it up for...... RUTH!"
It does not stop growing... its like Richard Simmons,.. or the energizer bunny. I believe the theme song to the hair on my head is "Can't stop, wont stop".
And I have figured out the hair on my head is related to the hair in my ears... cause its the same way. Some people reading this knows what I am talking about.
So here is the part that throws me for a loop. Shouldn't my pubic hair be tucked into my fucking socks by now?
Friday, January 9, 2009
Well with all that eating, and drinking,... you put on a few pounds.. and this year, I think I have hit that point in my life that everyone gets too. and they realize,.. Shit, I have to stop eating,.. cause I am getting fat.
And it pisses me off. I almost don't even want to have sex, so I can spare someone the site of having to look at my naked body. I don't even want to look at my naked body.
I get all nude to take a shower, and I see my reflection, all I want to do is punch my reflection in the face! Ask him "Why do you look like that!! Start working out!!"
Every year its a little more, but this year... WHOA! Now I don't know that women get the same thing that men get when they get fat(ter). But this year, after the holidays, I was so shocked,.. and so angry with myself, I just wanted to punch myself in my fat upper dick area!!
Its like a hairy fanny pack you get there!! Right up front, overshadowing the painfully average size penis, just what every guy needs.
Something there to make it look smaller, a nice little squirrel skinned fanny pack, all filled with disappointment, self loathing, and failure.
That is one thing that will not help you get laid... a fat upper dick area.. that and Rock band 2.. neither will get you laid.
But there is an up side... it matches the hair on my back. And that is important in this day in age, cause everyone needs to match.
I was in walmart just after christmas, and my most favorite thing in walmart is the announcements.. cause you never know what you will hear.
I am still waiting to hear one that tops my all time favnorite.. it was in Cullman, Alabama. I was standing in line, waiting with the rest of the herd to pay for my stuff.. and I heard the following.
"Good afternoon Walmart shoppers, if you are parked in the southern part of the parking lot, could you please move your vehicle, because we need to get our parking lot re-tard. Thank you."
All I could think was... WTF?!? I have not seen some lazy eye'd guy walking around here in a my little pony t-shirt smelling like PB&J,.. but I will be sure to keep an eye out for him from now on.
- ► 2010 (34)
- Ever quit your job?
- My Fiancee does it again!!
- The internet has become TOO BIG!!
- I figured it out.. all you need to do is look for ...
- Just where do strippers get their names anyway?
- My wife lies to me
- Fast Food Servers
- Strip club DJ's and the lies they tell
- Seriously, I don't know why, do you??
- Its the same thing after every christmas
- Walmart announcements
- ▼ January (11)