I am a comic that thinks outside the box.. after everything is gone from inside it. I was born without that filter that keeps certain thoughts inside, and most times, it pops out at the worst moments.. its going to happen, so best be prepared for whatever is about to come out.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Things that should not be text Messaged

Its great to live in this day in age when you can just write something to someone and remind them of things to do, or what needs to be picked up, or what time you think your going to be home. Thats all well and good.... but there is still one thing that needs to be kept in person and left alone.

Keep drunk dialing to drunk dialing. Drunk texting will only lead to chaos.

My girlfriend went out with some of her friends for a "ladies night"... no biggy,.. I went out with the fellas.
Plan was to meet back at the house "when ever" and just go out for a good night on the town.
Well,.. somewhere in there... my girlfriend got a little drunk. And she decided to tell me that.
I got a text message from her saying "Hwat is up? whree are you guys? I tink your a sexyy best!"
So I wrote her back, "Thanks"

Its a text message, not a conversation keeper. Use it like the US uses the Marines. Get in, get out.
So I got another text message from her "No, tell me somehing hot. I cant wait to get you home! hWat do you want me to do to yu?"

Dirty talking, great fun,,..... dirty texting,.. remorse will set in and you will be reminded of what you write.

So I wrote her back "I cant wait to get you on the bed and take you"

"Take me whree? I want to blow you!" is what I got back.

Ok, so I am thinking, I want to get her mind going, but my phone was equiped with this "Txt word" option where it figures out your word that you typing and you select the right one that matches.

So what I wrote her back was "I want to kick your puppy! You would like that wouldn't you"
What I thought I wrote was "I want to lick your pussy"

So the next message did not make sence to me. I opened my phone and read 'Why dont you like cuddles"
Cuddles was her dog.
I went to bed alone, sexless, ........... and never lived down the fact she thought I wanted to kick her dog.

Conclussion: Disable Txtword on your phone, dont drunk text and save the dirty talking to person to person, over over the phone. It only leads to chaos.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Getting TOO drunk

You ever pass out drunk,.. and leave something on all night? Has that ever happened to you? Yeah. Like a sock.... or a tshirt, maybe your underware.

It happened to me this past weekend. Guess I passed out after the casino... woke up with a random piece of clothing...like a Condom.

I did not even realize it until I had stood up, walked to the bathroom, started peeing.... and there was no noise.

It just started filling up like a water balloon.

Then it occurred to me... Damn! I could have laid in bed another ten minutes!! What the hell am I doing up..I could have tied this off and hit snooze.

So now it has become my official new way to sleep late.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Dirty talk is just not for me

I don't know what it is, but I just cannot get into dirty talking in bed. Not sure if its that I don't know what to say,.. or if I just don't know where "that line" is. I am so happy to finally be getting some ass, I don't want to fuck it up now and say the wrong thing.

I forget to say please at the table I end up having to get up and get it myself.... what the hell will happen in bed, know what I'm sayin?

But you ladies,... you like that shit. So I was asked to talk dirty one time... and I have regretted it for the rest of my life... cause I said something stupid, and I thought it might be nifty to finally get it off my chest. Turned out,.... I am way outside the box.

"Talk dirty to me."
I don't want to.

'Do it!"
Ok, fine.....I want to tie you up, light you on fire, and throw you in the trash.

Hey, it was your idea! All I wanted to do was make sweet love and just think that!

"Ok, forget that,.. just slap me!"
In the face?
WTF, I am not a mind reader!

"Bite my nipples.."
Clean thru? Spit them in the trash?
"What is wrong with you?"
I don't know,... All I wanted was to have sex with you and just think this shit, ok?!? You say 'talk dirty'... whats dirtier than the trash??

What do they mean 'talk dirty'? Ladies say one thing, and guys think something else...

"Ohh yeah,,, talk dirty to me..."

Ok, I want to tie,................ your parents up, ........back to back. Then I am going to beat the hell out of them with a bat. Throw them in the trunk of a car, and drive that car over a cliff, and just as it goes over the cliff I am going to pop the trunk so they can see me fuckin you.... Hey where you going... Too much??

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

One night stands....

Something you learn early on is,... not all things good end up that way. I had a little drunken one night stand incident. Late November, back in '01. Where the lady,.. peed....in my bed.

She totally missed my mouth. That's where I sleep! That's where I do arts and crafts, and read por... novels under the covers with a flash light.

I had to spend my early Saturday morning Google-ing how to get urine out of my mattress. I was shocked to find out... tons of answers!!

However,.. all the answers were pertaining to pets. So I had to go to Petsmart, and hope that I did not run into anyone that knows I do not own a pet.

The guy that helped me, Chip, was very helpful. He was like "Sir, what you need is natures miracle, it will lift the urine right out of the fabric and also deodorise the scent. Was there alot of pee?" was his question.

My answer........"It was almost....if... a person did it."

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Joining a Gym

I looked into joining a gym by my house, try to get into a shape instead of just BEING a shape.. and they saw a sucker and jumped all over me. First,they showed me around... we went to the snack bar, nothing but good food, at expensive prices. Negative one point to the gym.
Then we went to the weight lifting area.. nothing but guys working out,.. sweating all over everything,.. negative two points to the gym.. its not looking good.

Then we went by the hot room for a yoga class.. things were looking up... and it was in session. They had one woman in there that could have licked her own vagina... If she would have just listened to me, I swear to god.. .. ....
There I am next to this mass of mussels named Robyn (yes she was a female) showing me around and all I could do is become a cheerleader...
"You can do it honey! Come on! Get after it,. . you almost got it.. almost... GET IT! GET IT! GET IT! You want me to step on your back a little bit? You want me to get down there and do it for ya? It looks delicious.... If you wanted we could split it."

I was thrown out of that gym today.... but now I am armed with a phone book.. so look out hot yoga gyms... cause The Fat Guy Is Coming to class!!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Suprise me

Being the guys-guy that I am,.. there is one thing that does not bother me, but yet seems to bother so many other men... and I cannot wrap my head around what the issue is.

Anyone in a relationship has been asked to purchase things. Could be Deodorant. If your a girl,.. do you get embarrassed buying Old Spice? Maybe its lotion. Anyone can use that stuff for more than just hands and elbows,.. know what I'm sayin?

So why do guys get all jittery when your asked to pick up tampons? Embarrassment? Your a grown man,. everyone in the store knew they were not for you. And on top of that, to every female in that store, your a hero!

Ahh, I'm sorry, your embarrassed.. don't forget you wife is at home bleeding from her vagina, things could be worse for you. You might want to get those things back STAT Jackson.

I love the excuses you get.. "OMG have you see the aisle? There are wings, strings and all sorts of things!"

Really? Are you kidding me? You want me to believe that if you, a grown, educated man, had to pick your wife up something to put in her most delicate area and you were not given EXPLICIT INSTRUCTIONS on what to get??
Something tells me you were sent out with a little more than "Just not the wooden ones again."

Because if I was going to send my wife out to pick up something that I had to put in my penis,.. there would be sketches,...... receipts,... mapquest directions,... oh yeah, AND AN EMPTY PACKAGE THAT THE OTHER THING CAME IN!!! That way you can compare that shit.

There is one phrase that has never been said after someone was asked to pick up tampons... wanna guess what that is????

"Surprise me!"

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

You win ladies..

**Just a little FYI on this one,.. think of yourself at a comedy club,.. then read this, other wise, it makes no sense.**

You win ladies.... you fucking win.
Think of your man right now,.. and let me speak on behalf of him.
He loves you... he does... with all his heart, he loves you, he loves you, he loves you.

He wakes up every morning and thinks,.. "How can I keep this crazy bitch happy?"
Cause your NEVER happy!!

You can only complain.... "We never go out!"
Bitch... YOUR OUT!

"Yeah, but its not a date."
Really? then you pay.

He loves you,... especially if he is here with you tonight... cause trust me, he could be out having fun... making his own decisions.
But he is not, he is here with you,... in the shirt that YOU picked out.

"Hey why don't we go out with my brother tomorrow night?"
He does not like your brother, OK... He has his OWN friends that he wants to go out with.

Don't get me wrong, OK... I love women,.. I do. Your all full of shit, but your fun.
Remember when you were fun? Remember,.. the beginning of the relationship.

When you were setting your 'trap'. Guys can attest to this. Married guys anyway.
Remember when you used to let us pick the spot to go to,.. and after a little while we would always here this "Lets Party!! WOOO!" or "Your friends are awesome... they are so fun."

Six months later... "He's a dick! That guy is rude! Johnny always sleeps with my friends!"
My personal favorite,.. "How much do you plan to drink tonight? How much have you had! When is enough enough?"
When I pass out,... that's when I have had enough.

But ladies,.. and you know who you are. I have to hand it to you..... you are the only ones that can say "Fuck you asshole" with out saying a word.
We say see you later,.. and then you let us have it...
its very simple.. not alot of action...just a simple "See you later..." and the squinty eyes, big cheek smile, and the little head shake from left to right.

Monday, November 3, 2008

We're a team...

It gets me that women can say things like "We are a team" or "We are equals in this relationship". My personal favorite is "Treat me with the same respect that you want to be treated with". Really ladies? Look at your husband, boyfriend, or your affair. Look deeply into their eyes, square in the face.

I can tell you something about that man... He is not afraid of anyone! But he is afraid of you.
Is that how you treat your "teammate"? That's the same "respect" that your looking for?

When his friends call him to hang out,.. he has to debate in his head,.. "Is this shit worth it?".
It does not matter when your friends call you to go out.
All we get is "Bye. I am going to the mall."
"Where are you going?"
"To the MALL! And you better be here when I get back."

Ring...ring. I answer the phone, cause she is not home, and someone has to answer it. My side of the conversation seems to go like this...
No man, come over here.
No, I gotta be HERE motherfucker,.... do you understand HERE?
Why don't you come over here?
Ahhh you cant leave either huh?
Your wife is with my wife... "

If we did that to you ladies.... If we woke up Sunday morning "Bye, I am going to the game."
"Where are you going?"
"TO THE GAME! And you better be here whe....!"
"Don't you EVEN talk to ME like that! I will kick your ass all OVER this house! You think you can just DICTATE to ME! I DON'T THINK SO! We don't have money for you to head out SOME GAME! We have PLANS today! I know its that damn JOEY that put you up to this shit, isn't it!!"

Just keep on pushing all the buttons till we finally snap "FUCK IT! I am not going,.. forget it."
Then whats the next thing that is said? anyone wanna guess??

"I am not saying you can't go..." Really? ".....we just need to talk about it."

Sunday, November 2, 2008

When did voicemail get complicated?

I phoned a buddy of mine (we will call him Irvin) and had to leave a message cause he was out of the office. Turns out he puts out a new voicemail message everyday. Changes it, to reflect what he is doing each day.

When did this get complicated,.. what happened to "Not in, leave a message"?

Instead, I get this three hour dissertation on what his day is like, and when he might be able to call me back.

"Hello, you have reached Irvin. Today is October 31st, 2008. Happy Halloween. I am in the office today from 8am to 4pm, I am leaving early to get home and be ready for all the kids that go trick or treating. I will be in a meeting today from 10am to 11am, and then will be out of the office from 12-1pm. I have two scheduled interviews from 2-330pm, if this call is urgent please cal l me on my cell at..."

When did you get a cell phone? Why the FUCK did you not say that in the beginning?!? I don't care what the details of your day are, let me leave a message and call me back. That is the way its been working for decades.

So he tells me later, "Brad, I am giving people information that they either knew about, forgot, and should be reminded of. OR they never knew to begin with."

OK, fine. I am going to start leaving him messages with that same concept in mind.

"Irvin, hey its Brad,.. Basenji's are the only breed of dog that cannot bark. Just letting you know.
If you see an emergency vehicle travelling with its lights on, you should pull over. The deepest lake in the world is lake Baikal, and my mom has a gold fish named 'Fin'. What? That's random, why did I say that? Oh yeah, your a tool,.. call me back."

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Living like I am married

I am not married, but I live like I am married. Why? I am practising having a wife. I think it shows consideration, and thought fullness. Most of the time I hear women want a guy with a sense of humor, but I don't believe that, cause I HAVE a sense of humor, and I am still not meeting anyone. I think women really want guys with big dicks and lots of cash, but that is not lady like to say, so they say "sense of humor" as code.

So to try a different approach, I am doing this, and living LIKE I AM MARRIED so I am not having to make that abrupt transition.

For example,.. I shave once in a while. Not today, I am angry with her.

That's right.... I put the seat down NOW. Just for practice, it does not kill me.
I put the roll on the spool NOW. Out of consideration, its not that hard.
I put a hundred empty bottles of shampoo in the shower NOW, so I am used to it.
I take myself out to movies I don't want to see. But before the movie, I argue with myself on where I want to eat first. No I don't,.. yes I do, No I don't,... Yes I do,.. Then I just drive around and talk to myself about places to eat.
I sleep on the edge of my own bed NOW, ensuring not to use any more than two inches of blanket as that is what my allotment would be to keep warm at night, even thought I would not really need the blanket cause the heater would be set at "Surface of the sun" temperature.
I pleasure myself, but ONLY WHEN I DESERVE IT! Normally on my birthday, and around Christmas depending on the gift I buy myself. Its usually in the basement, with a playboy and a flashlight.
But most importantly,.. I keep a list of every little thing that I do and say,... and from time to time I go back and read into it, so I have the capability to show it to people that I don't even know, at parties that I don't want to be at in the first fucking place.

All out of love for her.

My Peeps....